August 4, 2010

Top 10 Lessons Learned From Coaching 100 People

I have recently reached the number of 100 coaching clients, which I have worked with individually in just under 4 years. It’s been an awesome learning and development experience, not only for my clients but also for myself. I feel like one big chapter in my career has closed and another one is opening.

Like the end of any big chapter, it’s a moment for celebration as well as reflection for me. Looking back at these communication coaching experiences, there are 10 essential lessons I draw, which I want to share with you. The first part of the lessons is about the coaching process in itself, the second part is about people skills and how to improve them.

1. If you want hardcore results, go for coaching

You can read book and articles, you can go to trainings and seminars, but if you want to see the fastest, most powerful self-improvement, often in unexpected ways, choose coaching. The fact that it’s a 100% customized experience and all the focus is on you, provided that you work with a good coach, makes coaching one hell of a learning experience. I have rarely seen people improve and have such breakthroughs as they did in the coaching process.

2. Revealing blind spots is the key benefit of coaching

If there is one positive effect you can get in coaching better than through any other self-improvement process, it’s seeing your blind spots: revealing ways of thinking or behaving you had no idea that you had, or realizing their real impact. Often in working one-on-one with a person, the moment when she sees one huge blind spot she had is very meaningful and emotionally charged. It is an opportunity to make big decisions and create great change.

3. If you don’t follow-through, you are making a huge waste

One of the fundamental roles of coaching is to help you discover things which set the foundation for solid and effective future improvement. This is why strong follow-through is very important. If you don’t apply what you discovered through the coaching process and you don’t practicing between and after the coaching sessions, the results you’ll get will be considerably lower and less impressive. It’s like buying a Ferrari and only driving it at 50 mph.

4. Specialization is power

I don’t do coaching on anything. My niche is helping people put their best foot forward in communication and improve people skills; my approach is based on developing underlying attitudes just at much if not more than actual skills. This specialization helped me grow very fast as a coach and learn how to create the best result for my clients. After working with 100 clients, I feel that I am a true professional in communication coaching, and I have the real-world results to back it up.

5. Honesty is money

I once told a friend that one of the reasons a person or company is paying you in coaching is the fact you are willing to tell and show someone things others are not. For example, to the intimidating manager with poor listening skills that nobody is willing to give some honest feedback about. I am now even more convinced that honest feedback is one of the most valuable things you can provide as a coach. I think it’s a pity that such a scarcity of honest feedback exists, but that’s where a big coaching opportunity lies.

6. Communication skills are the thing to invest in

Sometimes I am asked why I chose to help others improve their communication skills instead of improving something else. It is because I believe that cutting edge communication skills are the thing worth having and worth developing. The right people skills in general and the right communication skills in particular can skyrocket your career, your relationships and your life. Everyday, I see the huge difference having and sharpening them makes.

7. The big difference comes from working on attitudes

You can’t really have awesome communication and people skills without the right attitudinal foundation. This is something which I think applies for many other soft skills as well. At the end of the day, your attitude will make or break your aptitude. This is why I put a lot of emphasis on attitude transformation and I work with many of my clients on changing beliefs, thinking patterns and emotional reactions. Often, it’s all downhill from there.

8. It’s about creating a unique social style which matches your strengths

I don’t believe there is one exact style of interacting socially which works best. I think there are multiple styles, with common patterns between them. This is why I don’t teach exact formulas for communication and social interactions, but rather principle and guidelines. The thing is to find a social style for yourself which capitalizes on your strengths instead of ignoring them or opposing them, and to develop that style.

9. A huge part of the improvement is expressing yourself

Most of us don’t really express ourselves authentically, outside of very specific contexts. We have learned to play games, to put on facades as a way to try and get the approval of others. This rarely works and it does a lot more harm than good in the long term. What we really need to learn more of is how to put our real selves out there, more and better: our needs, our dreams, our ideas, beliefs and feelings.

10. We need to teach people skills methodically from the age of 5

Well, we don’t really need to; we would definitely benefit tremendously from it however. Many of the problems our society has are the result of people not knowing how to relate to other people effectively. Even some of the problems which seem caused by poverty, corruption or crime at a first glance are often generated and maintained at a deeper level by people having bad skills with people.

For me, coaching others to improve their communication and people skills, combined with tuning my own skills is a very fulfilling process. One I will definitely keep at for many years to come. The journey continues…

Image courtesy of Voj

Filed Under: Communication Skills, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , 28 Comments
July 30, 2010

Improve People Skills Fast Through Immersion

I’m not generally a big fan of quick fixes and claims of fast improvement, for people skills or any other soft skill. I believe that most of them ignore the natural level of practice and repetition learning requires and they usually over-promise. However, I think there is one smart, effective way to get relatively quick results in developing skills.

Last week, I had a 6-day public speaking training with a very cool group of young participants. The kind of people who definitely had some smart things to say, but hadn’t actually learned how to articulate them with impact in front of an audience. Just the kind of participants I like to work with.

The 6 days of training were an intense learning experience. The participants did speeches almost every day, got and gave feedback, learned public speaking principles and techniques, did exercises and case studies. They got back home each day to research and prepare speeches for the next day, they talked with their friends about public speaking, and they probably dreamed public speaking in their sleep.

By the last day of the training, when they delivered their final celebration speeches, all the participants had made huge leaps in their public speaking skills. They had improved one subset of people skills in 6 days more than most people do in a 1 year.

How did this happen? What we have at work here is what I see as the only effective way to improve people skills or any soft skill fast: experiences of immersion.

Experiences of immersion mean that for a period of a couple of days up to a couple of weeks, you are in a totally different head space. In this period you focus almost constantly on a certain skill and doing the activities which develop it. You eat breath and sleep those activities, you constantly push yourself out of your comfort zone and by the time the period is over, something has visibly changed inside you.

Most self-improvement is done is small, gradual steps. You practice something 30 minutes each day for 6 months and then you see some real progress. With immersion, you practice almost non-stop for 3-5-15 days. There is pretty much nothing for you but that practice in those days. It’s intense learning with intense results.

Before you get too exited and jump into some 1-week bootcamp, I think a small warning is in order: not all skills and not all soft skills develop well though immersion. People skills tend to do so, but on the long run it usually requires a mix between periods of immersion and longer periods of small, daily practice to improve your skills with people in the best way.

This being said, I do encourage you to seek out and get into immersion experiences to improve people skills. Here are some important tips on how to make these experiences happen and make the most out of them:

  1. Save some money. Powerful immersion experiences often involve a training, bootcamp, workshop or adventure of some sort, which will cost you some money. So if you’re interested in one, make sure you put some money aside before you try to get into such an experience.
  2. Take a vacation. Most of us have work, school or families which require us to be there almost on a daily basis. So if you wanna have an immersion experience which will require at least a couple of days, you will probably need to plan and take a small vacation for it. Trust me: it will be one hell of a vacation!
  3. Choose the right people skills. Immersion experiences can be financially, physically and psychologically draining. You can’t afford to do them very often. So when you do, make sure you pick the ones which will improve people skills you find the most relevant: public speaking, conversational skills, confident communication etc.
  4. Don’t loose the momentum. If after an immersion experience you stop practicing, your newly improved skills will usually regress, often at a rapid pace. So keep practicing on a daily basis to reinforce the learning. That initial practice right after the experience is the most valuable one.

In the rushed society we live in, with some many things to do, immersion experiences are a rare thing. And I think this is a pity, since we all want fast growth and this is the only effective way to improve people skills and many others fast. Set the things in place for an immersion, do it, keep the wheels spinning, and you will improve your people skills in a breath taking way.

Image courtesy of Powerhouse Museum

Filed Under: People Skills, Personal Development, Psychology Tagged With: , , , , , 13 Comments
July 26, 2010

Why Family Pressure Is Heavy Pressure and How to Lighten the Load

Even the people I know with really good people skills are often little babies when it comes to handling family pressure on them to think, feel or act in certain ways. They may be able to easily refuse a colleague’s invitation to go bowling, but when mom asks them to visit for dinner, they just can’t say no.

The fact that our families have more influence on us than most other people is not all bad of course, considering they do play a big role in our lives. But this is the first layer. Beyond it, there is a huge ability of many close family members to pressure us into doing things we don’t really want to do and we don’t regard as good for us.

I have seen people get in and out of jobs, colleges, marriages and cities in order to please their families. Close family members often have this way of pushing our emotional buttons and making us comply with them even when it would be saner to nail our heads to the wall.

First of all, it’s important for us to understand why. Looking at this phenomenon in terms of people skills and attitudes, I conclude that there are 2 major factors at play.

  1. Family members know what buttons to push. Having usually spent a lot of time interacting with us, they understand our needs, our vulnerabilities and our emotional buttons. And consciously or not, they use this knowledge to pick the right channels in order to make us conform to their desires, even if those channels involve emotional manipulation and putting pressure on us.
  2. We give family members a lot of meaning. We generally perceive disappointing a family member as something very bad, which will affect us greatly. And because of this, so it does: at an emotional level. We add so much meaning to what our parents, brothers, wives or husbands think and feel about us, that we can’t tolerate emotionally not to please them. 

You can’t really influence the first factor. It’s natural for close family members to know which buttons to push, and it’s pretty much impossible to get them to not use this knowledge in a manipulative way if they do. What you can control is the second factor.

Putting things back into proportions. Talking in practical consequences, it is relevant for us to please our family. It’s not very fun to live with a parent or a wife who thinks you’re an idiot because you got on the wrong career path and who treats you like one.

But at the same time, we blow things out of proportions in this area. A lot of the practical negative consequences of not pleasing our families our simply dramatized in our heads. We delude ourselves into believing it’s intolerable to not make your parent proud, your family happy, when it’s mostly water under the bridge.

We set ourselves up to fail by thinking that the approval family members can give us is a must now, just as it seemed when we were 6. However, we are not 6 anymore, and our options have improved significantly. We have options to distance ourselves from family members who don’t appreciate us and to not tolerate rude treatment from anyone. This is a big part of what having good people skills is all about.

Once you realize the kind of power you really have and the kind of obligations you don’t, things naturally get put into their real proportions. Families become relevant but not essential, family pressure is something you no longer feel, and you are emotionally free to follow your own way in life.

Image courtesy of woodleywonderworks

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: , , , , 8 Comments
July 21, 2010

Learning Resources to Improve People Skills

I’m on a guest post writing spree this month; getting my ideas out there, spreading the word on how to improve people skills. I want to recommend you a couple of articles related to people skills which I wrote and have been published on other blogs in the past few days.

On Sources of Insight: Top 10 lessons in improving communication.

On Rat Race Trap: Why honesty will save your day.

On The Life Thing: How to be wise by the time you’re 30.

On A Different Kind of Work: Getting ahead by not being a cliché.

While you’re on these blogs, I suggest that you also check out the other stuff they have there. I’m sure you’ll find lots of value for your personal development and for improving your skills with people.

Be cool!

Image courtesy of fofurasfelinas

Filed Under: People Skills, Personal Development Tagged With: , , , 8 Comments
July 1, 2010

How Often Should You Check Your Email?

Depending on how you use it, email communication can be a way to interact effectively with people and make your work more efficient, or a major source for decreased productivity, stress and an early ulcer. Unfortunately, for many, it’s the latter.

As a communication coach, I am often asked be people looking to improve their business communication skills: “How many times should I check my work email each day?” Then they look at me with astonishment as I reply that twice every day is usually the optimum in my perspective.

The optimum email checking. First of all, I want to detail this answer:

  • If you have a job which requires a lot of email communication, but also a lot of other activities, checking your email twice each day is optimal.
  • If you have one of those jobs which require just a little email communication, once every day is enough.
  • If you have a job in which all/ the vast majority of your activity is reading and answering emails, checking your email 4-5 times every day may be optimal.

Most white collar workers are in this first category and checking their email twice every day is enough for them. Based on what their job is, very few workers actually need to check it 4-5 times every day.

Productivity down the drain. Despite of this, a lot of people tend to check their email constantly throughout the work day. They either open their Inbox every 30-60 minutes, or they open it every time they get a new email alert on their computer screen.

I cannot emphasize enough how unproductive this is. Checking your email this often means that you constantly interrupt various tasks. You defocus and refocus many times throughout the day, which is very hard and mentally exhausting. Then you get home and start complaining: “Man, my work is stressful! That company is working me like a mule!”

Email terrorism. Many people say they check their email so often because they are expected to give fast answers to the emails they receive. There is pressure on them from internal and external clients for expedient email communication.

But you see, that’s the problem! Email communication, through its nature, is not a fast communication method. Email is text-based, asynchronous, preplanned communication, and it’s supposed to take some time. The vast majority of expectations for fast email communication are unreasonable and the best thing you can do is to not put up with them.

Sure, you might think something terrible will happen if you do this. Trust me: I have seen plenty of people do it and they didn’t get fired, nothing really bad happened, while their skills to get things done and their productivity increased visibly.

My job involves a lot of email communication. But it also involves coaching, meetings, and writing articles on people skills, tasks which would constantly get interrupted if I would check my email 4-5 times every day. I used to do that at one point. Now, I only check it twice: once in the first part of the day, once in the second. And it’s great!

The phone alternative. If some people expect rapid reactions from you, guess what? That’s what phone communication is for. They can call you on the phone when they need a fast answer from you.

Make sure the people you interact with in your professional life understand your email and phone policies, that you only check your email twice every day, that you use your phone for emergencies, and you will see both some effective work and effective communication happening.

Filed Under: Career, People Skills Tagged With: , , , 21 Comments
June 27, 2010

How Confident People Talk

I’m listening to the audio version of Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. So far, it’s a fascinating book and I have an intuition it only gets better. One thing I like about the characters in Ayn Rand’s novels is how they are constructed in epic proportions. Some of them are pure models of confidence, dedication and rational living.

Here is one piece of dialog in the book I wanted to share. It’s a part of the first discussion between Hank Rearden and Francisco d’Anconia. And I think it’s a great example of how two very confident people talk (especially follow Francisco d’Anconia).

He stood there for a while, leaning on a sense of privacy as if it were a physical support.

“Mr. Rearden,” said a strangely quiet voice beside him, “permit me to introduce myself. My name is d’Anconia.”

Rearden turned, startled; d’Anconia’s manner and voice had a quality he had seldom encountered before: a tone of authentic respect.

“How do you do,” he answered. His voice was brusque and dry; but he had answered.

“I have observed that Mrs. Rearden has been trying to avoid the necessity of presenting me to you, and I can guess the reason. Would you prefer that I leave your house?”

The action of naming an issue instead of evading it, was so unlike the usual behavior of all the men he knew, it was such a sudden, startling relief, that Rearden remained silent for a moment, studying d’Anconia’s face. Francisco had said it very simply, neither as a reproach nor a plea, but in a manner which, strangely, acknowledged Rearden’s dignity and his own.

“No,” said Rearden, “whatever else you guessed, I did not say that.”

“Thank you. In that case, you will allow me to speak to you.”

“Why should you wish to speak to me?”

“My motives cannot interest you at present.”

“Mine is not the sort of conversation that could interest you at all.”

“You are mistaken about one of us, Mr. Rearden, or both. I came to this party solely in order to meet you.”

There had been a faint tone of amusement in Rearden’s voice; now it hardened into a hint of contempt. “You started by playing it straight. Stick to it.”

“I am.”

“What did you want to meet me for? In order to make me lose money?”

Francisco looked straight at him. “Yes – eventually.”

“What is it, this time? A gold mine?”

Francisco shook his head slowly; the conscious deliberation of the movement gave it an air that was almost sadness. “No,” he said, “I don’t want to sell you anything. As a matter of fact, I did not attempt to sell the copper mine to James Taggart, either. He came to me for it. You won’t.”

Rearden chuckled. “If you understand that much, we have at least a sensible basis for conversation. Proceed on that. If you don’t have some fancy investment in mind, what did you want to meet me for?”

“In order to become acquainted with you,”

“That’s not an answer. It’s just another way of saying the same thing.”

“Not quite, Mr. Rearden.”

“Unless you mean – in order to gain my confidence?”

“No. I don’t like people who speak or think in terms of gaining anybody’s confidence. If one’s actions are honest, one does not need the predated confidence of others, only their rational perception. The person who craves a moral blank check of that kind, has dishonest intentions, whether he admits it to himself or not.”

How many people do you know with the skills and confidence to talk like that in real life? I certainly wish I would see more.

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , , , 10 Comments
June 15, 2010

Why Being Yourself Is Hard and How to Actually Achieve It

‘Be yourself’ has got to be one of the most popular and attractive pieces of advice for people skills development these days. I think I read it or hear it almost every day. It’s one of those things people say instantly when they want to help you embrace your flaws, be more comfortable and more expressive socially.

I believe that actually learning to be authentic is a pretty complex process. In my experience, giving a person advice like ‘be yourself’ will usually do nothing (and I mean nothing) to actually help that person achieve this. It’s a piece of advice in the same category with ‘be confident’ or ‘be positive’, which are just as ineffective.

Why? Because none of these things are something you just do. Most people would really love to just be themselves. But they simply can’t do it like that.

In order to master being yourself, you need to dig dipper, and understand the attitudes and beliefs which allow you to be yourself. Then, you need to work on developing them. As you develop these attitudes and beliefs, you will naturally end up being more authentic. But your focus is not on authenticity most of the time; it’s on building this foundation for it.

In the last years, helping people learn to be more authentic has been one of the most meaningful parts of my work. I firmly believe that being yourself is one of the most powerful people skills to have.

But I don’t teach this by telling my clients: ‘Just be yourself man! What the hell is wrong with you?!’ I help them work on this foundation I’m talking about. What is this foundation? When it comes to being authentic, I think there are some key attitudes one must learn:

  • That it’s OK to be imperfect, to have flaws and make mistakes;
  • That people generally won’t think you’re an idiot and reject you for them;
  • That even if some people do, it really doesn’t matter.

These attitudes are solid gold from my perspective. Once you manage to drill them deep into your habitual ways of thinking, being yourself becomes easy. You can no longer imagine yourself not being yourself, and it seems so silly to be otherwise.

Of course, if you’re not used to thinking and feeling in a way which is aligned with the key attitudes above, it will take some time and practice to master them. Adopting these beliefs and making them a natural part of you can take anywhere from 3 months to 3 years, depending where you are right now.

And this provided you actually use the right personal development tools. Considering that a lot of people use the ineffective ones, and even more don’t go beyond just trying to be themselves directly, what we’ve got in today’s world is a large population striving for authenticity and not getting there.

The good news is that the more people will learn to address people skills like being authentic by going beyond the surface, and the more they will use scientific, well grounded in reality tools for transformation, we will see great things happening.

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , , , , 28 Comments
June 9, 2010

How to Give the Really Negative Feedback to the People Who Really Can’t Take It

One thing I find interesting about the people who have the biggest flaws is that very often they’re also the ones who have the hardest time seeing them and accepting them. If a person is a real pain in the ass, she probably sees herself as a really cool person, with awesome people skills, who everybody loves.

This is the result of a combination of things:

  • A big ego;
  • An even bigger lack of self-awareness;
  • The facts that let’s face it, it’s hard to accept that you have some major flaws.

As a result, giving feedback to these people about their flaws (meaning really negative feedback) will usually leave you wondering what did you open your damned mouth in the first place. I am proud to have a pretty good success rate in giving really negative feedback to the people who really can’t take it, and getting through to them (and by ‘pretty good’ I mean about 50%).

Here are some of the ideas which create the best results specifically with these kinds of people, when you give them really negative feedback:

1. Catch them when they’re questioning themselves. Even the most arrogant and blind person has moments when she’s wondering if it’s possible that she did something wrong, that it’s her fault. When the manager with terrible people skills will lose his 5th employee that month, chances are that at least for a couple of minutes, he’s questioning his people skills as a manager. It’s the best opportunity to deliver the negative feedback.

2. Earn their trust. When a person knows that you mean to help her and that your judgment is sound, even if she usually can’t take negative feedback, she will become a lot more open to yours. I sometimes give pretty brutal feedback in my coaching to people who otherwise don’t take it well. And because I have earned their trust as a coach, they take my feedback well. Find your own ways to earn their trust, and use them.

3. Give it in thin slices. Don’t use one opportunity to tell a person like this about all her flaws, which could be quite a few. It works with some, but more often than not, it just seems like you’re set on butchering her and this is why her defenses will go up. My recommendation is that you point out one flaw in one feedback.

4. Back it up with hard evidence. It will be tough to convince a person like this of a certain flow. When you point it out, she will just deny it. This is the moment when you need to present real, powerful examples of that certain flaw. For example, when you say to this person that she often breaks her promises, she will say: “No I don’t. I never break my promises”. It is at this point that you pull out the big list of real situations when she did break her promises and start reading it. Kidding about the list by the way; you should have them in your head, otherwise is seems like a trial.

5. Whatever you do, do not loose your temper. With this person, it is very likely that as you give her the negative feedback, she will loose her temper and get verbally aggressive on you. In my perspective, if you do the same, it’s game over. Your chances of getting your feedback accepted have gone down to zero. This is why it’s essential to keep you calm, or at least to be able to fake it.

Don’t expect to make every person accept any feedback. No amount of people skills will allow you to do that. But, do expect to be able to break even the toughest shell, at least once in a while. And give it a try before saying no.

Filed Under: Career, People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: , , , , , , 12 Comments
June 4, 2010

Are You a Pain-In-The-Ass Person?

She calls me again. A business acquaintance of mine, who wants to partner up with me for this training, learning, changing the world project she has in mind. And again I say: “Thanks, but no thanks”.

The project is not the problem. It seems like a good idea. The person is the problem. I know from one too many previous experiences that working with her, interacting with her, is a burden. She is what I call a pain in the ass person.

You know the type: the manager whose employees quit constantly, the businessman nobody wants to work with, the friend nobody wants to hang out with. Even though this person might have good professional skills, because of bad character and even worse people skills, she manages to make everybody want to stay away from her. And of course, like most people in this category, she has no clue why this is happening and thinks people are just mean, evil creatures.

Unfortunately, pain in the ass people are very common. Over the years, I have worked with these kinds of people, helping them improve their people skills and attitudes. Are you a pain in the ass person?

I believe that the most important steps in not being a pain in the ass person are to accept that you might be one, at least to a certain degree, to understand the key traits this person has and to look for them at your own person. Here are some of the essential traits from my perspective:

1. Compulsive lying. Pain in the ass people will constantly tell you what they believe you want to here, without really thinking whether it’s the truth or not. They will make stuff up and lie constantly. Even when you catch them, they will apologize and promise not to do it again, than they’ll do it 10 minutes later. This makes it very hard to trust them. Speaking of promises…

2. Not keeping their promises. Pain in the ass people will promise big things all the time, but they will not even manage to keep their small promises. They will promise to send you an email tomorrow, and they will do it in 3 days. They will promise you an 800$ fee, and after you finish your job they’ll tell you they can only give you 400$.

 

3. Lack of fairness. Pain in the ass people will often want you to do most of the work, while they get most of the money and the appreciation. They bring little value to the table but they want to get as much value as possible. And when you ask for your fair share, they won’t think twice about calling you selfish, but they will fail to see their selfishness, especially when it’s even visible to a blind man.

4. Bad listening skills. Pain in the ass people will generally have bad communication skills, but their listening skills are usually the worse. They don’t really listen when you talk; they just phase out and think about their stuff. Then, when they have a thought they want to express, they will just interrupt you brutally and say it. This is how a hypothetical dialog with these people takes place.

5. Opposition to any idea different than their own. Pain in the ass people will reject your ideas simply because they are different from theirs. Their big egos cannot tolerate the thought that they are wrong or that someone else has a better idea. They will often try to bring arguments to support their side but in the end, even if they lose the debate on logic and arguments, they will simply ignore this and just say: “No, you’re wrong. We’ll do it my way.”

If you identify any of these traits at yourself, I strongly suggest you work on your people skills and eliminate them. These traits sabotage your relationships and performances like crazy. If you’re working or interacting with a person with these traits, I have 6 words for you: Get the hell out of there!

Filed Under: Career, People Skills Tagged With: , , 36 Comments