February 9, 2013

Are You Wasting Precious Time?

I often say that the most valuable resource we have in life is time. Time is the only resource that cannot get replenished. You can perhaps extend it a bit by living healthy, but beyond that what you get is what you get, and your responsibility is to use it wisely.

So if there is one thing that bothers me, it’s the reckless wasting time. Which seems to be the main hobby of many of us. Until one day we realize that we’ve let most of our life fly by and we’ve done so little with it when we could have done so much.

Considering this, I’d like to give you a simple roadmap to help you avoid wasting precious time and make the most out of your own life.

It’s All About Your Values

What does it mean to use your time well? I believe it means to use it doing things that are aligned with your values, with the things that are most important to you. Now the trick is that each person has their own unique set of values. Examples of such values include:

  • Having fun;
  • Helping others;
  • Interacting with others;
  • Creating;
  • Learning, etc.

Depending on your own values, using your time well will have a unique significance for you. Your first task regarding this is to ask yourself: “what is most important to me in life?” and seek to identify your dominant values with as much precision as possible.

Aligning Your Life with Your Values

Once you have a good understanding of your own values, it’s time to get as many activities as possible in your program that are well aligned with them and cut out the ones that are not.

time

You’ll have to do a realistic assessment of how you use your time each day and start making steady changes until your use of your time is well aligned with your values. In general, there are three types of errors you can spot in the way you use your time right now:

1) Living by other people’s values. This is when you invest your time doing something that others or society in general tell you that you should do, but they don’t truly match your values.

For example, seeking to build a family because that’s what most people do, although personally you don’t actually want a family and you don’t feel it would make you happier. This is why it’s important to get clear on what matters to you, and assess the actions you take based on your own values.

2) Seeking instant gratification. This is when you do something that quickly satisfies one of your values, although there are alternatives that require more time and effort but in terms of quality are radically better.

For instance, chatting with a friend on Facebook when you could go out with them and chat face to face. Although the second option will prove much more gratifying if connection is an important value for you, you have to invite them out, get out of the house, go somewhere and meet them. Which delays the gratification, but it’s worth it.

3) Not leaving your comfort zone. This means doing things that are trouble-free, instead of challenging yourself, even if the pleasure they give you is feeble and it fades quickly.

For example, maybe you value freedom a lot and you could achieve a lot more freedom by starting your own business and turning it into a success. But this implies risks and uncertainty and you don’t want that, so you choose to stay in your regular 9 to 5 job, which is comfy but not at all fulfilling in terms of freedom.

Fortunately, by clarifying your top values and assessing how you use your time based on them, you can realize when you’re letting one or more of these 3 errors take hold of your time and squander it.

Then all you need is the fortitude and determination to correct these errors and make the best use of your valuable time and your irreplaceable existence. And these are traits that you can develop with practice, plus a bit of patience. Remember: all you have is one life. Live it wisely.

PS: Two of my articles have been recently published on DatingAdvice.com. One is on approaching women, the other is about long-term relationships. Check them out; I think you’ll like what you’ll learn.

Image courtesy of wowyt

Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle Tagged With: , , , 2 Comments
December 19, 2012

Good Comebacks When Someone Makes Fun of You

I write a social confidence newsletter which currently has over 10.000 subscribers. One frequent question I get from subscribers is: “What are some good comebacks to use when someone makes fun of you?”

This question reminds me of my days in middle school and part of high school when me and my peers used to constantly tease each other and we would always try to have really good comebacks to what the other person said. It was a permanent battle of comments and I was pretty lousy at it.

So when I receive this question about good comebacks, I assume it’s from some 13-year old who’s in an environment with a bit too much testosterone, where putting other people down is a way to feel powerful or achieve some form of status.

Many times, this is the case. But equally often, the question comes from a full-grown adult who is dealing with teasing or denigration from others and still doesn’t know how to handle it. I guess some things never change.

So, whether you’re a teen or an adult, I want to address this issue and give you the tools to handle such situations.

Good Comebacks for What? 

I know you think that what you need is some clever comebacks. If someone could give you some very witty lines that you can use in every situation, you’d always come out on top and you’d show those people who make fun of you.

But that’s not what I’m gonna do.

comeback

Because, no matter your age, this game of who-has-the-cleverest-comebacks is silly. It’s a strenuous clash that goes on relentlessly and nobody truly wins. Sure, it can be fun sometimes, but it’s not regularly.

This is why the best advice I can give you is to not engage in these battles of comments. If you engage, you just add fuel to the fire. As a rule, when a person makes fun of you, focus on disarming the situation rather than making fun of them back. It’s much simpler and it yields much better results.

Coming from this perspective, good comebacks are not aggressive or derogatory. Rather, they reflect a disinterest in playing this game, and not because of fear or shyness, but because you don’t find it worth your time.

Today, my most common reaction when someone makes a joke about me is to make some lazy statement in response like: “Yeah man, whatever” or “You don’t say?”

And if they ask me a sarcastic question, I just give a ridiculous answer that shows I’m not taking it seriously. Like, if they ask me: “Why are you so thin?” I might answer something like “I’m going for the world record for slenderness.”

Interestingly enough, if a person makes fun of me once, they usually never do it again. Or they then do it rarely, and in a gracious manner.

One thing I’ve learned quickly is that trying to find slick comeback lines and using them robotically is the wrong approach. What is the right approach?

The right approach is to gauge your social confidence level in situations where others make fun of you. Because if you have confidence and a good self-image, I promise you that you will create just the right effect.

You’ll naturally come up with good comebacks, you’ll always have something effective to say and you’ll deliver your lines with such poise that others will not want to mess with you.

The fact of the matter is that most people who wonder about good comebacks they can use are pretty insecure and they approach social situations in a weak, defensive way. And this is the real problem.

If this is you, the best thing you can do is work on building your social confidence. The rest will take care of itself.

Now, since this is a different topic altogether, I address is separately in this special presentation. Make sure to watch it, and you’ll learn not only what makes you lack social confidence, but also how to develop it.

I’ve gone from being very insecure to feeling at ease in social situations myself. And now, the very idea of trying to find good comebacks and memorize them for future use makes me laugh.

But I understand where you’re coming from. It’s just that a couple of clever lines will only give you a temporary fix, and even that one will only work occasionally. The real solution lies in building real social confidence. Make this your priority.

Image courtesy of World Series Boxing

Filed Under: Inspirational, Personal Development Tagged With: , , , , 3 Comments
November 6, 2012

How to Be Friendly

If you study the people who bond the easiest with others and have the richest social lives, it doesn’t take long to realize that much of their social success resides in the fact they are very friendly and gregarious, with both girls and guys. Luckily, you can learn how to be friendly as well, and join their ranks.

As a communication and confidence coach, one of my core activities is teaching others how to be friendly and confident socially, and helping them create the fulfilling interpersonal relationships they yearn for.

The thing is, friendliness is just a set of behaviors and a certain frame of mind. If you understand them, you know how to be friendly. And if you employ them effectively, you become more friendly and social.

With this in mind, here are the 4 essential behavioral and mental changes to make in order to be more friendly.

1. Use Social Initiative Exercises

The biggest component of friendliness is social initiative. Having social initiative means that you proactively generate social interactions or certain phases of social interactions. You don’t wait for others to be social with you before you’re social with them.

There are very specific actions that compose social initiative. You can take these actions, one or more at a time, and practice them deliberately, sort of like exercises. I’m talking about actions like:

  • Attending events that are social in nature: parties, classes, networking events, etc.
  • Walking up to new people or people you know and starting conversations.
  • Introducing yourself to people you don’t know when they join your conversation.
  • Asking the other person questions about themselves during a chat.
  • Talking about yourself and sharing your own ideas and experiences.
  • Asking another person for their contact details.
  • Calling or emailing another person and inviting them to go out with you.

And the list could go on. Pick a couple of these activities today and start doing them more. There is no point in waiting.

2. Develop a Mindset of Likability

Something I’ve noticed early on at individuals that want to learn how to be friendly because they struggle with this is that, at some level, they see themselves as unlikeable.

They don’t think they’re good enough or interesting enough for others to want to interact with them or be friends with them. Thus, they are act cold and unfriendly with others. But this is just a facade, to protect themselves from the rejection they expect to happen.

If this is true for you too (and in almost surely is), then implement the 1st change I mentioned may prove to be quite challenging. You may have trouble even asking a few questions or making a bit of small talk with others, because you keep second-guessing yourself.

This is why it’s crucial to work on your mentality as well and develop a mindset according to which you are a likeable person; you are good enough. Which, trust me, you are. You just don’t fully realize it yet.

Since this is an extensive topic, I discuss it separately in this cutting-edge presentation. Make sure to watch it and you’ll learn the exact steps you have to take to change your mindset and become at ease in social interactions.

3. Choose the Right People for You

A genuinely friendly person can make conversation with just about anybody and enjoy the experience. Nevertheless, there will always be people they find it much easier to chat with, for longer periods of time, they’ll take more pleasure in it and they’ll be much more outspoken.

These are the people they are very compatible with: the people they have a lot in common with in terms of ideas, values, lifestyle, interests and so on.

It’s much easier to be friendly if you’re interacting with a person you match well with. If you usually hang out with people who only talk about marriage, kids and TV shows while you care about personal development, entrepreneurship and travelling, there is a definite mismatch there.

Think about the kinds of people you connect with the best, and then seek the types of activities, places and events where these kinds of people spend their time. Meet the right people for you and you’ll naturally find yourself being friendlier.

4. Socialize On a Regular Basis

It’s hard to become friendly and social if you only go out once every two weeks and you spend the rest of your time at home by yourself.

In order to eventually be friendly without effort, you mind needs to become acclimatized with social interactions. It needs to recognize them as a standard component of your life, which you go through regularly. And this requires regularity in your social interactions.

So, go out more, meet new people and interact with them periodically. Make going out the rule, not the exception. This is how to be friendly on a constant basis: by acclimatization with social contact.

Again, this presentation will provide you practical advice for achieving this and making the process of becoming more friendly as smooth as possible.

Your social life is under your control. Make the right adjustments in your behavior as well as your mindset, and you’ll surprisingly find yourself opening up more with all kinds of people and having lots of fun interacting with others.

That’s when you know that your life can be all that you want it to be.

Image courtesy of NicoleAbalde

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , , , , 1 Comment
July 6, 2012

Jobs for Shy People: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

If you’re shy and interested in finding a job, you may be wondering: What are some good jobs for shy people?

The traditional advice concerning jobs for shy people goes something like this: since you are shy, you will feel uncomfortable dealing with people. Therefore, you should pick work where you don’t interact a lot with others.

Based on this line of thinking, several career fields and jobs with minimal human interaction are recommended for shy people, such as:

  • IT. Good jobs include: computer programmer, software developer, computer systems analyst and web designer.
  • Finance. Possible jobs are: accountant, financial analyst, credit analyst and actuary.
  • Writing. Good jobs include: author, photographer, article writer and content translator.
  • Health Care. Some nice jobs are: lab technician, researcher, equipment preparer and medical transcriptionist.
  • Blue Collar. Possible jobs are: janitor, maid, gardener, repairman, factory worker or truck driver.

While it is true that the jobs above won’t involve too much social contact so you won’t find them stressful from this perspective, there is a potentially huge problem with pursuing such a job.

In order to comprehend this, consider a few important ideas which, as a social confidence coach, I’ve discovered to be very accurate.

1. Deep down, you may actually love jobs that involve social interaction.

Many shy people I’ve coached were deep down very sociable and they loved interaction with people. But on top of that was a layer of insecurities that made them feel nervous in social situations.

However, once they managed to remove that layer, the love for social interaction became obvious. Many of them work in fields where they regularly deal with people, such as sales, recruitment, training or management, and it’s deeply fulfilling for them.

If they would have just avoided jobs that entailed social contact, they never would have ended up doing what they truly love.

2. Shy people don’t necessarily have bad social skills and good technical skills.

Many of the shy people I know are in fact very intelligent socially. They have an intuitive understanding of people and intrinsically, they have sharp social skills. It’s just that the nervousness they feel when dealing with others can inhibit these skills from manifesting.

I also know shy people who work in jobs like computer programmer or accountant and they suck at them. Because that’s not where their natural skills are; it’s just where they don’t have to face the discomfort of dealing with others.

So, it’s a big mistake to assume that if you’re shy, you automatically have an inclination towards technical jobs and lack an inclination towards working with people. You never know what’s beyond the shyness.

3. A big part of overcoming shyness is exposure to social situations.

Yes, shyness can be defeated. And right now there is an overwhelming amount of empirical evidence confirming this.

However, a very important step in defeating shyness is engaging in social interactions reputedly instead of avoiding them.

This exposure to social situations will help your brain get accustomed to them, and change your beliefs about yourself and others, thus making you more confident socially. This leads me to my next point…

4. Avoiding jobs that entail social contact just perpetuates the problem.

Shy people avoid social contact. And it’s perfectly understandable, because it’s scary. Nevertheless, considering the role of exposure to social situations in overcoming shyness, this only keeps their problem alive.

With respect to their career, shy people avoid social contact by looking for jobs that imply very little of it, it any. And they are quick to believe these are the best jobs for shy people.

I often hear shy individuals saying: “I don’t want to have to deal with others in my job. It’s demanding!”

Well, the fact dealing with others is demanding is the very reason why you should consider a job that entails dealing with others.

You can’t stay away from what scares you forever.

At one point or another, if you want to truly live your life, you need to face your fears. And a major way to do this is avoiding the “traditional” jobs for shy people and instead choosing a job that gets you interacting with people.

I’ve had coaching clients who worked, at least for a while, in jobs like door-to-door sales person or customer service representative, precisely because they were intimidating for them.

And these jobs provided a good amount of social exposure, which helped them build their social confidence.

By the way: if you want to learn how you can gain social exposure as effectively as possible and build rock-solid social confidence in literally just a few weeks, check out this presentation right now.

So: What are the best jobs for shy people?

They’re the same jobs that are best for anyone else: the jobs they have a natural inclination and passion for.

Look deep into your heart and ask yourself: “What would I really like to do if I wouldn’t be shy?”

It could be a technical job; it could be an extremely social job. Either way, that’s the path to pursue in your career.

And even if deep down, you truly want to work in a job that requires little social contact and you do have natural skills for it, you may still want for a few months to give a try to a job that requires lots of social contact. Simply because the experience in itself will be extremely useful in developing your social confidence.

Remember: the most valuable experiences in life are often the ones that you’re afraid of.

Inage courtesy of Ed Yourdon

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , , , , , 12 Comments
September 29, 2011

The Truth about Being Weird

Me, I’m an oddball.

I follow a healthy eating plan although I’m thin as a rail (which most people find strange), I believe in polyamory, and I often say some of the most retarded stuff you can imagine in conversations.

Many of the persons I coach have this belief that they are weird and that if most people would know them as they are, they would ridicule them or reject them.

So they frequently keep to themselves in social interactions and they avoid showing their true personality.

I want to shed the light once and for all on this weirdness issue. This will help you embrace your weirdness and accept yourself as you are.

Pretty cool, ha?

Everybody Is Weird

Whenever I talk with a person that believes they are quirky or strange, I realize they have this mistaken feeling of being the only one like that. They think just about everyone else is normal, except for them.

In my experience, things couldn’t be further from the truth.

We all have are own peculiarities, we are all deviations from what is routinely considered a ‘normal, respectable person’.

Let me tell you something: that normal person doesn’t exist. It’s a made-up social concept.

The only reality about weirdness is that:

1) Some people’s weirdness is easier to notice because it has to do with the way they look, dress, talk or commonly behave, while other people’s is harder because it relates more with their intimate life.

2) Many individuals are really good at hiding their bizarre side and putting on what they deem as a socially acceptable facade. Get to know them better, and you may find out they attempted suicide twice this year, or who knows what.

The suicide example is a true story, by they way. I recently met this girl who seemed so normal, until… well… I dug deeper. I’m good at that.

Weird Is What Makes People Bond

Okay, some perilous types of weird, like attempting suicide or being a wife beater, can be a turnoff. Although, you’d be surprised how even a trait like that will make you more endearing in somebody’s eyes!

But the general rule is this: it is our weirdness and vulnerability that makes us bond as human beings.

When a person seems to fit the standard pattern too well, they may appear like a quality individual at an intellectual level, but at an emotional level, it’s very hard to bond with such a person.

It’s our peculiarities and our rough edges that make us human and allow us to connect at a deep level, not fitting some unrealistic social standard.

Here’s something essential to know about those individuals who seem (and I stress the word ‘seem’) to be very ‘appropriate’.

You know the type: great job, perfect physical shape, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t offend anybody, has all the correct opinions, etc.

Most people I talk with have one thing to say about such individuals:

Booooooring!

Unleash Your True Self

Now, taking into account all that I’ve emphasized so far, there is one proper course of action regarding weirdness:

Bring it into play!

Instead of hiding your true self because you don’t want others to judge you, consciously open up more and express that side of your personality you traditionally hide.

And I don’t mean express it just with some people, if they seem to approve of it. I mean express it with everybody, no matter what they may think of it. This is how you build your self-acceptance.

This only thing that should matter to you is whether you’re OK with that side of your personality. If you are, anything else is secondary.

In my case, I know that I have some bizarre opinions or I make some lifestyle choices that many don’t understand. But I understand them, and they make sense for me. So I have no hesitation in displaying them.

Ultimately, embracing your weird side comes from putting it out there more and changing the way you think about it.

More on this changing your thinking part coming soon, in my social confidence newsletter.

In the meantime, remember that everybody is an oddball in some way; and at the end of the day, those that show it confidently and unrepentantly have the most to gain.

Have fun and stay tuned!

Image courtesy of rishibando

Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle, People Skills Tagged With: , , 10 Comments
September 6, 2011

The Ingredients of a Fulfilling Social Life

In the last few years, I’ve given a lot of thought to the question: What makes one happy? I think there is a lot of variation, as each person is different, but there is at least one common thread. And that thread is good relationships.

I think that, on the whole, the people with the most meaningful relationships tend to also be the happiest.

Thus, it’s no surprise that, for example, people with social anxiety, who tend to have few or no friends and rarely go out, are often also diagnosed with depression. Loneliness is not only boring; it’s also detrimental to your mental wellbeing.

Most of us lack a proper map for what to look for regarding our social life. It’s not enough to go out and hang out with people. A social life needs to fit some criteria in order for it to be rewarding.

Therefore, I want to talk about what I deem as the three key ingredients of a fulfilling social life.

1. Quantity

Yes, quantity is important. I don’t believe in having one friend. I also don’t believe in expecting your romantic partner to play all the important roles you want in your life: lover, collaborator, friend, mentor, therapist etc. You’re putting too much pressure on one single person.

The thing is that we have an array of similar but distinct social needs. We want companionship, but also romance, and fun, and deep conversation, and guidance, and support, and a massage at 2 AM in the night.

So the best way to go is to find a palette of people, each one with the ability to fulfill some of your needs. Typically, the more individuals you have in your social circle, the more of your social needs you can satisfy.

2. Connection

Obviously, quantity is not enough. You can know a lot of people, but if the dynamic of the relationships is not adequate, they don’t bring any perceptible value in your life, and vice versa. Quality is also key.

At a psychological level, the measurement of the reciprocal value two people bring into each other’s lives is something I like to call connection. A good relationship, in my book, is defined by a strong and rewarding connection.

This connection can be casual, romantic, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and so on, depending on the nature of the relationship. But it must be there. When you feel that connection interacting with a person, you know it’s a relationship worth having.

You want to have a social life with lots of people in it, but more importantly, with people you truly connect with. At the end of the day, you’re much better off with 10 strong interpersonal connections in your life than 100 barely manifest ones.

3. Authenticity

As a coach, a lot of the people I discuss with tell me they don’t enjoy socializing and interacting with others. As we explore this topic, what I discover almost every time is that they believe they must get the approval of others, and they act in a fake way during social interactions.

Well, when your social interactions are mostly about playing a role in order to get approval and avoid disapproval, of course you don’t enjoy them very much. Who enjoys being fake and on guard all the time?

This is why I see authenticity as a fundamental ingredient. The point it to behave in a genuine way around other people, instead of faking it. Thus, whatever connections you build with people, they are authentic and you can truly savor them.

I find it a lot more productive to meet lots of people, and hold on to those you genuinely connect with, instead of meeting a few people and clinging on to them no matter what. The later kind of relationships is simply not rewarding.

Conversation Confidence

I always notice one common quality that all people with fulfilling social lives have. This quality is what allows them to bring quantity, connection and authenticity in their relationships with others.

And the quality is conversation confidence: the ability to engage others in a comfortable and genuine matter, without making excuses for who they are. With conversation confidence, you can interact with others easily, express yourself and simply unveil the relationships that are meant to be.

Next Tuesday, on September 13, I’m going to release Conversation Confidence: a 4.5 hours audio guide, based on scientific research on the psychology of confidence and my 5 years of experience as a coach.

If you want to be a confident conversationalist and have a rich, fun and fulfilling social life, this guide is the cornerstone. With its release, I’m also gonna launch some cool free bonuses, as well as another website and brand.

Stay tuned. Big things are coming.

Image courtesy of Lulz Photography

Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle, Relationships Tagged With: , , , 4 Comments
August 24, 2011

Where Does Social Confidence Really Stem From?

Social confidence is the term I use to describe the type of confidence that concerns social situations and dealing with other persons.

I think most people have a profound misunderstanding of what it takes to develop social confidence. The problem is that they treat social confidence like any other type of confidence, and they believe developing it requires the same approach.

But it doesn’t. And so they end up going on this strenuous and unnecessary journey towards social confidence. Ironically, they often don’t even reach their destination, because they took the wrong road.

Social Confidence vs. Mechanical Confidence

I refer as mechanical confidence to the confidence regarding certain tasks or roles, and how well you can perform them.

Confidence as a singer, as a football player, as a car driver, as a lawyer or as an accountant, these are all forms of mechanical confidence.

Mechanical confidence in a certain area is reliant on the education, experience, results and appraisals that you’ve received in that area.

For instance: if you work as an accountant and you’ve received training at a top tier accounting school, you have over a decade of accounting experience, you have done correctly all sorts of convoluted accounting tasks and your clients habitually praise you for being such a good accountant, it’s reasonable to have ‘accounting confidence’.

And it makes sense, as you’re likely a very good accountant, with first-class accounting skills.

In the realm of mechanical confidence, skills and confidence go hand in hand. The way to develop your mechanical confidence in a specific area is typically to increase your skills in that area.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t excellent accountants who lack confidence as accountants, but still, the fact they have those excellent accounting skills creates a solid foundation to develop that confidence.

Social confidence is different. Although for the most part, people treat it the same as mechanical confidence.

By this I mean that they think social confidence needs to be based on social skills and social likeability, so they try to increase these elements in order to become more socially confident.

Most people I work with as a coach believe they need to learn how to be funny, how to make captivating conversation or how to impress others in order to feel confident in social settings and become more outgoing.

But they’re making a profoundly wrong assumption.

The Truth about Social Confidence

The fact of the matter is this: social confidence is not dependent on social skills. You don’t need to be a master conversationalist and a charismatic person in order to have social confidence.

Sure, these factors can elevate your social confidence and it’s a good idea to develop your social skills, but don’t believe for a second that without good social skills, you can’t have and shouldn’t have social confidence. Because that’s a bunch of bullshit.

Social confidence is something you expand from inside yourself. Its foundation is not in your social skills, but rather in your thinking.

Some of the most socially confident people I know are complete slobs with no goals in life, and little intelligence, creativity or allure to bring out. They have little that other people can passionately like them for, apart from their confidence in and of itself.

Yet they can feel confident in a social setting, not because the people in that setting like them, but because it doesn’t truly matter to them whether these people like them or not. They don’t need other people’s approval.

If you’re trying to develop your social confidence by trying to become a better, more likeable person, you’re pointlessly taking the long wrong.

Really, the best way to go is to just work on your social confidence directly. Focus on weeding out your limiting beliefs, embrace the notion that you don’t need the people around you to approve of you, and your social confidence will rise naturally.

And it’s not that unreliable confidence you have during a conversation when you know the other person is fond of you. It’s a lasting and reliable confidence that comes from your outlook on yourself, others, the world and life.

Once you have this natural social confidence, developing yourself and becoming more socially skilled is just an afterthought.

Image courtesy of iChaz

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , , 3 Comments
July 28, 2011

Feels Like You’re Running Out Of Time?

I think that one of the most dreadful feelings to have is the feeling that you’re running out of time. That life is passing by you and you’re not doing the things you want to do, you’re not living it the way you could be living it.

Really, apart from physical pain, I can’t think of any worse kind of pain than the sadness resulting from the perception of wasting your life. And if like me, you don’t believe in life after death, reincarnation or any of that stuff, and you believe this life is all you have, it only magnifies it.

Where does this very common feeling of sorrow stem from? In my view, there are three major sources.

1. Failing to Achieve Your Goals

The first source has to do with your life not turning up the way you want it to turn out.

Maybe you don’t have that high-level job you’ve always dreamed of, or you don’t make the kind of money you want to make, or you don’t have the relationship you want to have, or you don’t look the way you desire.

Considering that in the society most of us are living in, we are encouraged to set lofty goals for ourselves and build our lives around them, this source of discontent is quite widespread.

However, it’s worth pointing out that not achieving certain goals in and of itself does not lead to unhappiness, unless you attach yourself to your goals. Which takes me to my next point.

2. Attachment to Your Goals

Fortunately for me, I’ve met quite a number of people who are able to enjoy life extensively despite not having achieved their goals. I say fortunately because this kind of people tends to be the exception more than the rule.

Yes, they have goals and they work at achieving them. But not having achieved them doesn’t make them feel sadness and regret. Why? Because they are able to draw satisfaction from life in itself, not just from reaching goals.

Reaching their goals would temporarily increase their happiness, but that doesn’t stop them from having fun each day, doing things they enjoy, being self-amusing and making the best out of life as it is.

Ironically, this attitude of detachment, as most psychological studies suggest, will only increases their chances of success. Happiness breeds success even more than success breeds happiness.

3. Perfectionism

Last but not least, I think one of the central issues that prevent people from being happy is the tendency to aim for inflated ideals and only allow themselves to be happy if they achieve them.

It’s not enough make a good living; you need to be a millionaire. It’s not enough to have a nice house; you need to live in a mansion. It’s enough to have cool friends; you need to hang out with P. Diddy. It’s not enough to have a lot of qualities, you need to be perfect.

This kind of perfectionism creates the staggering situation we see today in developed countries: people have more money and more options than ever, yet the depression rate is sky high.

What gives? It’s only another shred of evidence that it’s not what you have that matters; it’s how you use it.

Stop, Look and Listen

Ultimately, I think in order to truly enjoy life, most people need to make a shift in attitude. They need to stop focusing exclusively on chasing increasingly higher goals and learn to embrace life as it is.

Now, notice I used the word ‘learn’. This is because it’s not something you just do. It’s a way of looking at things, at yourself and at life. It’s a way of living and a way of being. And it requires adequate practice and commitment to assimilate it.

Perhaps it’s time to put some distance between your goals and your happiness, and not let the later be dependent on the former. Aim high, but don’t be a perfectionist. Act to reach your goals and improve your life, never give up on your goals, but don’t let the fact you’re not reaching your destination dismay you.

Focus on enjoying the journey. The destination is secondary.

Image courtesy of wowyt

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, Lifestyle Tagged With: , , 5 Comments
May 29, 2011

This Article Contains Instances of Strong Language

I don’t believe in good language and bad language. I also don’t believe in good people and bad people. I’m not interested in broad labels and I try not to judge things or people based on them, but on factual results.

Personally, I don’t have any problem with words like ‘fuck’, ‘shit’ and so on (as you can tell). If they serve a purpose, I use them when I write articles, deliver speeches or make conversation. I have internalized all kinds of language, from the scientific to the trivial.

Well, not all persons are like that, and not all persons appreciate my language. For instance, while I get a lot of email from people who say they appreciate my straightforward writing style, I also get email from people who tell me they find my language offensive.

And I have learned to embrace both kinds of reactions. It took me a while, but I’ve realized that the first category of people cannot exist without the second one. I wouldn’t have my fans if I didn’t have my critics, because they all respond to the same personal style but in different ways.

Victims of Labels

This being said, I do find the arguments of individuals who reject the use of strong language amusing. A typical conversation for me with such a person (I’ll call them Bob) goes kind of like this:

Bob: “I don’t like your profane language. It’s unprofessional.”

Me: “Unprofessional. What does that mean specifically?”

Bob: “You know…. Unprofessional! “

Me: “No, I don’t know. It’s a label, but what does it mean?”

Bob: “I suppose it means… incompetence.”

Me: “So you’re saying that my use of profane language is an accurate estimator of how competent I am in my field?”

Bob. “Well, no I guess not. But that kind of language shows disrespect.”

Me: “How?”

Bob: “It just does.”

Me: “I don’t buy that assumption. How precisely is my strong language an indicator of disrespect?”

Bob: “That’s how people see it.”

Me: “What people?”

Bob: “People.”

Me: “You mean ALL people?”

Bob: “No. Yes. I’m not sure.”

This dialogue could go on forever, but Bob eventually finds it nauseating and gives up. Comedy aside, I think you can tell where I’m going. My point is this:

The use of strong language doesn’t mean shit.

Those interpretations we may give to the use of strong language are damn near arbitrary. We just believe they are correct because they’re spinning in our head like a broken disc.

Today, we have top professionals who use the word ‘fuck’ in almost every sentence and amateurs who try to appear competent by the use of ‘proper language’.

Words as Expression

There’s an episode of the TV show Bullshit (yes, that’s the name of the show) where Penn & Teller, the hosts of the show, debunk profanity. You might want to check it out.

I think Penn and Teller are aware of one key trait of language: its ability to convey meaning. Language is a way to express ideas, facts, emotions and ultimately, ourselves.

However, in order for language to do so, we must be willing to use its full range, even if some persons may not like it. Censoring ourselves for the sake of etiquette impairs personal expression. Do that often enough and you have no voice, and no impact.

Personally, I find the whole distinction between good and bad language juvenile and farfetched. But these are only two labels. I’ll tell you one practical lesson I’ve learned though, as a coach and as a person.

You’ll get a lot more out of being authentic in your communication than by trying to follow strict etiquette.

Will you piss some people off? Absolutely. Does it make a difference? No, not really. The only real way to never piss people off is to be invisible. I’ve been there, and trust me: it’s not very enjoyable.

The best way to go is to discover your inner voice, make it heard in a genuine way and make shit happen.

Image courtesy of CarbonNYC

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, News Tagged With: , , , , , 10 Comments