People Skills

Eduard March 7, 2010

How Knowing Yourself Can Improve Your People Skills

Finding my niche as a communication coach and figuring the lifestyle that suits me was not a revelation, it was a process. One of the stepping stones in this process was knowing myself thoroughly and understanding what I have to offer.

An interesting side effect was how much I improved my people skills, as a result of improving my self-knowledge. There is an obvious link between knowing yourself and choosing the right career. I discovered there is also a strong but more subtle link between knowing yourself and your people skills.

It’s funny how the effective personal development in one area often starts in another, apparently far away area. Here are some specific ways I experienced myself how knowing yourself can improve your people skills:

1. More social confidence. When you know yourself well, you know what you are about and you understand your strengths. From this place, confidence to put yourself out there often comes naturally. Knowing yourself often pushes you to meet people and to express yourself socially.

On the other hand, people who have a blurry image about themselves are more reluctant to put themselves out there. They don’t even understand who the person they put out there is, so they often have superficial interactions with others.

2. Building comfort. I realized one of the best ways to make people feel comfortable with you is to give them the chance to know you as a person. And you do this by expressing your thoughts, values, passions, emotions, in a powerful way.

But of course, in order to do this, you have to know them. As you know and open yourself up authentically, it’s easier for other people to reciprocate by opening themselves up. This two-way process is essential in building strong relations.

3. Investing in the right relations. How often have you heard people complaining about how they have the wrong friends or relationships? It’s easy to get caught up in time and energy consuming relations with people who are not a good fit for you when you don’t know yourself.

However, when you understand yourself, your intuition and your logic will better tell you who is a good fit for you. This will help you invest time and energy in maintaining and growing the relations with the right people for you, and letting the other ones fade.

There is a very simple lesson here: if you want to improve your people skills but you don’t know yourself very well, forget your people skills for a while and focus on this aspect. Get to know yourself better and as you do, you will improve your people skills and you will also create a solid foundation for them.

Filed Under: People Skills, Personal Development Tagged With: improve, knowing, people, skills, yourself 13 Comments

Eduard February 19, 2010

You Can’t Handle the Truth

I remember a conversation I had with a female friend who was telling me upset about a comment her boyfriend made related to her appearance:

Her: “He said I have thick thighs. I can believe it!”

Me: “I thought you wanted people to be honest with you. And he’s being honest.”

Her: “Yeah, but c’mon: how can he say that to me? I’m sensible about my appearance!”

Almost every person you ask will say that honesty is one of the top traits she’s looking for in other people: friends, lovers, colleagues or business partners. This is one of those things which are easier said than done. Because when most persons actually meet very honest people and they get a dose of that honesty, their reactions to it commonly suggest something different from their statements.

I believe that in fact, most people are rarely exposed to real honesty about things which they may not take so well. Usually for good reason. Sure, they may say they want honesty about everything, and it might truly be important for them from certain points of view.

But at the same time, a lot of the people they know will not believe this is true, or they will not be willing to risk it. So they will be honest and say the truth to them, only as long as they’re talking about the good or the neutral stuff. When it comes to the negative stuff though, they’ll find ways to avoid the subject, slip out of the conversation, or they’ll just lie and consider they’re tactful, they (yuck!) have people skills.

In my coaching, I will often give a client an honest feedback about a certain shortcoming. For example, I’ll say: “I think you’re listening skills are pretty bad and you could benefit a lot from improving them. You interrupted me almost every time I was talking; you repeatedly asked me questions I’ve already answered and you seem to me to often be in your head when I’m saying something.”

Even though I’ll usually phrase this feedback in a tactful, respectful way, the verbal and nonverbal response the client will give me usually indicates he is blown away by such an honest feedback and he didn’t see it coming. I often get responses like: “I’m not used to being said things like that from people.” What a surprise!

I highly encourage you to notice your emotional and behavioral reactions when someone gives you an honest feedback stating some negative things. Acknowledge your real reactions, not the ones you wish you would have. Then decide to look for very honest people, and to appreciate their honesty, even if sometimes you feel hurt because of it or you get defensive.

If you discover that your external reactions to negative feedback are not the most constructive you could have, work on them as part of improving your people skills. Even if you still hurt on the inside, don’t let this turn into pain for the other person.

Long term, the most important people skills development step you can take in this area is building some emotional toughness. This means you can take a negative feedback without feeling hurt. You can look for the value in the feedback, use it and react in a constructive way towards the feedback giver and his honesty.

I believe that building emotional toughness is one of the key ways you can become able to handle the truth no matter what a person’s truth is, and you can create more honesty and openness in the relations you have.

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills Tagged With: cant, handle, truth, you 18 Comments

Eduard February 7, 2010

Asshole – Book Recommendation

Yes, the book is actually called “Asshole: How I Got Rich and Happy by Not Giving a @!?* About You”, and it’s written by Martin Kihn. I’ve listened to the audio version the past few days, and it quickly made the list of my favorite books.

You can find other valuable info and reviews for the book on Amazon, and you can listen to a free audio sample on LoDingo.

Just turning 40, Martin realizes that his life and his career are not what he dreamed of, and being too nice is the main cause for this. This is how he describes himself in the book:

If you asked me to do you a favor, even the kind of favor that required me to go so far out of my way I needed a map, a translator and an oxygen tank, even if I didn’t know you that well, I might hesitate a second, hoping you’d think of someone else to irritate, but I’d always say yes.

So in order to get what he wants, Martin decides to get rid of his people pleasing persona and turn himself into an asshole. The book is the entertaining and at the same time inspirational story of this real journey and its results, a journey which involves among other things, taking life coaching, acting classes and boxing lessons.

As a personal development passionate, what I liked most about “Asshole” is that it’s a real life experiment, conducted by a real person and then put into words. Some of the ideas Martin implemented you might find a bit too out-there and not want to try, but there are definitely a lot of people skills and personal development ideas you will want to put into practice if you find yourself being very nice, all the time. If you’re wondering: “What’s wrong with being very nice, all the time?” then you definitely need to get this book.

One such idea I found useful is interrupting people. I don’t think it’s a good thing to do this constantly and make it your way of communicating with others, but I do think every once in a while, it has its place in communication. Yet a lot of people I’ve worked with (me included) have or used to have problems in this area and simply could not interrupt people, even if they may have gotten interrupted all the time.

Besides the practical and inspirational side, “Asshole” is written in a very humorous way, using witty language and describing some out of the box experiences one would naturally encounter when deciding to become an asshole. I laughed through the entire audio-book. I recommend you buy the audio version of the book, as all the voice acting only enhances the humor and makes the book even more entertaining.

As for the lessons of the book: is being nice bad? Is becoming an asshole an actual way to improve your people skills? What did Martin decide after his experiment? Well, you’ll just have to go though the book, get the facts and reach your own conclusions.

Filed Under: Career, People Skills, Success Tagged With: asshole, book, recommendation 10 Comments

Eduard January 22, 2010

Your Ability to Smoothly Handle Hearing ‘No’ Is Crucial

This is a guest post from Armen Shirvanian, who writes words of wisdom about mindset, communication, relationships, and related topics at Timeless Information. You can follow him on Twitter at @Armen.

The more you try to do, the more you will have to deal with rejection. The laws of probabilities are on the side of there being some rejections in your efforts. There are a couple of types of rejection that come to mind. There is direct rejection, which offers quick feedback, and can let you go on to your next step right away. Then, there is indirect rejection, which is based on getting very little feedback, or none at all, for a frustrating period of time.

People worry about direct rejection, but getting that is way better than being left to wonder if you were accepted or not. The wait can be tough to handle, and makes you start doubting yourself. While direct rejection doesn’t use up any more of your time, the time loss felt wondering about any indirect rejections is not appealing. The following example shows some of the benefits of direct rejection, and the problems with indirect rejection, and how to deal with it:

Applying to join a club example

You apply to get into an exclusive club of some sort. This could be any club related to what you do or wish to do. Exclusive clubs exist sometimes out of too much demand for minimal supply, or out of a hope of creating perceived demand. Either way, they have limits on who can enter. If you apply to join one, you could hear one of a few things said to you. Being accepted is one possibility(which is why you should always try for what you want). Another possibility is that they will tell you that you’ve been turned down. This feels bad for a few minutes, or a bit longer, but you will soon adjust to this feedback. It is different information to then respond to.

Then, there is the terrible third possibility that you will either not get a response, or get back something like a “maybe” or “we’ll get back to you”, which leaves you in a state of confusion. It doesn’t tell you much about if you were qualified to enter, or if you weren’t, and you then have to decide whether to ask more questions or not.

How you respond is the key

To deal with this in a smart way, you want to not allow yourself to get frustrated, which is an important aspect of personal development. You have an opportunity to handle it a few ways. You can let the person know that they are not being direct enough to your liking. This puts you in a dominant position. Another great way to respond is to pretend they rejected you. If they wanted you to join, they would have announced it proudly, but since this did not occur, they lose out on your presence. As you can see, even with rejection, or “partial rejection”, you come out ahead based on how you respond. The cards are always in your hands.

People rejected me many times, in many different ways, and so I have built up resilience to most potential responses. I view this as a big advantage of mine. We often see this as a weakness when it occurs, but we should not see rejection this way. It’s pretty nice to for those us who understand this, because those who think we’re worse off due to rejections are later even more surprised at the strength and experience we possess.

Let me add that I’m not saying to try to get rejected as many times as possible in a day, but if it does occur, it doesn’t mean to make a U-turn and drive the other way. The person who rejected you is a person as well, and they will certainly take notice of the composure and tact you use in your response.

Filed Under: People Skills Tagged With: ability, crucial, handle, hearing, no, smoothly 12 Comments

Eduard January 19, 2010

Being Mysterious Is Overrated

When I was in high school, some people used to say about me that I was mysterious. I kind of liked it. This was the result of me keeping mostly to myself, talking about facts and stuff I read but not talking a lot about myself, not expressing my feelings or my beliefs, especially if they differed from those of other people present.

I was also… shy. Over time, I realized that being mysterious was just the flip side of being shy. And since the negative effects vastly outgrew the appeal of my mystery, I decided to shed it altogether. As part of improving my people skills. Now, looking at the trait of being mysterious in general, I see its benefits as vastly overrated.

For a lot of people, a mysterious person has a sort of charm and it gets them interested. There are some psychological phenomena at work here which fascinate me. Firstly, humans are naturally very curious creatures, interested in the unknown. We are drawn to mystery and we seek to solve it. Secondly, mystery often makes our part if the brain which creates fantasies go wild. We start to imagine all sorts of things about a mysterious person and what she has to hide.

All fine and dandy so far. There is only one problem: the appeal of being mysterious doesn’t last. And this happens for one of two reasons:

Either we solve the mystery, we discover the real person, and then the source of the appeal is gone;
Or we don’t solve the mystery, but we quickly get used to it and it becomes boring, uninteresting.

Whichever road you take, the result is pretty much the same. Being mysterious ends up in being a blur. This does not mean you should start pouring your heart out in the first 30 seconds of every interaction with a new person. That can be traumatizing. And it doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea to keep some parts of you and your life private, at least to some people.

What it does mean is to not be mysterious as a person, as a whole. It means to be more open and expressive than mysterious. I means being (do I dare to say it?)… authentic.

One interesting thing I discovered is that the correlation between mystery and shyness is very common. Most people who are very mysterious are actually shy. They don’t think they’re good enough to put themselves out there, they think they have bad people skills and they’re afraid of being rejected.

On the other hand, a confident person, who is comfortable in her own skin and trusts her people skills, will usually be very expressive in social interactions. This person will talk about her experiences, her life, her belief and her feelings. Good or bad, conventional or unconventional. Self-expression is a natural thing for human beings. But a lot of us have learned to fight it.

When instead of being mysterious, you are expressive, what you create is not a short lasting appeal and interest in you. What you create is lasting appeal, based on your confidence, and a deeper, more intimate connection with other people. This is what I think we need more of in this world. Not being mysterious, like in a romance novel.

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills Tagged With: being, mysterious, overrated 9 Comments

Eduard December 29, 2009

Smile! Real, Fake, People Can’t Really Tell

As a communication coach, to smile is one piece of advice for improving people skills I can never give enough of. At the same time, once in a while, some people express concerns about it not being real and appearing fake. Although I’m a big believer in authenticity, I think when it comes to smiling, real or fake, the advice is still fundamentally solid.

Here’s one reason why. Let’s start with a test I bet you’ll find interesting. It’s a “spot the fake smile” test and it’s based on the research of psychologist Paul Ekman, a pioneer in the study of emotions and facial expressions. You can find it here, on the BBC website. Don’t just keep on reading; take the test.

. . . . .

OK. Did you take the test? How many of the 20 smiles did you identify correctly as being real or fake? The first time I took the test, I got 13 out of 20, which is just a bit more than if I would have picked the answers randomly.

The good news (for me) is that I’m no exception. Most people get similar scores at spotting the fake smile. According to psychologists who researched this area, people in general are pretty bad at spotting a fake smile from a real one. You’ll find out more details about this at the end of the test.

Smiling typically reflects friendliness and a positive state; it’s a great way for social bonding. There are particular ways you can go wrong with smiling and come off as weird, but you can learn about them and calibrate yourself at the context to improve your people skills. The general rule remains: real, fake, smile damn it!

Filed Under: People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: fake, people, real, really, smile, tell 23 Comments

Eduard November 27, 2009

Learn How to Have a Sense of Humor from James Bond

I’m a big fan of James Bond movies, especially the ones with Sean Connery. One thing I like about them is the witty, confident James Bond humor. Being a very analytical person, I’ve been studying it and trying to decode it.

The good news is there are patterns to the James Bond sense of humor, which you can discover and practice. In other words, you can learn how to have a sense of humor like 007. Here’s one piece of James Bond humor, in the movie Thunderball (1965):

What makes his line in this scene witty and funny? Well, the humor is created by a subtle yet powerful verbal technique: using a common expression with an uncommon meaning. When James Bond says “She’s just dead”, he’s actually using this expression with its literal meaning, not its figurative one that a person would expect. And you, the viewer, know it. That’s funny!

Take this technique to create humor and try it various situations, as part of your people skills development. You may find out it’s a great way for you to enhance your sense of humor.

Filed Under: Lifestyle, People Skills Tagged With: bond, humor, james, learn, sense 11 Comments

Eduard November 13, 2009

Q: How Do I Look? A: Like Everybody Else

As part of my people skills development and my communication coaching, I’ve also been looking a lot at personal appearance and business etiquette. There seem to be volumes of etiquette rules about the way you should dress, accessorize and look, in the business environment and beyond it.

For example, the following are 3 such rules I’ve heard or read over the last few days:

The only acceptable colors for men’s business suit are black, navy blue and gray;
Grey is the best color for a man’s business suit, as it is neutral and conventional;
Men should always wear a suit with a tie when meeting a client.

All I can say is: there are a lot of stuck up people out there! Some try to sell us the idea that respecting every minor etiquette rule about appearance is the way to project professionalism and make a great impression, while disregarding any of them is nothing short of a tragedy. I disagree, and I have the arguments to back it up.

You’re not fooling anyone. Sure, people still associate a well put together look with competence and professionalism. I’m not saying you should meet your clients wearing the free t-shirt from the last beer festival. But following every small etiquette rule about your appearance is taking it too far and can easily turn against you.

Why? Because people have started to get suspicious of persons with the 100% correct look. They realize it can be used as a manipulative trick, it can be planned to create a certain first impression which often has nothing to do with what’s beyond the surface.

Personally, every time I see a sales representative with the by the book sales person look (black suit, white shirt, red tie, big grim on his face), the first thought that comes into my mind is: “Watch out! He’s out to trick you out of your money!” The 100% correct look does not communicate authenticity and it’s simply not trustworthy. This leads me to me second point…

Expressiveness is the new wave in people skills. There is a new buzz word out there and it’s called “personal branding” (OK, actually 2 words). According to personal branding, in order to promote yourself and your services with great results, you need to identify what makes you unique and is relevant for the customer, then express it consistently in any context, through any communication channel. This includes your appearance.

Effective personal branding can only happen if you allow parts of your personality to shine and to reflect in your look. This means breaking some etiquette rules, dressing and accessorizing in a way that makes you stand out of the crowd, developing a personal style. And in the XXI century business world, this is becoming more and more important.

Stiff business etiquette about appearance is loosing ground. The fact of the matter is the way people dress in the business word has been changing quite a lot in the past decade. I’m no fashion expert but I think it’s gonna keep doing so for the next one. You can be a pioneer of this change and make an authentic look part of your people skills development, or… not.

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills Tagged With: else, everybody, look 19 Comments

Eduard October 27, 2009

Sometimes Forgiveness Isn’t the Answer

This guy I know, he has a habit of making fun of other people he knows in various social contexts (parties, discussions, meetings etc.). My theory is he does this mostly to attract attention and show off. A while later, he will be talking to the person he made brutal fun of and saying: “I hope you didn’t take my jokes seriously. I was just having some fun. I’m sorry if they affected you!”

This is his way of asking for forgiveness, which almost always works. I know that forgiveness is seen across the globe as a virtue, but I think there are cases in which it’s a weakness people can use to manipulate you. This is one of those cases.

Forgiveness is a complicated and slippery word. Its exact meaning is hard to pin down. What does a person mean exactly when she is asking forgiveness? Is it just an emotional thing? The way I see it, she is actually asking for 3 things, the last 2 things being a bit more subtle. She is asking that:

You don’t feel bad or angry at her for what she did;
You don’t form a negative perception about her for what she did;
You don’t change your behavior towards her in a negative way.

The first part, I think it’s a good idea. Whenever someone does something towards you that you don’t like, get over it emotionally as fast as possible. Not for that person, but for you. The other two, well, that’s where I have a problem with forgiveness.

When the guy I was talking about asks for forgiveness, he is actually saying “Don’t’ feel bad”, but he is also saying “Don’t think of me as a mean person” and “Don’t stop being my friend or helping me, just because I made fun of you repeatedly”. Doesn’t it sound like an arrogant, selfish and absurd request when you put it this way?

People fall into this trap every day. Because we are taught that if a person is really sorry for something she did, she apologizes and seems to be hurting, then we owe her as decent human beings to forgive her (according to the definition of forgiveness presented above).

We don’t. Talking in terms of equity, it is natural and effective to change your perception about a person’s character depending on her consistent behavior patterns, as well as your own behavior towards her. It’s how things go with mature, responsible people.

Asking forgiveness is often just a way for a person to not assume true responsibility for her behavior and its consequences.

My advice: whenever a person repeatedly asks forgiveness from you for a repeated behavior, give her just the first part of forgiveness. And tell her that. Let her know that you got over they way she acted, but it does influence your perception of her and your behavior towards her. And if she doesn’t like that, let her give some forgiveness.

Filed Under: People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: answer, forgiveness, sometimes 15 Comments