January 24, 2014

How to Stop Being Envious

Envy can be a real pain in the ass.

I’ve heard some people say that envy is good, because it gets you motivated to do great things in life, in order to be better than others. But I don’t really know about that. I find that envy does much more harm than good, and overall it’s something to overcome.

The Perils of Being Envious

First of all, I find this assumption that envy creates motivation to enhance your life to be severely flawed. In my coaching I often interact with people who are very envious, or people who themselves deal with other people who are very envious.

And more often than not, what envy actually creates is a strong tendency to backstab others, try and sabotage them, spread rumors about them or be passive-aggressive towards them. I guess it’s more convenient to try to pull somebody down than to lift yourself above them.

Second of all, even if envy motivates you to achieve something in life, it might be something you don’t really want. You just go for it because others have it. But it doesn’t make you intrinsically happier.

Think of all the people who work 80 hours a week, in a crappy job, so they can make more money than other people around them. And they eventually end up making more money, but then they find out that, besides the fleeting pride, more money doesn’t make them that much happier, and having more time for themselves would have been a much better path. It’s a very common situation.

envy

Plus, even if you surpass a person in one aspect of life, soon enough you’ll find another aspect where they’ve surpassed you. You’re making more money than they are, but they have a happier marriage than you. Bummer! Later you’ll find individuals who are making more money than you, so more envy gets triggered.

Because you’ll always find people who are better off than you in at least one area, you’ll always feel envious. You’ll be spending lots of time feeling angry and bitter towards others because they have something you don’t. Not a good way to live your life.

4 Ways to Get Over Your Envy

This being said, let’s look at how to stop being envious. Envy can be a deeply ingrained emotion, and overcoming it does require some smart strategies. You may wanna stop being envious just like that, but it’s not that simple.

In time, I’ve discovered that 4 strategies in particular work very well in overcoming envy. Here they are, one by one:

1. Stay Less Informed About Others

In today’s world we are encouraged to constantly keep in touch with every person we’ve ever met and know every detail of their life. We connect with others on Facebook and Twitter and other social media outlets, and we find out what they’re wearing, what they’re eating, what parties they’re going to every day.

However, when we learn something about another person, it’s common to automatically compare ourselves to them. It’s pretty much human nature. And when we do, we are likely to find reasons to feel envious. So having too much info about other people’s lives stimulates envy.

There are actually studies that show, for instance, that spending a lot of time on Facebook leads to a decrease in overall life satisfaction, because of this very dynamic.

This is why it’s a good idea to avoid being too connected to the lives of a large number of people. Of course, keep in touch with friends and people you care about, learn about their lives, but don’t stay too informed about too many people. It’s bad for you.

2. Embrace Abundance

One reason why some of us feel envy very easily is because we are in a mindset of insufficiency. Consciously or not, we deem that there are very few resources in this world, and if others get a lot of them, there won’t be enough left for us.

If others make a lot of money, there won’t be enough left for us. If others date attractive women/men, we won’t have anyone attractive to date. Or so the logic goes.

But it’s a flawed logic. The truth is that while many resources are limited, the limits are placed somewhere very high. We do live in a world of abundance and frequently there is plenty to go around.

It’s an excellent idea to practice this way of thinking. Embrace the idea of abundance and don’t let your mind trick you into seeing false shortages. It will make you much more relaxed.

3. Learn to Like Yourself

Another typical reason why we are envious of others is because we don’t have a good opinion of ourselves. So when we find out something positive about another person, it acts as a reminder of our own shortcomings. And when you have a poor self-image, any such reminder hurts like hell.

Considering this, a big part of learning how to stop being envious is to improve your self-image and learn to like yourself. Not only that it will make you less envious, but it will transform your whole life for the better.

Improving your self-image is an entire psychological process, which entails dealing with several limiting belies. I don’t plan to discuss this process in detail here, but if you wanna learn more about how it works, I suggest you watch this instructional presentation, where I share my formula for improving your self-image and social confidence.

4. Build Stronger Relationships

You may have noticed that we don’t feel that envious when a close friend or a dear relative achieves something awesome. That’s because we are strongly emotionally connected to them and their success sort of feels like our success. So we are happy for them rather than envious o them.

This is why a great but often overlooked way to overcome envy is to build better, deeper relationships with people. Having lots of acquaintances and no real friends doesn’t make a fulfilling social life, and it predisposes you to feeling a lot of envy. Having good friends and acquaintances is the way to go.

Deepening your relationships with others does depend on having good social skills and a dose of social confidence. And lacking them is what prevents many folks from developing fulfilling relationships.

So if you wanna improve your social skills and confidence, I recommend that you join my free social confidence newsletter, where I share most of my advice on these key topics. I’m sure you’ll find the content you’ll be receiving from me very relevant for you.

Feeling envious rarely leads to good outcomes. If you often feel envious of others, my advice is to make overcoming this issue a priority. And if you know other people who easily get envious, try to help them work on overcoming this as well.

The resources to work effectively on overcoming envy do exist. I trust this article is one such resource. Start putting the ideas laid here into practice, and I’m certain you’ll like the results you’ll see.

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Filed Under: Attitude, Relationships Tagged With: , , , 1 Comment
September 21, 2013

Have a Social Support System

Of all the things that can help you be happy and successful in life, very few are as important as having a social support system. By social support system (or 3S), I mean a network of people (friends, family, business partners, etc.) that you can rely on for various forms of assistance in overcoming hurdles and in achieving your goals.

The people in your social support system can help you in many ways:

  • They offer you feedback and advice to help you in your pursuits;
  • They provide emotional support when the going gets tough;
  • They offer a model through their own behavior and pursuits;
  • They may lend you resources or give you a helping hand when in necessity;
  • They are there for you and you know you can count on them.

All this readily available support proves itself to be enormously useful. The truth is that no matter how smart and ambitious you are, great things can only be achieved with the support of others. And the people who’ve achieved the greatest things have usually had a good social support system to rely on.

This being said, there are a few important ideas worth mentioning about social support systems.

A Single Person Is Not a System

A system entails a number of elements, not just one. Having one friend does not equal having a social system. Having a romantic partner or spouse that you always go to for help and no friends to speak of beyond them, also doesn’t count.

There are only so many ways a single person can help you and sometimes they simply won’t be able to do much for you. Plus, what happens if that friend moves to another country? Or if you break up with your partner? All your support has gone down the drain.

If you have social network of one, you need to expand it in order to develop an actual interpersonal system for support. Go out there, meet new people, make conversation and build friendships. Multiple of them.

Compatibility Does Matter a Lot

teamNot every person you’ll meet will be a good fit as a member of your 3S. They need to have similar goals, values and life principles to you in order to help you in a meaningful way. Otherwise they will often pull you down rather than push you up, even if they are very well intentioned.

Considering the diversity of goals, values and life principles among people, I dare say that from all the people you’ll meet, the ones who can make good members of your social support system will probably be a minority.

Nevertheless, you will find plenty of them if you maintain an active social life, you meet lots of people and you explore the possibilities. But you have to do these things. It does take some work to meet good people for you.

Support Implies Reciprocity

A good social support system involves reciprocity: you receive help from members of the system in various forms, and you provide help to them in return. If you only take and you do not give, after a while the people you rely on will stop being there for you.

A social support system functions much more on self-interest than on altruism. It’s the idea that by helping each other, a bunch of people can get much further than they could on their own, that keeps it functioning well. This is what has been keeping society working for thousands of years, and this is what keeps a 3S working.

It’s Time to Let Go of Your Social Insecurities

The biggest obstacle for most people in building a good social support system for themselves is shyness and lack of confidence. This prevents them from attending social events, starting conversations with others, being social and building strong relationships.

If this is your case, it’s time you learn how to stop being shy and gain the social confidence you want. Get this area of your life handled, and everything else will fall into place.

I recommend you join my free social confidence newsletter, when I will share with you a couple of times per week proven advice and techniques to gain social confidence, develop your social skills, and build the social life of your dreams.

When you join you’ll also get immediate access to a special presentation where I reveal some of my top know-how on gaining conversation confidence, based on my 5+ years of experience as a social confidence coach.

So, join the newsletter here, and I’ll talk to you some more on the other side.

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Filed Under: Lifestyle, Relationships Tagged With: , , 1 Comment
July 29, 2013

How to Keep a Conversation Going With a Girl

As a social confidence coach, I work regularly with guys who struggle with keeping conversations going. In particular, they have trouble prolonging discussions with members of the opposite sex, which is why how to keep a conversation going with a girl is a topic that I often address.

There is a lot of advice out there on how to talk to girls, and there are numerous approaches, from using memorized lines, to playing the nice guy, to bombarding her with questions.

I like to think that my approach differentiates itself from the majority because I don’t teach guys superficial gimmicks or routines, and I don’t encourage them to be fake. I help them understand female psychology and social dynamics, gain social confidence and build real social skills with women.

There are a few tried and tested ideas regarding how to keep a conversation going with a girl that truly work very well, and I constantly encourage my coaching clients to apply them. I’d like to share them with you, one by one.

Step 1: Stop Romanticizing Women

Almost every guy I know who has trouble keeping conversation going with girls has this strong inclination to romanticize women. They see women as flawless, especially beautiful ones, they think women in general are above them and hard to impress, and they believe they must always say something brilliant in conversation in order to keep a women’s interest.

This mindset is very far from reality, and it makes it hard for them to hold a conversation with girl. They don’t see anything they have to say as good enough, they pressure themselves to be witty with every comment they make, and thus they end up having little to say in a discussion.

This is why it’s imperative to stop romanticizing women. It will allow you to relax around women, be confident, and speak your mind without second guessing yourself all the time. And this is a very attractive behavior, which coincidentally also makes conversation feel effortless.

Of course, to stop romanticizing women is easier said than done. We’re talking about changing a thinking and behavioral habit, which requires particular psychological techniques. To dig into them, watch this instructional presentation in which I discuss this subject separately and more thoroughly.

Step 2: Find out Her Interests

Guys often have a hard time knowing what to talk about with a girl because they don’t know her interests. They may think: “I can talk about computers, because I’m interested in this subject; but will she be interested?”

girlOne way to solve this predicament is by trial and error. You begin talking about a certain topic that you think she might be interested in, and if she does indeed seem interested, you keep talking about it. If not, you move to another topic, and another, and another, seeking to find those that she can relate to. And this is a natural part of a regular conversation.

However, there is an even better way to deal with this predicament. Early in the conversation, you ask the girl a simple, straightforward question that elicits her interests. I usually like to ask something like: “So, what do you like to do?” or “Tell me: what are your interests?”

She will mention a few of them, and then I know what I can talk about that she’ll enjoy. I then identify among those topics the ones I enjoy as well, and I know these are directions I can confidently take the conversation in. This is how to keep a conversation going with a girl by finding common ground.

Step 3: Talk Some about Yourself

There is this popular idea that to keep a conversation going with a girl you just met, you have to ask her lots of questions, because everybody loves to talk about themselves, and not talk too much about yourself, because you’ll appear self-absorbed.

I don’t know who first came up with this idea, but in all seriousness I doubt they had many experiences talking to women. Because in practice, this idea rarely holds water.

You need to realize that when you’re talking with a girl you just met, to her, you are mostly a stranger. She knows almost nothing about you. And a girl isn’t gonna feel comfortable answering a long line of personal questions from a guy she knows almost nothing about. I can’t tell you how many girls have confessed this to me.

For this reason it’s important when you’re talking to a girl to combine asking her questions with talking about yourself. It is this mix of her talking, you talking, her talking some more, you talking some more, that makes the conversation move forward and helps both of you become comfortable with each other. And that’s exactly what you want.

Typically, you may hesitate to talk about yourself, and because you lack practice, you may not be very good at it either. But this is something that you can only overcome with practice. So try to be more talkative and talk more about yourself. With experience you’ll get better at it and it will get a lot easier as well.

Step 4: Manage Your Anxiety

Guys who want to learn how to keep a conversation going with a girl typically feel a lot of anxiety when talking to girls, or even just thinking about it. Their heart races, their mind often goes blank, and this naturally makes dialogue difficult.

Nearly every time, this anxiety is the real root of the problem. Not a lack of conversation skills; or at least, not as much. And if you wanna be able to make effortless conversation with a girl, you need to weed out the problem from its root.

In other words, you need to learn how to manage your anxiety around girls, so you can feel at ease talking to any girl. Then you’ll naturally be able to have conversations as long as you want.

Since this is an intricate topic, I address it separately and in more detail in this special video. I recommend you watch it right now, because in it you’ll learn some of the most powerful information in existence about eliminating conversation anxiety and building conversation confidence. So make sure you watch it.

I know talking to a girl may be difficult for you right now. But trust me, this can completely change. Yes, it will take some work. You have to learn to deal with your nervousness, and you need to create better conversation habits for yourself.

The good news is that there are quality resources and specialists ready to assist you on this journey. If you haven’t already, I invite you to join my free social confidence newsletter, and you’ll receive regular advice from me for improving your social confidence and social skills.

Your social life is in your hands. Make the best of it.

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Filed Under: Communication Skills, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 2 Comments
July 16, 2013

How to Stop Being Needy

Do you often sabotage yourself by being needy? Whether this happens in job-related situations, around other people in general or around members of the opposite sex that you fancy, I want to let you know that you can learn how to stop being needy and solve this issue. Permanently.

Over the last several years, I’ve coached dozen of individuals who were needy and I helped them gain the self-confidence they desired. The fact of the matter is that being needy is a process, created in your mind by the way you think about yourself and others.

And you can reverse this process through proven psychological techniques, thus replacing neediness with sell-confidence. Here’s the gist of this procedure.

1. Build Trust in Your Strengths

First and foremost, you have to get in touch with you own strengths. Do some self-exploration and get to know your own strengths. Acknowledge them to yourself and become aware of their value in this world, for you or for others around you.

If you’re often needy, it’s almost certain that you don’t have a very good opinion of yourself, and that has a lot to do with seeing your flaws but not seeing your strengths. A big part of learning how to stop being needy is correcting this state.

The goal is for you to know our strengths better and trust them. Thus you’ll see yourself in a better light, which will make more things seem possible for you, which will automatically make you less desperate. There is a lot of power in seeing yourself in an overall positive way.

2. Think in Terms of Abundance

freeAlso common for people who are needy is a perception of shortage. “If I don’t get this job I will never find another one like it.” “If I don’t get this person to be with me, I will never find anyone like them.” This is how their routine thinking goes.

But this is never true. In reality, no matter how special an opportunity is, there are many other opportunities similar to it. That are many great jobs and great women/men out there, and this is something that you need to realize and internalize.

Put another way, in order to stop being needy and desperate, it’s essential for you to think in terms of abundance. To see this world as a world full of opportunities, in which when one door closes, another one opens. It is very much true. And this is a way of thinking that you can develop with practice.

But, this is not as straightforward a process as it may seem. There is an entire art and science to changing the way you think. To learn more about it, I recommend you watch this practical presentation right now, where I discuss it in more detail. It’s loaded with relevant confidence building advice for you.

3. Challenge Yourself

One of the amazing things about challenging yourself is that besides helping you be more confident, it also helps you stop being needy.

This makes a lot of sense. When you challenge yourself and you surpass these challenges (which one way or another you almost always do), you prove to yourself that you’re capable and you can rely on your won person.

This in turn builds the perception that you have many options in life, in dating, in your career, and so on. And that’s how to stop being needy in any of these areas.

Our regular tendency is to avoid challenge. Because challenges create struggle and sometimes generates anxiety. This tendency is especially true for people who are needy. So it’s crucial for you to correct this tendency and begin doing the very opposite.

Consistently challenge yourself. Push yourself out of your comfort zone, try new things, and take calculated risks. You’ll be surprised what you can achieve and how your image of yourself and of the world can change.

For more advice on how to stop being needy don’t forget to watch this video, and put into practice the ideas you’ve learned so far.

The truth is that you don’t have to be needy. It’s not a fixed personality trait. It’s a mere habit you’ve picked up over the years through some bad social conditioning. You can completely remove this conditioning and be the confident person you want to be. Many before you have managed to do so.

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June 29, 2013

“Why Do People Ignore Me?” The 4 Potential Explanations

As a social confidence coach, I work very often with men and women who feel as if they are invisible to others around them, and they ask themselves: Why do people ignore me?

Maybe in conversations others seem to pay no attention to them, maybe nobody talks to them at a social event but they seem to talk to almost everyone else, or maybe when people they know go out they never invite them.

If you’re in such a situation and you’re asking yourself “why do people ignore me?” I’d like to answer this question for you from my perspective. In my experience, there are 4 probable explanations. In some cases only one of them will be valid; in other cases a few or even all of them will be valid.

1. Your Presence Doesn’t Grab or Hold People’s Attention

The truth is that most folks don’t put a lot of deliberate effort in trying to pay attention to someone or something. They simply pay attention to whomever or whatever naturally grabs their focus.

The people who grab their focus are the ones who stand out and project themselves with confidence. These are the ones who speak in a firm, easy to hear voice in conversation, hold good eye contact, use clear, convinced gestures, and move with poise through a social setting. This makes them hard to ignore.

Conversely, people who get ignored most of the time have feeble body language, speak seldom and in a very soft voice, and they pretty much blend into the scenery. This is what makes them nearly invisible.

2. You Are a Stranger to Others

Here’s a scene you can witness often at a party: a guy walks up to a group of 3 other guys and shakes hands with all of them, but when he speaks, he seems to only look at two of them, while mostly ignoring the third.

At times, when he walks up to the group he will only shake hands with the first two guys and skips the third one entirely.

Why is he doing this? Because the third guy is a stranger to him. He knows the first two guys well, he spoke with them before, but he never talked with the third one, even though he may have seen him before.

And when we deal with strangers, we are often inclined to ignore them. It’s not polite, it’s not very social, but most of us only do what feels comfortable to us, which is why we ignore people we don’t know very well. And unless the other person makes an effort to be social with us, we never get to know them, which creates a self-sustaining cycle.

It is possible that in your social environment, you are a stranger to lots of people. And since they don’t know you and they barely know anything about you, their natural inclination will often be to ignore you. It’s your job to break this cycle.

3. You Seem Unfriendly

LonelyAnother likely explanation is that some of the people around you have tried to be social with you in the past, but your response was less than welcoming. Maybe you didn’t say much, you answered their questions mostly with two-word statements, and you didn’t appear to enjoy talking to them.

I know that this may have been because you were feeling nervous and didn’t know what to talk about, and you really wanted to be more outgoing, but the fact is you weren’t. And others falsely assumed it’s because you don’t like them. So, after a short while they stopped trying to be friendly with you and they started ignoring you.

Another reason why if you often feel nervous around new people, it’s crucial to get this issue handled. And you can do so, because anxiety and shyness can be eradicated by making some tweaks to the way your mind works.

Check out this presentation I created to learn how to do this. In it describe the tried and tested formula for gaining social confidence, so I’m sure you’ll find it very useful.

4. You Haven’t Found the Right People

Maybe some people have interacted with you in the past, you were talkative, they got to know you, and yet they still ignore you. What gives?

The last plausible explanation and answer to “Why do people ignore me?” is that many of the individuals you’ve met simply don’t match well with you in terms of values and interests. You’re not the kind of person they wanna be best friends with.

Don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean you’re not likeable, it just means you’re not their type. Which means they’re not really your type either. Maybe you’re the kind who wants to talk about career and world events, while all they care about is fast cars and what’s on TV. We have a clear mismatch.

What this means is simply that you haven’t found the right people for you. You need to meet new people, perhaps in other kinds of environments, get to know them and allow them to know you. In time, this process will bring in your life people you match well with and who simply won’t resist from talking to you and paying attention to you.

Now you know why people ignore you. It’s one or more of these 4 explanations above.

The best news is that all of these are issues you can fix or circumvent. You don’t have to be lonely and have no friends. You don’t have to be ignored by others. You can change all of this.

If you haven’t already, I invite you to join my free social confidence newsletter, where I share weekly advice and techniques to help you achieve this. It’s the top resource you can find for enhancing your social confidence, skills and life.

Good luck and I hope to see you in the newsletter as well!

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Filed Under: Attitude, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 45 Comments
January 22, 2013

How to Play Hard To Get

In the realm of courtship, knowing how to play hard to get matters. A lot. I’ve heard many people tell me that when they have to work in order to get the attention or sexual availability of a member of the opposite sex, they enjoy it considerably more when they get it.

Like or not, we tend to subjectively perceive something more valuable if it was challenging to acquire than if it was just handed to us on a silver platter. And this pertains to male-female interactions as well.

Finding the Middle Ground

The problem concerning how to play hard to get is that many men and women go to an extreme and they do one of two things.

A) They do not play hard to get at all and they make themselves very easily available.

Now, to be clear, this doesn’t mean that members of the opposite sex still won’t like them. There are many traits beyond being a challenge that can make you attractive. However, learning how to play hard to get and doing this would really make them visibly more exciting.

B) They play hard to get too much, up to the point where they seem completely uninterested in the other person or totally inaccessible to them.

Thus, the other person will simply give up and stop pursuing them. Keep in mind that after all, this is called playing hard to get, not being hard to get. It’s all a fun little courtship game.

So, the trick is to find that middle ground. To behave in a way that makes you a challenge, but a surmountable one. That’s when you’re playing hard to get effectively.

It Starts With Your Attitude

The most important determinant by far of how well you can play hard to get is your attitude.

Guy and girlAs a confidence and communication coach, I’ve noticed that people who are very good at playing hard to get all have something in common regarding their attitude: they have a solid dose of social confidence.

This social confidence consists of several elements. First of all, they have a good self-image. They see themselves as likeable, attractive and worthy of the attention of men/women.

Second of all, they are willing to accept rejection and to risk the possibility that a person might sometimes be discouraged by the fact they pose a challenge. And last but not least, they’re not afraid to show their interest in somebody and they can also stop playing games when it’s fitting.

These forms of social confidence lead them to naturally behave in a way that makes getting them a fun challenge. They do it brilliantly well and they don’t even think about it.

Of course, you can try to just copy their behavior, and you will succeed to some extent, but it doesn’t work that well if you lack the inner social confidence.

Many times, you’ll miscalibrate those behaviors, or you’ll miss the subtleties in them and they’ll come off wrong when you use them. Plus, without the inner confidence, you’ll never internalize them and they won’t ever feel natural to you.

This is why I often say that the best way to learn how to play hard to get is to build your social confidence. Develop the attitude of people who are good at playing hard to get, and you’ll naturally become good as well.

With this in mind, I invite you to check out my special presentation on building social confidence. In it I will show you exactly where social confidence comes from, and what are the two simple, scientifically supported steps for improving it. Go here and watch it.

5 Ways to Play Hard To Get

Beyond working on the attitude part, there are some specific behaviors you can practice when dealing with persons of the opposite sex in order to successfully play hard to get. Here are the top 5 such behaviors that I’ve indentified as creating the very best results.

1) Giving double-sided compliments. A double-sided compliment is a positive remark about the other person, but which also contains an implicit joke or negative remark about them. For example: “You’re pretty cute for a short girl”.

In this case, calling the girl cute is a compliment, but the overall remark also implies that in general you don’t find short girls (which she is) cute. Double-sided compliments are a great way to convey interest, but in a cocky, non-needy way.

2) Taking rain checks. When somebody you like asks you out or to do something with them at a certain date and time, politely say to them that you can’t at that suggested moment because you have others plans, but that you’ll gladly do it some other time.

The key is to decline the invitation, but only for the proposed date and time. If you just decline it, they might think you’re simply not interested in them. You want to show availability and lack of availability at the same time.

3) Dividing your attention. When you’re in a group setting and there is a person you like in that group, pay attention to them, talk to them, but pay attention to the other members of the group as well, especially the ones of the opposite gender.

Do give this person attention but don’t give them your whole attention. Give them some attention, then take it away and refocus it, then give them some more, then take it away again.

4) Not showing too much interest too early. It’s rarely a good idea to convey to a member of the opposite sex, verbally or non-verbally, that you’re totally enthralled with them the very first moment you lay eyes on them.

A person with a good self-image and a lot of options in their life is not impressed that easily. Don’t try to hide that they caught your eye and you want to get to know them better. But don’t convey a ton of interest right off the bat either.

5) Not being in a hurry to get into a relationship. For a person who is confident and independent, there is nothing more off putting then to simply make out with some girl/guy at a party and have them immediately start treating you as if you’re their boyfriend/girlfriend: calling you non-stop, wanting to hang out all the time, visiting you and not leaving anymore, etc.

Take your time. Don’t be in a rush to make somebody your significant other and don’t suffocate them with your attention. Get to know them better, experiment, have fun, and let the relationship build up gradually.

As you employ these behaviors, bear in mind that in learning how to play hard to get, you’ll make much more progress from changing your attitude along with your behavior than by changing your behavior alone.

Again, I encourage you to watch this presentation on becoming socially confident.

Your behavior will always be inclined to reflect your inner attitude. And there is only so much that you can play hard to get if it doesn’t come from within. But if it does come from within (and you can make it so), it will change the way others react to you entirely.

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Filed Under: People Skills, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , Leave a Comment
January 19, 2013

What to Say to a Girl You Like

Social confidence newsletter reader Mike asks: “I would really love to know what to say to a girl I like. There is this cute girl at work who often drops by my department with various tasks. She always smiles at me and I’d very much like to talk to her, but I don’t know what to say. Would you please give me some advice?”

Well, Mike, and everyone else who wants to learn what to say to a girl, talking with a girl is not exactly rocket science. I know it may seem that way to you right now, but this is not because it’s something complicated, it’s because you’re in the wrong mindset about women.

Enter Pedestalizing

girlAlmost every man I’ve coached who had trouble talking to women had this habit of pedestalizing women, especially the ones he finds attractive.

He will make them seem in his mind much better than they really are, almost perfect frequently, and he will put them on a pedestal way above himself. Then he will believe than he needs some special approach in talking with this girl, in order to blow her mind.

But this mindset is inaccurate. And worse, it does not work. It generates anxiety around women, coyness, needy and clumsy behavior, which ultimately makes women slip away or it drives women away.

The best approach as far as what to say to a girl goes is to talk to her like a normal person. Even if she’s very attractive, even if you like her a lot, just make casual conversation with her.

Now, if you don’t know how to talk to people in general, that’s a different issue altogether and you’ll have to learn that. However, once you know how to make conversation on the whole, that’s precisely what you’re gonna do with any girl.

Some specific things that you can do include:

  • Asking her open-ended questions to learn stuff about her;
  • Trying to relate to what she says based on your own experiences and knowledge;
  • Talking about yourself and your own life, passions, ideas, etc;
  • Bringing up conversation topics that interest you and chances are will interest her as well;
  • Being genuine in conversation and being willing to take risks.

All of these are perfectly reasonable ways to talk to a girl you like. No need for fancy lines or gimmicks. Just be a normal, relaxed conversationalist.

In order to do this though, you need to stop pedestalizing women and to develop your social confidence around women. This is the most important change you can make.

If you want to learn how to make it, then I encourage you to check out this video presentation I created, which addresses this precise topic.

In it I’ll explain in more detail what makes you insecure around women and how to become socially confident. And believe me, there is nothing more attractive and empowering than social confidence.

The Special Ingredient

All of the above considered, there is one special ingredient that you’ll want to add when talking to a girl you like, something you clearly won’t do with guys or with girls you don’t like. And that ingredient is flirting.

Flirting lets the girl know that you see her as more than just a friend and it gives the interaction a sexual vibe. If you won’t do this, she’ll probably just see you as a cool guy that she likes to chat with. Which isn’t bad, but if you fancy her it’s not how you want her to see you.

Flirting can entail a lot of things: giving her sexual compliments, talking in a sexual way with her, telling her you like her, joking around, bringing up intimate topics, strong eye-contact, initiating lots of touching, and so on.

The key however is to flirt in a confident way. You can say to a girl “You’re cute” and depending on how you say it, it may seem needy or it may turn her on. And the one variable that dictates how you say it and thus how she’ll perceive it is your level of confidence.

Confident men flirt in a bold, but detached way that other man simply can’t mimic. And this makes them exhilarating. I wish I could tell you that you can just copy this way of flirting, but like I just said, this cannot be done. Good flirting comes from within.

Again, it’s a matter of developing real confidence. Beyond having real confidence, as long as you’re willing to flirt and you understand some flirting at a basic level, you will do it well. One more reason to watch this presentation on gaining social confidence.

That’s it, really. The basic framework regarding what to say to a girl you like is quite simple. Know how to make casual conversation, flirt with her and be confident. Everything else will happen naturally.

Women will naturally respond to you and become attracted to you. You’ll have plenty of options in your dating life, if some women sporadically won’t like you it won’t matter to you at all, and you’ll enjoy a romantic life like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s up to you to make this happen.

Image courtesy of Kam

Filed Under: Communication Skills, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 5 Comments
November 4, 2012

What Do Women Want In a Man?

Any straight man, at one point or another in his life, will ask himself: “what do women want in a man?” And when he realizes he doesn’t truly have the answer, he’ll go searching for it.

One of the most common ways for guys to find out what do women want in a man is by asking his lady friends what they want in a man. Supposing they have a big enough sample of female friends to ask this, it may provide some value for them in understanding women’s desires.

However, this method is highly flawed because of two reasons:

1. Many women will simply not be completely honest. They’ll tell the guy what he wants to hear or what will make them look good rather than the naked truth; many times without even realizing.

For instance, a woman may not disclose to a guy that she wants a man who can dominate her physically in bed, because she is afraid that she’ll seem like a slut, but deep down she does have this craving.

2. Women often don’t know themselves what they want in a man. So they’ll talk about what they think they want in a guy, but it’s frequently not what they truly want and what generates emotional attraction towards a guy. And this phenomenon often applies for men as well.

Considering this, what is the best way to know: what do women want in a man?

I believe the best way is to study women’s behavior towards men.  And, if the sample of women is big enough, you’ll reach the most reliable conclusions.

If a women says she wants s guy who is sensitive, but she constantly dates ice-cold guys despite a generous availability of sensitive guys around her, then she obviously wants ice-cold guys rather than sensitive ones.

If she says she wants a guy who is tall and dark, but then falls madly in love with and desperately pursues a guy who is short and blonde, it’s likely that her desire for tall, blonde guys is only at a superficial level.

Working as a communication and confidence coach, having built for myself a pretty rich and active social life, and being a keen observer of human nature, I have noticed a few highly consistent patterns in numerous women’s behavior towards men, which indicate convincingly what women want in a man.

Of course, every woman is different, but there is definitely on overarching theme in women’s desires regarding men.

So, if you’re asking yourself “what do women want in a man?” I’d like to share with you my conclusions. I believe that above all, women truly want and react emotionally strongly to these traits:

1. Confidence

Yes, it’s true. Confidence is, by far, one of the most attractive traits you can have. The men that I know who are very successful with women are very different, but the one quality they noticeably have in common is a high dose of confidence.

They are comfortable in their own skin and they like themselves as they are. Consequently, they are sociable, they are genuine in social interactions, they are persistent and they don’t take crap from anybody. And women quickly pick up on this and it involuntarily generates attraction.

Fortunately, confidence is a psychological trait that you can develop through deliberate action. Trust me; I help people develop it for a living.

If you want to learn the steps you need to take in order to build confidence effectively and quickly, then make sure to watch this unique presentation I have created, in which I’ll reveal them to you.

2. Masculine Energy

Ultimately, a woman desires a man, not a girlfriend with a penis. There are certain traits that come off as (primarily) masculine, just as there are certain traits that come off as (primarily) feminine.

A masculine energy is what you convey when you manifest such masculine traits.

There is a wide range of characteristics that are generally masculine: decisiveness, dominance (not the same as aggressiveness), firm voice tone, strong eye contact, seeking challenge, having clear goals and ambitions in life, perseverance, practical thinking, being protective, achieving status, and so on.

The lesson here is two-folded:

1) Don’t be afraid to convey the masculine traits you have (yes, you have lots of them, even if you may have lost touch with some). Put them out there and be proud to be a man.

2) Develop your masculine traits. Pick just one or two of them at a time, and work on improving them.

3. Good Social Skills

If you look during social interactions at the guys women react very well to (they flirt with them, they seek their attention, they ‘eye-fuck’ them) these guys will demonstrate some class of sharp social skills.

Maybe they are funny or they are very fluent verbally. Maybe they are charismatic or they know how to make a girl feel special. Maybe they are good listeners or mesmerizing story tellers. Or maybe they have a mix of these qualities.

Any way you cut it, they have a range of good social skills. The bigger the range and the higher each skill in it, the more attractive they are.

We live in a social world; we always have. And this is why social skills make all the difference in the world, and they are worth enhancing. Again, this presentation will prove very useful here.

4. An Interesting Lifestyle

The key is to not be just another guy who goes to a boring 9 to 5 job, then watches TV and plays computer games all day long. Too many guys are like that, and they all lack an edge.

You don’t need to have a James Bond lifestyle either, but it does prove tremendously helpful if there are just a few elements in your life that make it unordinary, above average and exciting. They make it interesting and then women feel the natural urge to be a part of it, and to be with you.

This is why I always encourage men to take on interesting hobbies, to try new things, to constantly challenge themselves and to do things they are passionate about. A man with an interesting life is very sexy.

Okay; at this point you may be asking yourself: but what about money, looks and fame?

My answer is that these things do help, but now having theme is definitely not a deal breaker, at least not with the vast majority of women.

At the end of the day, confidence, masculine energy, good social skills and an interesting lifestyle outweigh everything else. What do women want in a man most of all? It’s these 4 traits.

This is great because, while there are limits to how much you can improve your looks and few people will ever become millionaires, becoming more confident, masculine, and skilled socially, and gaining a more interesting lifestyle are within your reach, no matter who you are.

So, all that’s left for me to say is: get out there, better yourself as a man, live the best life possible and have fun. Your attractiveness will soar as a result.

Image courtesy of sebastien.b

Filed Under: Personal Development, Psychology, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 2 Comments
September 24, 2012

How to Not Care What People Think

Are you very sensitive to other people’s opinions? When someone says something negative about you, does it usually hurt a lot? When someone thinks badly of you, do you tend to mull over it incessantly? Then it’s crucial for you to learn how to not care what people think.

It’s smart to take other people’s opinions into consideration and use whatever you find valuable in them. However, if you care too much what others think of you, it’s very easy to get hurt, very hard to do what you want in life and very likely to end up unhappy.

The good news is that you can learn how to not care what people think of you, and you can desensitize yourself to other people’s opinions.

As a confidence coach, I’ve helped many individuals achieve this. I’d like to share with you and prescribe several of the practical actions that helped them the most.

1. Understand Your Reasons Clearly

Most negative opinions directed at you that you’ll hear from others concern things you chose to do, or to believe: “The career you picked is stupid”, “That sweater you’re wearing looks awful”, “Your ideas about marriage are wrong”, and so on.

People who are hypersensitive to such statements or views typically have a weak sense of why they do certain things or why they believe certain things. So when others evaluate these things negatively, it matters a lot to them.

In contrast, if you know exactly why you do something or why you believe something, if you understand your motivations clearly and you know you’re not just acting on impulse or following the heard, it’s much harder to care what other people think.

This is why one of the top advices I offer in teaching others how to not care what people think is to develop a good understanding of their own reasons. It’s like putting armor on you and making your choices impenetrable to naive criticism from the outside.

2. Make Opinions Relative

William Shakespeare once said (in Hamlet, to be more precise): “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so“.

I completely agree with this. Opinions are all relative. They don’t reflect reality; they merely reflect people’s subjective perception of reality.

So the fact a person thinks your hair looks good and another that your hair looks bad has little to do with reality and a lot to do with personal taste. And you might as well follow your own tastes when it comes to your own life.

This is a key idea that you can use to desensitize yourself to people’s perceptions.

When others say bad things about you, remind yourself of the relativity of human evaluations, about the fact they are subjective, not objective. I can vouch from personal experience that this will help you noticeably to calm down and stop feeling bad.

3. Expose Yourself to Adverse Opinions

It’s difficult to care what others think of you if you are used to a wide range of opinions being thrown at you on a regular basis.

For instance, I regularly publish articles on various websites, and in many of them I express some hard-to-swallow ideas. So in the articles’ comments section I get a lot of comments like “This is awesome”, “Brilliant article” but I also get many comments like “This is retarded” or “You’re an idiot”.

And after a period of time, I got used to it. I got used to the praise and I also got used to the ruthless criticism. I still enjoy the praise, but I don’t care about the unconstructive criticism anymore. Now, it actually amuses me.

The lesson here is to stop avoiding hearing adverse opinions and expose yourself to them instead. The more of them you hear, the easier you will take them.

Meet a variety of people, make conversation with them, be genuine and talk openly about your life, beliefs and preferences, even if they may not agree with them. It’s a great way to learn to enjoy appreciation and ignore condemnation.

4. Increase Self-Esteem, Decrease Approval-Seeking

Something I noticed early on is that almost without exception, caring too much what people think is only a symptom of a deeper problem.

This problem is that these oversensitive individuals don’t hold themselves in high regard and they’re perpetually concerned with the approval of others. And in order to get good results, they eventually need to work on this deeper issue and fix it.

Since there is a lot to say on this topic, I have a special presentation for you, in which I discuss how to build self-esteem, stop approval-seeking and gain social confidence. Click here to check it out right now.

Whether it’s learning how to not care what others think or any other positive attitude, it’s always by working from the inside out that you get the best results; from the deeper issues to the surface ones.

Caring too much how others see you is a problem created in your thinking. And ultimately, in adjusting your long-term thinking patterns lies the solution.

This is not hard, but it’s not easy either. It’s just a psychological process, which as long as it’s aided by the right advice, will happen effectively and it will not only transform your emotional reactions, but your entire life.

Image courtesy of bejealousofme

Filed Under: Attitude, Psychology, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 4 Comments