In one of my favorite movies (Fight Club), at one point, Tyler Durden (played by Brad Pitt) says: “Self-improvement is masturbation”. You have to see the scene and the movie to get the full meaning of this line, but even if you haven’t, you get the idea…
This quote sticks in my head like glue. Here’s the thing: I do believe in personal development and improving constantly as a person. Hell, I make a living out of it! But, I also believe that a lot of the people who are into personal development have a skewed vision about it and an ineffective approach.
Some of my best friends are into personal development and I really appreciate them for that. But at the same time, some of the people who are into personal development simply weird me out. These people read a lot of books on personal development, they go to trainings, they quote Dale Carnegie, Michael Jordan or somebody in almost any conversation. And there is this strange, negative energy about them.
Here’s why: they come into personal development from a place of not accepting themselves. They believe they are bad because they have weaknesses (big or small, plenty or a couple), because they are imperfect. They have no concept of self-worth as people beyond their strengths and weaknesses.
Coming from this place, a lot of personal development lovers feel very uncomfortable with whom they are and they project that all around: in the way they walk, they talk, they behave. You feel the need to stay away from them or you’ll catch whatever they have. This is the negative energy I’m talking about.
I wanna make it as clear as possible: wanting to improve because you cannot accept yourself, even if you have major weaknesses, is in my perspective a very, very bad motivation for self-improvement. Here are some of the major reasons:
- It makes personal development a hard, frustrating journey to somewhere;
- It makes you look for shortcuts and magic solutions for their transformation, which rarely work;
- It makes you try to change a lot of things at once, it makes personal development disorganized and ineffective;
- Very often, even if you’ll improve a lot, you still won’t like yourself or be happy.
It’s very important that first, before anything else, you learn to accept yourself as you are. It doesn’t mean you don’t wanna improve anymore; it only means that you realize you have an intrinsic value as a human being and that imperfection is actually very natural.
Only after you accept yourself and become comfortable in your own skin, do you move on to improving yourself, one step at a time. Think of accepting the status quo as the first major step in changing it. This, to me, is mature, effective personal development.
[adrotate group=”5″]
Great article. Just when I found myself wondering whether this idea of self-development isn’t complete crap, I came upon this article. This article is not full of itself and its tone is different from the usual gift packed garbage (although you use a movie quote).
Yes, the biggest self-development stunt is being proud of what you are.
I’m glad you liked it.
I agree with your elaborations here, and I also sense the negative energy you have stated here. When I see a person championing personal development I always look for sign within their actions (or compositions in case of a blog).
Genuine self development must accept our own imperfections and face the battle of doing something about it. Otherwise we cannot elevate our self to a higher understanding. 🙂
Right on! It may seem like a contradiction, to accept yourself and want to change at the same time, but if you look at the nuances, it makes a lot of sense.
“I wanna make it as clear as possible: wanting to improve because you cannot accept yourself, even if you have major weaknesses, is in my perspective a very, very bad motivation for self-improvement.” Wow that’s such a powerful sentiment and I couldn’t have put it better myself!
I wrote a post recently called ‘Spirituality and Dirty Jokes – Are they Mutually Exclusive?’ and I in essence shared the same message. I won’t lie though because I was once there and remnents of it still pop out now and again but I also understand how harmful to me and others it was being that way.
Superb article and I will definitely share this one!
Amit
.-= Amit Sodha´s last blog ..How To Stand Out From The Crowd =-.
I have to tell you ~ you caught my attention with the title and I had an idea it was going to be a wonderful article. I wasn’t disappointed. Bravo
.-= bunnygotblog´s last blog ..12 On Blogging: Katie Clemons, “Making This Home” =-.
Lovely! It’s clear for me now: put the word “masturbation” in an article’s title, and you’ve got peoples attention 🙂
Then you actually have to write some good content to keep it.
Awesome article Eduard. I know exactly what you mean. As a matter of fact, if you browse hard enough,you can identify some of them through their writing. Hopefully I’m not the case. I’m actually trying very hard not to fall into the trap hole.
Yeah, me too. But it’s OK if you sometimes fall into the trap hole. You just start by accepting this, then getting out of it. 🙂
Hey Eduard!
Love this article! Absolutely great. I think I will remember that quote for the rest of my life. This is almost the disease of the world: looking for the quick fix. Even when people go looking for self-help, they all subconsciously look for a quick fix, which most self-improvement tools deliver- for a short period of time.
It seems that people fail to realize the power of a habit and that people are habitual beings. And changing a habit is no easy task. Yet, another great point that you make is of self acceptance, which requires self-awareness.
Thank you!
Best,
Tomas
So now there are at least tho people for which this quote sticks in their heads like glue. That’s good to know 🙂
great article. I remember laughing at myself at a training when I realised that the more exercises I do about knowing myself the less I like what I see :-)) Just a figure of speech. At some point, when one is a a confirmed professional, recognised by his/her peers, one should choose carefully what courses/programs to attend. My deep belief is to go for strengthening your top points not to fight with improving your weaknesses. at least not all of them. One should prioritise what is necessary to be improved and put the effort into it. the rest can stay unchanged and who knows, sometimes it can turn into a strength. I experienced that myself. but all this requires time to know yourself, to let yourself make mistake and learn from them. and who takes the time today to think???
On the same page here. Personal development can take a whole lot of time. You need to pick your battles. Or at least sort them out.
Great article 🙂
I personally believe in personal development, and it was a time when I devoted a lot of time in reading books and listening to CDs about how to improve. But at some point, I got stuck in my own plans of improvement, life kicked my plans away and lead me to see myself for real: I`m the same as the others with good` and bads.
My conclusion : You can`t escape yourself, so even if you start the road of personal development with arogance and trying to hide, life takes care of putting you on the right track. You only have to be patience and believe in you no matter what.
.-= Dianne´s last blog ..Castelul din Iasi si “Cavalerul Medieval” =-.
Dianne,
I think so too. You pretty much can’t escape yourself.
The idea of is the foundation of Albert Ellis’ acclaimed one of the earliest forms of cognitive behavioral therapy. (CBT is supposedly one of the only forms of psychotherapy actually proven to work, from what I understand.) Ellis’ work is very worth looking into.
.-= Richard´s last blog ..Overcoming Procrastination =-.
Hi Richard,
I’m very familiar with the work of Albert Ellis, as I use a lot of CBT concepts and techniques in my coaching practice. I love the fact that it’s actually backed up by a lot of scientific research.
This sounds a bit like me – I put my focus on personal development after a crisis that destroyed my self-esteem.
Personal development was a promise to myself that I’d become better than who I was, and somehow redeem myself in my eyes and the word around me. I realize that through this journey I’ve learned a lot – but I’m still not happy and inside . Is it possible to be content with who you are, yet still ambitious and hungry to be better?
I think it is possible Dan, and it’s the best possible place to be in. Self-improvement and acceptance are not mutually exclusive and even more, acceptance can give a deeper, more authentic meaning to the motivation fo personal development.
the most memorable movie quote that i could think of is the one on Forest Gump :””
I laughed out loud when I first saw Fight Club and I saw that scene: “Run Forest!Run!” Hilarious 🙂