The family: a traditional source for love, advice, kind words, emotional support and apple pie. Also, quite often, a real pain in the ass when it comes to living the life you want. Let’s face it: you probably owe your family a lot, but at the same time, there are at least one or two big ways you feel it’s sabotaging your dreams.
I know in my family, I constantly felt pressure, especially from my dad, to live a certain way. The more I found out what I really wanted, the more I discovered it was not that way, and the pressure grew. Until at one point, I decided to move out of the family house completely, set some firm boundaries in the relationship with my parents and live exactly how I wanted.
My dad is still not very happy with how I spend my time, what I eat, the fact I have my own business instead of a regular job. Despite that, we now get along pretty well, and at the same time I don’t succumb to family pressure. This is how I do it and what I also teach others.
Most of the time, close family members like your parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters have positive intentions in trying to push you in a certain direction. They mean well, they do it out of love. But, this doesn’t mean they also do the right thing for you. I think there are 2 major problems with how families often guide their children.
- They try to keep them in the safe zone. They don’t want them to do anything risky or unconventional. They encourage them to choose the career filed in which you can find the biggest salaries, and you can get a job even if you’re half retarded, ignoring what the children really want, can and like to do.
- They spread out-of-date wisdom. Because our society has changed so much in the last decade, it’s very probable that older family members like parents in their 50’s or 60’s have understandings of things which no longer applies. Yet they continue to believe in them firmly, and to guide their children using these understandings.
The results you get is a lot of family pressure directing you in the wrong direction. And this doesn’t apply just to teenagers, who are still kind of immature and financially dependent on their parents. Most mature, experienced and financially independent adults I know also get this kind of pressure from their families, and they often give in to it.
Family pressure can be a powerful, hard to ignore factor for most people, applied with incredible skills. The good news is there is way to effectively deal with family pressure and live the life you want. Here are the main things which can help you:
- Put some distance between you and the rest. If you’re living in the same house with your parents or grandparents (which in today’s world is common even for married people) and you see them every day, it’s hard not to succumb to their pressure. Make moving out at priority, save the money it takes and do it.
- Realize you don’t need to please your family. There is this false belief that because you family is, well… your family, you must get along perfectly with every family member. You don’t. It’s a myth. There’s nothing wrong with upsetting dad once in a while or not living up to mom’s dream for you to be a doctor.
- Learn to communicate assertively. Assertive communication is one the most valuable people skills you can have. It allows you to express yourself in a clear, direct way, but from a position of respect for others, and it’s a great way to deal with all the criticizing and negative comments you can get from family members which are not happy with your actions.
But these points are really only a frame to set for rising above family pressure. The most important thing is action. This is YOUR life, not your parents’ life. And while they’re not to be completely ignored, it’s only naturally to live the way YOU want.
[adrotate group=”5″]
What a timely post! I really need to work on my assertiveness skills – not normally a problem with other people, but a problem for me with my family. Scary! But as you say, it’s my life.
Topi
.-= Topi´s last blog ..10 moments to savour during the day =-.
Hey Topi,
It’s harder to be assertive with the important people in your life. The emotional connection (and sometimes emotional dependency) makes it that way mostly. But, it is also doable.
Hi Eduard, This is a great topic. It is true that it is often the people that are closest to us that do not want to see us change. I experienced this myself with my family. I grew up in poor ghetto conditions in a small mill town in Western Massachusetts. I became a Boston Public School teacher for 17 years and decided to give it up to become a millionaire and entrepreneur. My family thought I was crazy and absolutely discouraged such foolishness. After I fulfilled those goals our relationship was further strained. I had to do exactly what you described to have a healthy relationship with them while still continuing on my path. Even now they think my ‘Spiritual Talk’ is a bit whacky — but like you I am steadfast on my own evolution.
.-= rob white´s last blog ..The Big Three: Being, Doing & Having =-.
Hey Rob,
We have some similar stories with our families. Glad to see you followed your own path. 😉
It’s good to know I am not alone. My family are still in denial. Most of us had the consequences of poverty, lack of education, and a few more that we have been through. Struggles become normal to them. Didn’t do anything to overcome them. Some of them became too dependent to other family members. Put pressure on them for years. Blame others for their miserable state. I saw the real problems of our family. I offers some help, but instead of listening to me, they got me the wrong way. I just realized I can’t do much to people who see you as a doormat. So I had enough and cut some of them in my life. Maybe not forever but for now. Just to have a bit of fresh air. I still love them, but I can’t allow them to disturb my inner peace in this life.
Hello,
I found this post interesting, I am lucky that I get on very well with my family, although I did move back in with them a few years ago for just a short while and we were all ready to tear strips off each other after a few days!! So I do agree with the idea of moving ASAP.
I also think you need to follow your own goals and dreams and not persue goals which are pushed upon you by your family, expalin to them nicely but firmly you do not want to be a doctor, engineer or whatever career path they want you to follow.
Tell them you are happy, when it comes down to it, this is all that any parent wants for their child.
Many thanks,
Kate
Well said Kate,
Most parents do mean well, and if they eventually see you happy and living a good life, a lot of them do eventually start accepting the decisions you’ve made in life.
kate nicely said but this is what we say after we have gone through all the difficulties and experiences. We cannot expect our younger generation to think like us because they are not so mature to think like you. Who will give that vocational guidance to them??????
Assertive communication is the key. I think part of it is knowing what you want, and the other part is finding ways to bridge with people and have them pair up with you … if you frame the challenge right.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..The Elephant and the Rider =-.
I agree J.D. Assertive communication is so important among the people skills! I can’t believe so many people lack it, they know they lack it, and still do nothing about it.
Eduard –
Families are strange things and we all have our challenges here. I agree with JD – assertive and clear communication is the best. I’ve had to use this on several occasions and although sometimes the short term results appear terrible, things have actually worked out for the best in the long run. It takes a little bravery to stand up and be authentic, but I can vouch for the success I’ve seen. Thanks for the post.
Phil
.-= Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last blog ..The Five Secrets to Finding Work that Matters =-.
Hey Phil,
This is why I put a lot of emphasis on not paying too much attention to the immediate results your communication has over people. Your family might initially scream, blame, criticize when you do things your way, but if ti’s a well thought out way, the long term results make it worth it.
Eduard,
Good post. I’ve struggled with this in the past but eventually distanced myself from my parents and got over it. Now I see my brother struggling with it. I’ll definitely show this post to him.
Thank you,
Ben
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Building the biking to work habit =-.
Hey Ben,
I see my two stepsisters struggling with it. Your comment reminded me to show them this post. Thanx 😉
Just came across this post today.
Like many others, this is very timely for me.
I am in the process of moving out of the house (next year), and my idea of the life I want to live does not really mesh with my family’s idea.
It’s just reassuring to hear other people going through the same thing, or that have advice.
Thanks Eduard!
.-= Steven Ponec´s last blog ..Crediting yourself =-.
Hey Steven,
Welcome aboard. Hope you’ll make the best out of moving out of the house.
Being from an asian backround and I can only relate to this too well. I remember when I failed all my exams and how my parents felt…but they softened and understood that wasn’t the right path for me. I see other with the constant battle with their loved ones and it serves one purpose: to bring out that assertiveness in you. That is the lesson to be taken away.
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..Video – Are You Still Doing Things To Make People ‘Like’ You? =-.
Hey Amit,
Some parents can be a real challenge because of their strong opinions. In the end, I think if you learn to deal with this effectively, you’ve learned an important life skill.
Hey Eduard, (I tried leaving comment yesterday but they weren’t showing up so trying again)
This is rife in the asian culture. When I failed all my exams my parents were very disappointed but they were soft on me and allowed me to follow my path. I’ve seen other people in our culture get pushed into vocations which they just didn’t want to do. Some great tips there for those individuals.
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..Video – Are You Still Doing Things To Make People ‘Like’ You? =-.
Yeah, I found your comment in spam and unspamed it. Beats me how it got there.
Hello. I really enjoyed this post. I have found when we keep our minds positive and take action on what it is we want for ourselves, there is a respect that people around us that begins to develop to allow us that space to create and do what we love.
Good point. Our confidence in what we do also tends to make others respect our decisions. It’s not universal in my perspective, but it does happen often.
I agree with this, my parents are so f-ing annoying. They seem to think they know everything best, well I say **** them, nobody knows everything best. I’m not an idiot, even though they are my parents.
I belong to an Asian family and I m currently undergoing this pressure.My mom doesn’t understand anything what I want do in life……it’s only about the grades I get in the exam…..when I planned to be serious in my academics she ruined everything
Now, I want to die but that’s not a solution instead I m planning to shift from my home next year.
The points you made are clear and open,mostly the youths suffer from this, when making a step towards fulfilling their dreams in life.
Sometimes there comes a point when you just need to cut ties. When the most serious detractors, the most negative influences, and the most hurtful comments come from those you’re supposed to look up to and/or lean on for support, you really need to swallow the bitterness of the freedom pill, and bolt!
Sometimes their words and ideas follow you, and you have a hard time living your own life with their endless disappointment ringing in your ears. It may require professional assistance to silence those nagging voices that ruled your life for so many years. I’m approaching 40 and still fighting it. I’ve had to finally completely sever all ties. It’s a painful thought that those who should be most supportive are instead the most destructive, and that you have to escape, not suffer. But it’s your life. You were not put on this earth to live for them, nor are you obligated to go insane to make them happy.
It stings, it’s disappointing, and sometimes makes you feel like the jerk instead of the victim, but that’s all in your head.
Of course, my head loves to make me feel guilty. Still working on that, but I’ve never felt so free in 39 years of life.
Hi, I have high functioning autism but I still feel that my family pressures and complains about my communication skills. I know they want me to succeed and see me develop, but it will take a lot longer than it takes for average people. I also have my parents feel disappointed in my decisions and they don’t understand why I wish to be a comic artist over a painter or plain author. I get they nag and pressure me because they wish me the best but it always seems overwhelming. I am trying my best yet I have a hard time with serious situations or anything that is negative. Anyways, I agree that the assertive skill is important and it is the most difficult one of all. According to my friends, I just need a break from my family. However, I feel that my family has too many problem for simply moving away to work. However, as you said, you must not try to please your family. I have a hard time letting that go. I won’t give up though, I will keep trying to improve so my family and I can someday feel safe around each other.
I find parents to be very selfish though their offspring. If parents really cared for their kids happiness, they’d actually ask their kids what would make them happy and work with them to achieve that. If parents pressure you to date or persue a certain career path, I’m sure they’re thinking more about their own desires, not yours.