How to Ask For a Raise at Work

I get a lot of questions on how to ask for a raise at work. This, I believe, is a good thing. People want the people skills and tools to make the best of life in general, and getting more money for their work is one particular manifestation of this.

There is plenty to be said on using people skills to get a raise at work. I almost did a whole day training once on how to ask for a raise at work. However, at this point, four important points come to mind as the key people skills tools to apply when asking for a raise. Here they are:

1. Schedule a special discussion just for this

You don’t want to just drop a hint that you would like to make more money while chitchatting with your manager in the elevator. Subtle hints like that are easy to ignore by an employer, especially those hints that suggest taking more money out of their pocket.

Instead, what you want to do is tell your manager you want to schedule a 30 min. private meeting with them, for an “important discussion” (yeas, the discussion can take that long). Preferably, don’t go into all the details of the discussion right then. Focus on scheduling it and leave the rest for the actual moment when it takes place.

2. Back up your request with solid arguments

The way I see it, a good request for a raise starts like this:

  • You thank your manager for the time they’re giving you;
  • You tell them the discussion concerns a potential salary raise;
  • You present the arguments for a raise;
  • You state the exact raise you want.

From there, a negotiation will frequently take place.

The most important step in this first phase is the third one: presenting the arguments. You want to back up your raise request with solid facts. You want to prove that your value for this organization has increased, present real results and indicators of performance. Your value for the organization is in my view, the only real justification for a raise.

3. Ask for more than you think you deserve

Once you decide how big you want your raise to be, set a slightly higher raise that you will ask for. I know that you may have the opposite impulse, to sell yourself short, but it is important to push yourself and ask for more, not less.

I say this is important for two reasons. The first reason is that you may get more than you actually deserve simply because you’ve asked for it and done so in a way demonstrating confidence and good people skills. The second reason is that it leaves significant room for negotiation.

4. Don’t let excuses get in the way of your raise

Many employees will present objections for a raise which have nothing to do with fairness and equity, but with more emotional factors. I call this making excuses. Practice distinguishing excuses from solid objections and do not let excuses make you abandon a raise request.

For example, many employees will bring this excuse: “If we give you a raise, your colleagues who will have lower salaries will want one as well”. The fact is, this is not your concern. If you deserve a raise, you should get one no matter how your colleagues will react.

Ultimately, I see getting salary raises as a natural part of work and a result of increasing the value you provide. It’s best not only to know how to ask for a raise, but also to realize you are entitled to it.

I have seen many times as a communication coach how with good people skills and a big dose of confidence, you can create incredible salary increases for yourself.

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Email Etiquette at Work

Email is a form of business communication significantly different than any other form invented before. It’s not as fast as phone communication but it’s not as laborious as fax, it has a unique combination of communication features.

For this reason, we sometimes find it hard to discover and use the right email etiquette at work. I believe this is a highly relevant people skills topic particularly because we are becoming more reliant on email in the workplace. Thus, good email etiquette at work significantly improves our overall results.

With this is mind, here are 9 essential rules of email etiquette at work which I encourage you to put into practice.

1. Reply in a timely manner. My basic rule about email reply speed is the following: reply to any email in less than 48 hours and ideally, in less than 24 hours (weekends do not count). This kind of email expediency will be greatly appreciated by colleagues, clients and collaborators.

2. Use an auto-responder. When you’re away from the office for more than 2 days, with the exception of weekends, set an auto-responder to automatically reply to all emails, letting people know you are away and you have limited or no access to email (if this is the case). Also, leave them your phone number or the email of another colleague for emergencies.

3. Only add people in Cc if necessary. Just because someone added another person in the Cc field when sending you an email doesn’t mean you have to keep including that person in the discussion. Before putting a person’s email in Cc, ask yourself if that person really needs to get that email.

4. Do not ask confirmations for every email. There is this function which requests an email receiver to send a receipt that confirms they’ve read the email. Do use it with very important email you send, to make sure it has been read, but do not use it with all your email. It’s pointless and it will quickly annoy people.

5. Do not spam people. I do not want to receive on my work email address jokes, requests for donations, motivational stories, satirical Power Points or other such crap. Unless I want to avoid working, such emails are only clogging my Inbox. I don’t care about those things at work! Keep them for my private email address.

6. Put your name in the signature. This may seem obvious. However, you would be surprised how many emails I receive from addresses type “office@…” and no one has signed the email. So initially, I have no idea who I’m talking with and I get the feeling I’m talking with a machine rather than a real person.

7. Spell check your email. You don’t have to be a perfectionist about this; after all it’s just an email, not a resume. However, after you write an email, do read it once head to bottom before clicking the Send Button.

8. Keep it focused on business. Work emails are not for office gossip or sharing your entire life story with others. It’s OK to communicate in a human, authentic way using email at work, it’s not OK to fill an email with useless details which make the relevant business information hard to find.

9. End emails in a friendly way. Do use ending formulas such as “Best wishes” or “Have a great day”. Even if you use the same formula with everyone and it’s more of a reflex, it will still help. People like it when an email ends in a warm and positive way, wishing them things like the ones above.

In my view, email etiquette at work is definitely an evolving topic. As technology evolves, so does email and so do the rules of email etiquette at work. It is up to you to always use your head, keep your people skills in general sharp and seek to make the best use of email communication in the workplace.

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Quitting a Job with Style

I’ll tell you one thing many people seriously consider after working with me in a communication coaching program: quitting their job. I usually couldn’t be happier about this, as I believe that quitting a job is a natural part of career progress, which we often postpone unnecessarily.

Most people tend to find quitting a job as a delicate subject. They see all sorts of risks involved and they wanna do it right.

I think it’s a challenge to give generally applicable advice for quitting a job, as the context can vary a lot: some people quite a job because they absolutely hate it and they run like the wind, other people quit a job even though they love it, because an even better opportunity arisen.

However, I can think of 3 people skills principles which apply in most cases when quitting a job. They focus not only on doing it right, but on doing it with style. Here they are:

1. Don’t say you’re quitting your job at first

Many people are quitting their job for only slightly improved conditions, such as a slightly bigger salary or slightly more important responsibilities.

Often, if your employer knows about these extra benefits you want to leave for and values you as an employee, they will make you a counter-offer which you might want to consider. I have many examples of this happening and the employee deciding to stay after all, with improved working conditions.

This is why I believe in these cases, it’s best to not tell your employer directly that you’re leaving. Instead, tell him at first that you’re considering leaving and mention the extra benefits which are motivating you to do this.

Then, mention that you would like to stay with them if they make you a good counter-offer. Only if they do not, you can decide and announce firmly that you’re quitting your job.

2. Phrase it in the positive

One manifestation of good people skills I find highly valuable is talking about improvements rather than about solving problems. This technique works especially well when announcing that you’re quitting a job.

Preferably, don’t say: “I don’t like this job and I want to get the hell out of here”. Instead, say “I’m interested in a job which is closer to my passion and I think I have the best chances of finding one somewhere else”.

The main point is to talk about the improvements you aim to achieve through another job, rather than the problems you aim to get away from. This gets the best possible reactions from others and allows you to leave an employer without senselessly breaking the relationship.

3. Throw a farewell party

I bet you didn’t expect this one, did you?

Many times, people will quit a job although they get along well with most of their colleagues. Their reasons for quitting have to do with something else. So it makes sense to say goodbye to your colleagues in a fun, memorable way which communicates how much you appreciate them.

I call this a P-A-R-T-Y! You don’t have to through a big party and invite all the company. A small office, house, pub or club party with your dearest colleagues will do.

By the way: when I see ‘colleagues’ I’m including here your manager, clients, and collaborators – anyone you respect and have worked well with. Believe it or not, a farewell party when quitting a job can be a very good business networking and relationship building tool.

I believe it does make sense to try ending a work relationship on a positive note and good people skills will help you achieve this. At the same time, I think the best mental frame to have is that quitting a job is not a big deal.

With this mind frame, you can make quitting a job a simple, constructive and even enjoyable experience. Who knows, you might even make a hobby out of it…

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Conversation Starters Project

Cool people,

A few days ago, I’ve launched a niche website which I encourage you to check out. It’s called Conversation Starters and it’s about (you’ve guessed it) conversation starters (I love it when the right domain is available).

This site aims to provide a quality answer to a frequent question: “How the hell do I start a conversation?” There are now only a few articles on it, but in the next few weeks it’s gonna fill with content.

The really good news, in my view, is that Conversation Starters will be more than a place to find cheesy lines. I take communication and people skills very seriously. This site will be a source for smart, practical conversation starters, as well as principles and techniques to understand and apply them effectively.

On a funnier note, it’s highly entertaining for me to write on a potentially corny subject and try to provide real value to readers, while maintaining a relaxed approach of the subject.

So, if you’re interested in improving your people skills in the area of initiating conversations, head on over to www.conversation-starters.com.

I’m looking forward to your feedback, plus, any good conversation starters you would like to share.

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Dealing with Envious People

Reach a high enough level of success, skill or happiness, and you find out there are a lot of little green monsters around you, many of which you used to call friends, colleagues, partners or collaborators.

Since envy is a common and tricky interpersonal occurrence, I believe that dealing with envious people effectively is one of the important people skills to master. The primary thing to be acquainted with is not technique, but the fundamental philosophy of handling envious people. This is what I’ll focus this article on.

Reality Check

Before you think about dealing with envious people, answer this question: Are they really envious of you? You see, one thing I’ve noticed coaching people to improve their people skills is that in a many cases, envy is a false diagnostic.

What’s really going on is that a person has a better image of their skills or success than it’s warranted, so they act all arrogant and they expect special treatment. When this special treatment does not happen, the person wrongfully concludes that people are envious of them.

Here’s an example: a recruiter who believes they are the best recruiter in the company and should get the most important recruitment projects. However, their manager accurately believes that this person is not the best recruiter and gives them regular recruitment projects. So, the recruiter decides that their manager is just envious.

This is why it’s good to open your eyes really wide, notice what’s really going on and then decide if it’s a case of people green with envy or rather you being a self-righteous pain in the ass.

Putting Envious People in One of Two Boxes

If you decide that you’re dealing with real envy, the next thing I recommend is to think about those people who are envious of you and their real power to have a practical negative impact over you. Based on this, put them into one of two boxes:

  1. The Harmless Box. These are the people who besides making some bad jokes and not liking you very much don’t have the power or the guts to actually do something which can harm you.
  2. The Potential Threat Box. These are the people who do have enough power and nerve to potentially harm an aspect of your life, such as a work colleague who is very well trusted by all the top management in the company.

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore

The people in the first box are the people you just want to ignore. Let their jokes and passive-aggressive comments be like spears passing through water. There is no real harm they can do and often, if they see their comments have no effect on you, they eventually back off and continue hating you in silence.

By defending yourself in front of them or becoming passive-aggressive yourself, you are giving these people more importance than they deserve. Many of them are hopping this will happen, because they derive power not from real results, but from manipulative, power games.

Address Them Head On

The people in the second box, they are a different scenario. Since they can actually sabotage your career, relationships or life, you want to deal with them as soon as you notice comments or behaviors that suggest envy.

The first approach I recommend is talking to them. Point their conduct, express your honest opinions in a tactful way and seek to get their perspective on things. Yes, if your communication style is good enough, this does work and you can get the other person to back down.

If this approach fails, it’s time to put into play one of my favorite people skills: cutting this person’s power over you. This means you change your environment and your social dynamics so the envious person no longer has power to affect you.

One person I know who had an envious manager did so by becoming a good friend with and earning the trust of their manager’s manager. Another person with an envious manager did so by quitting their job and finding another one. Alternatives do exist; the essence is to act on them.

Envious people can be a bother, but they don’t have to. Know how to deal with them wisely, have the confidence and the people skills to do so, and they become insignificant; which is how I think envious people deserve to be.

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How to Meet New People and Make New Friends

I remember many years ago, a woman told me how she is often bored because she doesn’t have a lot of friends. She was living in a city with over 3.000.000 people. I was shocked. I was wondering: “How can you live surrounded by so many people and not have enough friends to spend some quality time with?

Since then, this scene has repeated itself many times, with many other persons. After a while, I realized how common this phenomenon was and it no longer shocked me.

I began thinking how I could assist others to meet new people and make new friends; thus my current profession plus a marginal obsession for social dynamics and improving people skills.

The Loneliness Paradox

Most of us walk on the streets every day passing by hundreds of other people. And yet many of us lack a good social circle, both in terms of quality and quantity.

It’s obviously not a problem of options. As a person who at one point consciously increased their sociability factor, I can tell you that there are not only a lot of people, but also many cool people out there, eager to meet new people and make new friends. It is a problem of confidence, strategy, people skills, or any combination of the three.

The good news is that you can develop any of these and get the kind of social life you want. In this article I will give you the fundamental points to developing your social circle and enriching your social life.

Meeting New People

One great way to meet new people is, in my view, taking on social activities. These activities can include sports, classes, hobbies, volunteer work etc. There are dozens of examples of specific social activities, which is exactly why I think it’s pointless for me to give you a few.

The point is to use social activities to get in environments where there are other people and by the nature of the activity you interact with them. At the same time, you want to get involved in activities which you believe you might enjoy; not just any social activity.

The other great way to meet new people that I know is getting your current friends to introduce you to some of their other friends. Of course, this doesn’t apply if your current friends are in a faraway town or if they don’t have any other friends, but it does apply in any other scenario.

I often tell my friends to give me a call whenever they’re going out with a group of cool people or to a fun party. I’ve repeated this to a few of them so many times that now they are in the habit of thinking about me whenever they go out. It helps if at one point, you can return your friends the favor, but in my experience, it’s not a must.

Making New Friends

Keep in mind that interacting with a new person does not automatically make that person a friend. Friendships happen when two people feel connected in some way. They discover they have things in common, they like each other or they got used with being part of each other’s lives.

Once you’ve met new people, you will need to keep the ball rolling in order to develop friendships. Two things come to mind on how to do this.

The first thing is to be very sociable. When interacting with somebody: talk about yourself and open up, ask the other person questions, listen actively, make jokes and focus on positive topics. Apparently simple actions like these and mixing them the right way are a reflection of good skills with people and the very fabric of making friends.

The second thing is to take the initiative and ask people out. If you interact with a person and you’re getting along well, that’s more than a good reason to initiate future interactions.

So if for example, you meet a person in your photography class you enjoy interacting with them, give them a call sometimes and ask them to join you for coffee, or something similar. As the interactions get rolling, if you get along even better, a friendship develops.

On paper/ your monitor, it may appear very easy to meet new people and make new friends. The trick is to skillfully apply ideas like the ones above. And the emphasis is not initially on the word ‘skillfully’, but on the word ‘apply’. Most people I know with poor social lives essentially need to get off their asses more.

One of the reasons I teach people skills is because I have seen and I have experienced for myself how fulfilling a rich social life can be. We live now in a world with more social opportunities than ever. I’m convinced it’s a worthwhile task to make good use of them.

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When It Comes To Life Success, It’s All About Crafty Confidence – 5 Unorthodox Tips to Improve Yours

This is a guest post by Jonny Gibaud, co-founder of Emergency Food Storage. Jonny writes for the love of helping people, inspiring people and Katie Holmes. For articles on Life Design, Business and Sexy Money head over to his blog or check out his personal BrandBase.

Confidence Is The Winner

Confidence, more than ability, is usually what separates the winners from the losers and so what better trait to focus on for improving your confidence.

Some people are innately very confident and I am sure we all secretly harbor some resentment towards them because of it but even if confidence does not come easily to you, it can be improved. The 5 Unorthodox confidence boosting techniques we are going to focus on today are:

1. Wear Outrageous Underwear
2. Make Statements – Limit Explanation
3. Learn To Love Silence
4. Dress Dapper
5. Finish Well

1. Wear Outrageous Underwear

Sometimes the only thing you need to do to put your fears to rest is to have a secret that you know and no one else does. Imagining people in their underwear is yesterday’s news, wearing your own outrageous pair of skinnies under your clothes in the new future.

Having this little secret that you and only you in the room know will help you feel more relaxed and settled.

Personally, whenever giving a presentation or networking I like to wear a pair of silk black boxer shorts with bright red hearts on. (Yeah, too much information I know) but it is this little outrageous act that relaxes me and allows me to be at my most confident. Try it and see for yourself.

2. Make Statements – Limit Explanation

Confidence is all about perception and the quickest way to destroy that perception is to overly explain your job, idea, background, latest travels etc. Try to limit the amount of explaining you do unless specifically asked to.

Simply making a one sentence statement is incredibly powerful because it comes across that what you just said does not need explanation or proof.

“I’m a Personal Branding consultant who works with my clients to define and project a powerful Personal Brand both online and offline” is far more powerful then “I’m a Personal Branding consultant who works with my clients to define and project a powerful Personal Brand both online and offline. You need a personal brand because…..and I do this…and this for you…with this on the side”

3. Learn To Love Silence

Silence is your friend, my friend.

Most people hate silences and will do anything to avoid them, and it is for this reason that learning to love them can be so powerful.

Whether the silence falls within a natural lull in conversation or when contemplating an idea, people will normally try to jump in and fill it with repeated words, fill words or just plain nonsense. Anything but the silence.

If you can learn to enjoy the silences, not try to fill them and use the time to actually think (as opposed to having shifty, uncomfortable eyes) then the world is yours. People admire this trait and subconsciously attach a huge amount of self confidence to your character.

4. Dress Dapper

We all make snap decisions, we shouldn’t but we do. If you’re not looking your best, you will never feel and act your best.

Remember how confident you felt in a Tux or a beautiful dress. (Tux for boys, dress for girls. Behave people.) Clothes make a difference and nothing saps your confidence like turning up underdressed and not looking your best.

Take the time to make sure you look dapper and let your confidence expand from there. Your look is the foundation of your confidence.

5. Finish Well

It’s all in the finish people. Fortunately you can make a hash of almost everything but if you finish well, that has the major impact on what the audience takes away.

Focus on always finishing speeches, conversations and network events with a powerful and confident close. Practice and perfect it.

With a powerful close that will leave a great impression you can be safe in the knowledge than no matter how badly things go, people will tend to remember at least a confident close. This knowledge will also help you relax and in turn act more confident. It’s a great fulfilling circle of awesomeness.

Get Confident

So there you have it. Five very simple and effective techniques for improving your confidence. Go out and give them a try, I am sure you won’t be disappointed. Also, as a shameless plug for my new upcoming book keep and eye out for the launch of CHOOSE: Master of Money Or Slave To It.

Rock on all.

Image courtesy of pasotraspaso

How to Deal With Toxic People

We’ve all met them: they are the people who drain you of energy instead of enriching you, the people who pull you down instead of pushing you up, the people who require more then they can provide; the negative, wining, needy, manipulative people who can turn a happy day into a living hell.

I call them toxic people. One thing I notice is that no matter how good our people skills are in general, most of us have problems with dealing effectively with this kind of people. Even those with really sharp people skills often get caught up in the polluting relationships (personal or professional) toxic people create.

The good news is that there are effective ways to deal with toxic people. Working as a communication coach, I came to realize there are certain patterns of behavior and communication which work really well with this kind of persons. Here are the most significant of them:

1. Avoid toxic people

I believe the best way to deal with toxic people is to not deal with them at all; to avoid them. In some cases it may not be an option, but more often than not, it is. This is why I encourage you to really think about the options you truly have with every toxic person in your life.

It is common to think you have to deal with someone, when you actually do not. It is also common to believe you can get a toxic person to change while interacting with them. My experience is that unless you are a professional, you will not get them to change and trying it simply is not worth it.

2. Anticipate toxic people

It is harder than usual to get out of relationships with a toxic person. Toxic people tend to have this ability to make you feel bad for avoiding them and to attach to you like a leech. This is why it’s important to be able to spot them quickly, and start avoiding them before the relationship truly develops.

The best way I know to do this is to come up with a list of clues which you believe might indicate a toxic person. Then, every time you meet a person and a significant number of these clues are there, distance yourself from that person.

3. Set firm boundaries

Toxic people will often use you, one way or another. The may complain to you all the time while you listen hopelessly (?), or they may constantly get you to get them out of trouble. This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are reflections of what you are and are not willing to do.

Setting firm boundaries means not allowing toxic people to use you in any of these ways. It means refusing to listen to them complain, refusing to get them out of trouble. When you have firm boundaries, there is basically nothing bad any person can do to you.

4. Get over your guilt

Most toxic people are very skilled at making others feel guilty when they don’t do what they want. This makes it particularly hard to set and maintain firm boundaries with them. But, there is a way out of this dilemma: getting rid of your guilt. It is your own guilt which toxic people use to break down your boundaries.

When you can set and maintain boundaries with them without feeling guilty, the weapon they have against you is gone. Realize that your guilt is irrational, pointless, and it is used against you by toxic people. This is the best way to get over it.

5. Do not defend yourself

When you avoid toxic people and you set boundaries with them, they frequently resort to accusing you, complaining and playing the victim in an attempt to get you to change your behavior.

One of the worst things you can do when this happens is to defend yourself. It is usually a futile action and it only keeps an immature dialog going which eventually helps the toxic person get what they want. You won’t get anywhere with them by defending yourself and your actions.

Unfortunately, toxic people are everywhere. And they tend to attach themselves to those persons who are kind and have the most to offer. When you have the people skills to deal effectively with toxic people, you have the option to respond to their attaching in the best ways for you.

As for helping toxic people change their ways, I encourage you to leave/pass this task to the professionals in this area.

PS: I now blog and share advice over here. Connect with me.

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Rich Online Social Life and No Offline Social Life?

Social networking sites like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter tend to have curious effects on people and their social lives. One thing I notice is how many of those who use them tend to fall into one of two opposite categories:

  1. The people who have a rich, active offline social life and use socialization through social networking sites as an extension of this one. Social media is for them an opportunity to communicate more, with more people, from more locations.
  2. The people who basically have no offline social life and use socialization through social networking sites as a replacement for it. Social media is for them a way to compensate a lack of face to face interactions, by spending a lot of time communicating online.

Now, can you guess the people from which category I believe have a problem? That’s right, the people in the second group. Those who don’t balance their online social life with their offline one. And I believe their problem is two-folded: it has a component related to impact and one to relationships.

Weakening your impact

The first side of the problem is that by interacting almost exclusively online with the people you could also be interacting with offline, you considerably diminish your impact. Offline communication may require more time and effort, but it definitely has its rewards in terms or the influence you can achieve.

This is why I’m a big supporter of things like public speaking, networking face to face and having good people skills for face to face interactions. Usually, you will get the best results by mixing and balancing online with offline communication.

Having superficial relationships

The second side of the problem is that by interacting almost exclusively online with people, your relationships often end up being very shallow. Face to face interactions can have a lot more depth and a bigger emotional charge than the ones on the Internet. They can make relationships develop easier and become much stronger.

Those who have few face to face interactions often feel lonely and a lack of real connection with other people. From an emotional perspective, they essentially have second rate, noticeably less fulfilling social lives.

In general, my experience as a communication coach is that too much of an online social life by comparison with the offline one is a sign of a shy, insecure person with not so good people skills. Not chronically shy, those people don’t even chat online, but still. Many of the geeks who a decade ago played Nintendo all day long are now represented by geeks with fake social lives.

Getting out of the shell

Do you have 2000 Facebook friends and only 2 live friends? Do you spend a lot more time interacting with people online than offline? Do you often feel lonely and disconnected? These are all different pieces of the same puzzle.

The first step to improvement as a person in this group is recognizing the costs of not having much of an offline social life. The second one is to fight your natural tendencies to compensate a lack of face to face interactions through stuff like chatting on MySpace, and instead going out there to socialize.

As you gradually push yourself to interact more with people, your people skills improve and your social confidence with it. You experience more social freedom and more fulfilling relationships. It is only when you have the option and skills to interact with people using a wide range of channels that you can make the best social choices.

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