Communication Skills

Eduard May 13, 2011

Dealing with an Attention Whore

An attention whore can be a pain in the ass. This person (either man or woman), due to their deep-seated need for validation from others, will often try aggressively to takeover any social setting.

Their extraversion, theatricality, verbal skills and desperate desire to woo people often makes an attention whore quite loud, pushy and annoying. You just want to either get them to shut up and chill once in a while, or to hit them with a blunt object.

Unfortunately, most of the impulses we may have when dealing with an attention whore will not yield positive results. There are however, effective strategies to handle an AW. Here are the four that, in my experience, work best.

1. Start with a Reality Check

First off, ask yourself this question: “Is this person’s attitude bothering me because 1) they’re loud and aggressive, or because 2) they’re getting more attention from others than me?”

You see, I frequently notice that shy people have a problem with attention whores due to envy. An attention whore is outgoing and social, which is something they’re not. An AW often grabs attention in group settings, while they’re getting ignored.

If the second answer to the question above applies in your case, then the best strategy is not to try and disarm the attention whore. The best strategy is to focus on becoming more outgoing. The AW may make it hard for you to be social, but they are not truly the issue here. You are.

2. Ignore, Divide and Conquer

I think that one of the worst things you can do is to give or appear to give your full interest to an attention whore. This only feeds their exacerbated sense of entitlement and makes them even more obnoxious.

You want to moderate the AW and you do this by habitually ignoring them. This means that you’ll sometimes phase out while they’re talking, act as if you don’t care very much, even interrupt and start talking over them. Be assertive; don’t get trapped in mindless conversation.

In group settings, one of the best things you can do is to divide and conquer. Let’s say you’re in a set of five people and one of them is an attention whore. While the AW is talking, turn towards one of the people next to you and start a conversation with them. Thus, you’re breaking the group into subgroups and dividing the attention.

3. Tease Them

One strategy I particularly enjoy using with attention whores is to verbally indicate their tendency to take over a conversation and to tease them about it. For example, I’ll say something like: “Wow! You sure like to talk! Have you’ve been talking for like 30 minutes straight?”

This strategy works wonders because it subtly suggests that the other person is an AW, that you know it and that you’re not going to tolerate it. This kind of confident and clever humor is more effective than becoming aggressive, and a lot more effective than simply shutting up.

4. Let Them Go

In the long term, I think the proper thing to do with a true attention whore is to let them out of your life. All the drama and the struggle of dealing with an AW are not worth it. Cut them out of your social circle.

Occasionally, this is harder to do because your social circles overlap, or you’re in the same department at work or something like that. However, even is such cases, you can find smart ways to manage social dynamics and not deal with them too often.

The one thing you don’t want to do is go into a never-ending psychological battle with an attention whore, trying to outsmart them, dominate them, ruin their reputation or steal their attention. You’ll only end up looking really insecure or an attention whore yourself.

My belief is that a fulfilling interpersonal life gravitates around emotionally healthy people. This is the kind of person you want to be and the kind of persons you want to surround yourself with. Any other way simply will not do.

Image courtesy of Rooney

Filed Under: Attitude, Communication Skills Tagged With: attention, dealing, whore 32 Comments

Eduard April 1, 2011

Are Your ‘Friends’ Holding You Back?

A few years ago, I was learning to be more spontaneous in social interactions and practicing saying whatever popped into my mind without thinking twice. I ended up saying a lot of witty and creative stuff, combined with even more goofy and retarded stuff.

I remember that during that period, there was one condescending comment I would get once in while from some of my friends and other people who knew me. Or at least they thought they knew me.

“This Isn’t You”

That comment was like a subtle sting: “This isn’t you”, those people would say.

I was puzzled by the remark. What did they expect? I was getting out of my comfort zone and trying new ways of behaving socially in order to sharpen my people skills. Of course I was acting somewhat out of character!

I later started to notice that some of my communication coaching clients were getting the exact same comment from some of their friends during their conscious growth process. Often it was phrased in the exact same words, like some sort of popular slogan.

Why People Reject the Changes in Others

Let’s take a look at the psychology behind this occurrence. What you’ll learn may surprise you.

I think that most of the time, the people who make this kind of a remark, especially your friends, are not ill intentioned. It’s just that they are not used to people consciously changing and it’s something that goes beyond their comprehension.

You see, the average Joe or Jane out there barely changes anymore in terms of personality after the age of 18. If they do change, it’s not a voluntary change; it’s the involuntary results of an external change in their life: new job, promotion, marriage, breakup, business failure, etc.

They are used with adult people having a fixed and predictable personality. So when a person in their social circle voluntarily behaves in a new and unpredicted way, this can actually be anxiety producing for them. They don’t understand what’s going on because they don’t understand conscious growth, so they reject it.

There is another common explanation, and this one has less to do with ignorance. It has more to do with self-interest or envy.

It’s important to realize that for some individuals, your change is not in their interest. The friend who brags all the time doesn’t want you to start teasing them for being such an attention-seeker. The colleague who is less competent than you doesn’t want you to become more self-assured and advance your career, while their career is stalling.

The fact is that most people, as kind and noble as they like to seem, are actually quite egocentric. This is not necessarily bad for them, but it can be for you. On top of that add all the envious people out there, and it all makes sense.

Smart Comebacks for Dumb Comments

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to not take comments like the one I’m talking about too seriously. From my perspective, the best thing you can do is to just let them slide.

Occasionally, you may want to have a short comeback to that kind of a comment, but make sure you don’t get into a debate. Here are some smartass comebacks to the remark “this isn’t you”, for your inspiration:

“Me is a very slippery concept right now.”
“That’s because I have multiple personality disorder.”
“Really? Well, who the hell is it then?”
“You’ve noticed” (my favorite, a James Bond line).

Whatever you do, don’t let such remarks from friends or other people in your life make you feel bad and give up on your self-improvement. If you know why you’re behaving differently and you believe it’s the right thing for you, that’s good enough.

In the long run, if the people you call your friends are constantly opposing your growth through their attitudes, whether it’s due to ignorance, self-interest or envy, it’s time to consider applying your people skills in changing your social circle.

If personal development is important for you, then you want the kind of persons in your life that value it as well, not the kind that don’t even know the concept.

Image courtesy of Brian Auer

Filed Under: Communication Skills, Inspirational, Relationships Tagged With: are, back, friends, holding, you, your 10 Comments

Eduard February 1, 2011

How to Start a Conversation

Some people seem to naturally know how to start a conversation. They can kickoff conversations anywhere, from a party, to a seminar, to a queue at the supermarket. I’ve always admired these rare people.

On the other hand, working as a social confidence coach, I often meet people who don’t know how to start a conversation and struggle with this, either all around or in particular types of situations.

Learning how to start a conversation easily and effectively has been one of the key points in developing my people skills, and this is a big part of why I also enjoy teaching it.

Forget What You Thought You Knew About Starting a Conversation

Chances are, you already have a baggage of concepts on how to start a conversation from word of mouth, family education, books and articles.

My first recommendation in order to boost your conversation skills is to leave them behind, because most of them probably come from limiting mindsets. I’m talking about mindsets that overemphasize the importance of politeness or make impressing others the conversational priority.

I find that most advice on how to start a conversation makes you come off either rigid and insecure (at best) or creepy (at worst). So I’m going to take you into a somewhat different frame for starting conversations.

I think you first need to get a good idea of how to develop your conversation confidence. Once you get the attitude component handled, starting conversations with anyone becomes a walk in the park.

Check out my instructional presentation on this topic on this page, which will teach you a simple, 3-step formula for developing your conversation confidence.

The Golden Rule: Be Friendly

Forget about impressing people right off the bat when you start a conversation. You’ll have plenty of time to impress with your slick, charming self. I have one golden rule for starting a conversation and that is to be, or at least appear, friendly.

Your goal is not to impress, it is to show that you are a relaxed and sociable person who wants to have an enjoyable chat. That’s the best way to engage another person in a conversation.

When I work with my clients to help them improve the way they initiate a conversation, we focus on developing a friendly vibe more than anything else. And a friendly vibe is demonstrated mostly by your non-verbals.

So instead of focusing on coming up with clever conversation starters that will instantly woo the other person, focus on:

Smiling and holding eye contact;
Breathing regularly and relaxing your body;
Keeping your posture open and non-threatening.

Ask Good Questions

One of the most important tools for engaging another person in a conversation is your curiosity. Your curiosity best manifests itself in the way you ask questions, which is one people skill I think is critical.

First of all, you want to ask big, open-ended questions that require more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer and create for the other person the context to really talk about themselves.

Secondly, you don’t want to stick with the typical questions as conversation starters just because other people do so. The questions you ask, in my view, should be authentic and reflect your honest interests. You have much better chances of taking a conversation somewhere by putting your real interests forward.

Yes, Preparation Is Fine

If you struggle with starting conversations with some people or in some contexts, it’s OK to use conversation starters you’ve learned ahead of time and practiced before. Equipped with good conversation starters, you will have a tool for engaging people and you will feel more at ease.

However, it’s really dangerous to become depended on lines and conversation starters. This instructional presentation on conversation confidence I made explains why. If you have trouble starting conversations, it’s a must to check it out.

On the other hand keep in mind that at a certain point, as your conversation and people skills sharpen, memorized conversations starters are best to be left behind. Furthermore, remember that good conversation starters reflect your authentic curiosity. They’re not lines you use robotically; they’re adjusted to you and to the social context.

A Conversation Is a Two-Way Street

I often find that lots of people hesitate to talk about themselves, especially at the beginning of a conversation. They may believe it’s impolite or they may not be comfortable with opening up, so they choose to bombard the other person with questions as an alternative.

Nobody wants to feel like they’re in an interrogatory when they’re having a conversation: What do you do? Where do you live? Where do you work? Where are you from? What hobbies do you have? That is too many questions for two minutes of conversation.

Study people who are able to start conversations with ease in a semi-obsessive-compulsive manner like I did, and you’ll notice they are very open and talkative, and they have something to say about almost anything. This is why I believe that learning how to start a conversation is an exercise in opening up more.

If I were to synthesize how to start a conversation in one concise phrase, it would be this: have a combination of friendliness, curiosity, authenticity and verve. This mix is an almost magical key which opens many doors in social interactions. And more open doors mean more options.

Image courtesy of Batara

Filed Under: Communication Skills, People Skills Tagged With: conversation, how, start, to 16 Comments

Eduard January 6, 2011

How to Make Small Talk

Many people don’t know how to make small talk. Often, these people are busy, results-oriented individuals, they have big goals and they don’t see the point of making small talk.

Thus, there is a double challenge I’m going to address here: not only clarifying how to makes small talk with style, but also what is it’s precise significance in social situations and interactions.

Why Making Small Talk Matters

Small talk is often seen as meaningless conversation motivated by social politeness: It lacks meaning and value, but you do it because that’s the proper thing. Well, I couldn’t disagree more with this idea.

In my definition, small talk is conversation on safe and somewhat superficial subjects (the weather, the news, the hottest movies or the latest fashion), but it is not meaningless conversation.

Personally, I’ve learned to stay away from meaningless conversation. If I don’t enjoy it and don’t find significance in it, I do one of two things: I change the subject or I eject. Other than the topic, there is nothing small about small talk and this is why knowing how to make small talk matters as a people skill.

Before anything else, you need to realize that if you struggle with making small talk, it’s to a large extent a confidence issue. People who are confident in social interactions are naturally able to make small talk and connect with others.

So one way or another, you’ll need to get this handled. My conversation confidence presentation will provide you a solid foundation for this. So check it out here for free and learn the secrets to being a confident conversationalist. It’s loaded with practical advice.

Keep It Meaningful

Making small talk makes a lot of sense with people you’ve just met. Imagine asking a person you know for 30 seconds: “So, how’s you sex life?” That is waaay too intrusive! Small talk on the other hand provides a method to ease into the discussion.

When I make small talk, the subjects may be superficial for comfort, but they’re subjects I care about and I approach in straightforward manner, staying away from clichés. This way, I make the discussion meaningful for me and frequently, as a result, for the other person.

Even if I’ll chat with a person I’ve just met about the weather, I’ll make the conversation meaningful. For example, if it’s winter I’ll mention how I don’t like the cold weather, how it probably has something to do with the fact I was born in mid-summer and how I can’t wait for the summer and the sunny beach.

Focus on what is interesting as a topic and on what is real within you. You’ll make the talk fun even though you keep it small.

Have a Life

It’s easy to make small talk when you have a lot of things to chat about. One key realization I had as a social confidence coach is that people who know how to make small talk well have a rich inner and especially outer life.

Conversation is for them just a matter of expressing that. It’s much harder to make small talk well when all you do is work a repetitive job or play on the computer all day.

A rich lifestyle creates content and it helps you engage others. If you don’t have one, it’s time to create it: read, travel, try new things, take on various hobbies, do some charity work and of course, socialize. Not only that this will help your conversations, but it will make your whole life a lot more rewarding as well.

Care about the Vibe More Than About the Topic

A conversation is much more than an exchange of facts and ideas. It is an exchange of energy. What many people miss is that when you know how to make small talk, it means you can create a positive exchange of energy.

The topic is just an excuse, so it doesn’t have to be a deep topic. When I’m out with my friends, we’ll spend hours talking about clothes, pubs, scooters or trends. And we’ll have a blast because the vibe of the entire interaction is positive and relaxed.

When you’re making small talk, you want to focus more on being friendly and positive than on picking the right topic or saying the right things. Smile, relax, joke around, be spontaneous and be silly.

Remember that your vibe comes mainly from your attitude, and watch this instructional presentation I created, as it will give you a sensible guide to improving your confidence in social interactions.

Don’t Get Stuck In Small Talk

Last but not least, keep in mind that small talk is not a destination. It’s just a temporary station. If an interaction with a person goes well, do move the conversation to deeper and more personal topics.

You can talk about topics such as family and relationships, career plans, life goals, challenges and so on. You now find yourself in a new land: the land of big talk.

Ultimately, a strong bond between two people is created when they talk about the most meaningful things, in the most meaningful way. Conversation is very much like a journey into a mysterious forest, and a deeper you go in it, the more intriguing it gets.

I believe that knowing how to make small talk is one of the key people skills to master. From there, if you also know how to have charisma and engage others in more intimate conversation, you can get outstanding results with people and you can build a highly fulfilling social life for yourself.

Image courtesy of Ivan Makarov

Filed Under: Communication Skills, People Skills Tagged With: how, make, small, talk 16 Comments

Eduard November 18, 2010

10 Effective Communication Tips from 10 Awesome Online Communicators

In the past year, I’ve had the privilege of interacting with some of the best online communicators and personal development bloggers out there.

What impressed me the most about them is this: not only do they share wisdom about career, success, life, and people skills, but they do so in a high-impact communication style, built around their unique personalities.

Therefore, I’ve asked 10 awesome online communicators I know to provide some insights into both online and offline communication, by answering one fundamental question:

What is one key lesson about effective communication that you’ve learned?

The following are their answers.

Mars Dorian

Blog: Mars Dorian; Follow Mars on Twitter

The most important thing that I have learned is to appeal to people’s self-interest. This doesn’t sound very romantic, but it rocks beyond belief. Walking in the shoes of the person I’m communicating with is super-helpful. I always ask myself: Why should they care? What’s in it for them?

And whenever I follow this principle, I enjoy a conversation that is both high quality and valuable. Find a common ground which rocks for both of you. If you do, you are in for a treat!

Dragos Roua

Blog: Dragos Roua; Follow Dragos on Twitter

Listening is the key, if you want to communicate effectively. Listening to what your partner is saying, not to what you’re hearing. Many of the messages we get are unconsciously filtered by our own life experiences. Take a step back, look at yourself from a distance and you’ll have a better understanding of the conversation.

Listen to yourself also. Maybe you want to say something but your brains are just cheating on you. Stay there, be in the moment and pay attention to what you are saying. Truth is, a big part of our conversation “noise” is self-generated. So, the more you clean up your own lenses, the clearer the conversation you’ll generate will be.

Dirk De Bruin (Diggy)

Blog: Upgrade Reality; Follow Diggy on Twitter

I feel that effective communication is about simplicity and specific instructions or details. The less words you need to use and the less complicated those words are to bring your point across, the easier other people will understand. If something is easy to comprehend, people will pay attention and are more likely to engage with you or become your follower.

Also, the more specific you are, the better it is. Vagueness brings about confusion which is bad for effective communication (although it can be good for marketing purposes).

Steven Aitchison

Blog: Change Your Thoughts; Follow Steve on Twitter

The one key lesson I have learned about communicating online is to write how you speak.

Readers want to read writing that is genuine, and comes from the heart. They don’t mind the informal tone, a few missing commas, a few swear words here and there, as long as it comes from the heart.

We live in a world where everything has to be perfect for it to be any good, but when readers come across writing that is from the heart, passionate, and helpful it is like talking with a real person.

The art of being human is being lost to the art of being perfect. I am not perfect; my readers know this, so why pretend to be perfect. When I come across writing that is genuine, is from the heart and downright honest, I subscribe immediately. We want to read about writers who are doing extraordinary things, and we want to know that we can be extraordinary too – genuine communication can achieve this.

Annabel Candy

Blog: Get In The Hot Spot; Follow Annabel on Twitter

I used to teach English as a foreign language. Often I’d teach students from different countries with no language in common. It’s amazing how much you can communicate with people using only facial expressions, images and gestures. But when we communicate online, usually conversational clues like facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice have been removed so we need to make sure our writing and meaning is very clear.

Use simple language online and short sentences to get important information over fast. Good communication is about being clear and leaving no room for misunderstanding. Don’t expect your readers to be mind readers. If you want them to take certain actions like leaving a comment, telling a friend about your blog or giving you a call to make an appointment you need to remind them to do so using short, clear and simple language. Your readers will love you for it and by making your message easier to understand you make it easier for people to share too.

Jonny Gibaud

Blog: The Life Thing; Follow Jonny on Twitter

We were given two ears and one mouth, this was not a mistake. Good communication is about actively listening twice as much as you talk.

Matthew Needham

Blog: The Big Red Tomato Company; Follow Matthew on Twitter

To my mind creating high impact communication is all about consistency. Not only in verbal communications, but also in images, videos etc. For example, it is no good promoting yourself as a clean living health guru, when your Facebook page and YouTube videos would suggest otherwise.

Too many people and organizations say one thing, but do another. Take Enron. Enron had the values of communication, respect, integrity and excellence which were posted on its website and its corporate corridors, but history shows us, no one believed them because no one followed them. If your readers or employees don’t see a consistent message, then you won’t get the results you’re expecting.

Srinivas Rao

Blog: The Skool of Life; Follow Srini on Twitter

The Power of Effective Listening: One of the biggest criticisms I received in the early days of interviewing people was that I didn’t listen. I would interrupt the guests on my podcast. I’d be eager to talk about my own ideas. I even got a comment from somebody once that said “god…you’re eager to talk about yourself.” In my own insecurity I trashed the comment. Fortunately I also took it to heart because I did want to improve.

Today BlogcastFM interviews have turned out to be valuable resource for bloggers and people say that I tend to get a ton of information about people in a really short amount of time. That all comes down to listening. If you just shut up and listen, people will tell you everything you want to know. In the 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene said that the person who is saying the least is a much more powerful communicator. So shut up for a while, and you’ll be amazed at what happens. (I know, ironic coming from one of the chattiest personalities in the blogosphere).

Farnoosh Brock

Blog: Prolific Living; Follow Farnoosh on Twitter

It’s not easy to pinpoint a single lesson on effective communication when so much goes into mastering this skill. Nonetheless, if I had to pick, the key lesson I have learned is to know and understand your audience, small or large, single person or a crowded room. You need to shape your message, your tone of voice, your delivery and your style to the particulars of that audience for the most effective results.

Learn about the needs and desires of your audience. Understand what is important to them. Listen carefully to them. Watch for cues and gestures and expressions they send. Then adjust your communication style to the sum of these attributes and you will be surprised by how well-received you shall be.

Arvind Devalia

Blog: Make It Happen; Follow Arvind on Twitter

The key lesson about effective communication that I have learned is to be authentic and to come from the heart.

People really get it when I am being totally present, honest and vulnerable and when I am willing to show them my human side. At the end of the day, they want to know that I am also just another human being like them with my own challenges, shortcomings and quirks, rather than some high-achieving superman. This of course applies to both my online writing and in my face to face interactions.

To summarize, there is no secret really to effective communication – just be yourself, be authentic and be willing to be vulnerable.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So there you have it folks: 10 lessons about clarity, simplicity, priority, consistency and authenticity as ways towards effective communication. If you want to find out more from these fine bloggers, I encourage you to follow them on Twitter and to check out their blogs.

Image courtesy of joshfassbind

Filed Under: Communication Skills, People Skills, Success Tagged With: 10, awesome, communication, communicators, effective, online, tips 21 Comments

Eduard September 27, 2010

Quitting a Job with Style

I’ll tell you one thing many people seriously consider after working with me in a communication coaching program: quitting their job. I usually couldn’t be happier about this, as I believe that quitting a job is a natural part of career progress, which we often postpone unnecessarily.

Most people tend to find quitting a job as a delicate subject. They see all sorts of risks involved and they wanna do it right.

I think it’s a challenge to give generally applicable advice for quitting a job, as the context can vary a lot: some people quite a job because they absolutely hate it and they run like the wind, other people quit a job even though they love it, because an even better opportunity arisen.

However, I can think of 3 people skills principles which apply in most cases when quitting a job. They focus not only on doing it right, but on doing it with style. Here they are:

1. Don’t say you’re quitting your job at first

Many people are quitting their job for only slightly improved conditions, such as a slightly bigger salary or slightly more important responsibilities.

Often, if your employer knows about these extra benefits you want to leave for and values you as an employee, they will make you a counter-offer which you might want to consider. I have many examples of this happening and the employee deciding to stay after all, with improved working conditions.

This is why I believe in these cases, it’s best to not tell your employer directly that you’re leaving. Instead, tell him at first that you’re considering leaving and mention the extra benefits which are motivating you to do this.

Then, mention that you would like to stay with them if they make you a good counter-offer. Only if they do not, you can decide and announce firmly that you’re quitting your job.

2. Phrase it in the positive

One manifestation of good people skills I find highly valuable is talking about improvements rather than about solving problems. This technique works especially well when announcing that you’re quitting a job.

Preferably, don’t say: “I don’t like this job and I want to get the hell out of here”. Instead, say “I’m interested in a job which is closer to my passion and I think I have the best chances of finding one somewhere else”.

The main point is to talk about the improvements you aim to achieve through another job, rather than the problems you aim to get away from. This gets the best possible reactions from others and allows you to leave an employer without senselessly breaking the relationship.

3. Throw a farewell party

I bet you didn’t expect this one, did you?

Many times, people will quit a job although they get along well with most of their colleagues. Their reasons for quitting have to do with something else. So it makes sense to say goodbye to your colleagues in a fun, memorable way which communicates how much you appreciate them.

I call this a P-A-R-T-Y! You don’t have to through a big party and invite all the company. A small office, house, pub or club party with your dearest colleagues will do.

By the way: when I see ‘colleagues’ I’m including here your manager, clients, and collaborators – anyone you respect and have worked well with. Believe it or not, a farewell party when quitting a job can be a very good business networking and relationship building tool.

I believe it does make sense to try ending a work relationship on a positive note and good people skills will help you achieve this. At the same time, I think the best mental frame to have is that quitting a job is not a big deal.

With this mind frame, you can make quitting a job a simple, constructive and even enjoyable experience. Who knows, you might even make a hobby out of it…

Image courtesy of Stuck in Customs

Filed Under: Career, Communication Skills, People Skills Tagged With: job, quitting, style 12 Comments

Eduard August 31, 2010

The Corporate Person’s Guide to Loosening Up

In my experience, there are a lot of stiff people in the corporate world. Their manner is so formal, their words are so contrived that they often give the impression of robots made on the same production line, having no people skills.

Whenever I find myself interacting with such a person, I have a somewhat hard time feeling relaxed and trusting them. And I find that most people feel the same way. Their conduct seems so fake and insecure that it’s hard to feel otherwise.

A Good Idea Gone Insane

Ask a corporate person about their manner which appears stiff to you and they will often tell you it is a business and professional manner: “This is how corporate people behave”. While there is some truth in this, I believe the formal corporate conduct has gone way beyond reflecting professionalism.

Dig a little dipper and you will discover a conduct which prevents people from enjoying their interactions and working well together. It is a conduct rooted in:

A false image of professionalism and the professional image;
A tendency to blindly follow traditions and conventions;
A fear of being authentic in business interactions;
Giving too much significance to clients, colleagues, bosses and their opinions.

My Top Ideas for Loosening Up

I think that loosening up as a corporate person is something anyone can benefit from and an excellent way to improve your business people skills. Here are my top ideas on how to loosen up:

1. Don’t wear a formal suit all the time. Nobody likes to wear a formal suit all the time. Not even James Bond. And the fact that official company policy may demand you wear a full-piece suit all the time is not a good excuse in my view. This is one policy you can bend. Try dressing in a way which still reflects professionalism, but is less formal.

2. Relax your body. Many corporate people I know have this really stiff posture and body language, which they force on themselves. A corporation is not the same as the army. It’s OK to relax your body and even slouch a bit, and you can do this while still marinating dignity in your posture.

3. Do joke once in a while. Some corporate people hardly make a joke in a business meeting or in a discussion with a client. They take their work and their professional image that seriously. Learn to have fun while interacting with others in the business environment and joke about things once in a while.

4. Do talk about other things besides business. It’s OK to be focused on results; it’s not OK to do so without adding a human side to your interactions. Make personal conversation with your clients and your colleagues; get to know each other as human beings. It is this human component which often strengthens the business side.

5. Avoid using clichés. The signature trait of a stiff corporate person is the fact they talk in clichés. They are so afraid to say the wrong thing and be improper that they end up only saying the old, over-repeated and predictable things which add no real value. Avoid this and speak your unique truth.

6. Do work you love. The more work you do which you are passionate about, the more you become passionate in your general conduct. The fact you enjoy what you do gives you more positive energy and more confidence to express yourself as you are. The most relaxed people I know are those who don’t care and those who are very fulfilled.

If you happen to be a somewhat tense and stiff person in your manner at work, I can tell you now that changing your ways and improving your people skills in this area will take a degree of persistence. However, you will see it happen.

As a final thought, consider this: you will be spending about 1/3 of your life working. Don’t you wanna express yourself and have some fun with it in all this time?

Image courtesy of DaveAustia.com

Filed Under: Attitude, Career, Communication Skills Tagged With: corporate, guide, loosening, persons 8 Comments

Eduard August 4, 2010

Top 10 Lessons Learned From Coaching 100 People

I have recently reached the number of 100 coaching clients, which I have worked with individually in just under 4 years. It’s been an awesome learning and development experience, not only for my clients but also for myself. I feel like one big chapter in my career has closed and another one is opening.

Like the end of any big chapter, it’s a moment for celebration as well as reflection for me. Looking back at these communication coaching experiences, there are 10 essential lessons I draw, which I want to share with you. The first part of the lessons is about the coaching process in itself, the second part is about people skills and how to improve them.

1. If you want hardcore results, go for coaching

You can read book and articles, you can go to trainings and seminars, but if you want to see the fastest, most powerful self-improvement, often in unexpected ways, choose coaching. The fact that it’s a 100% customized experience and all the focus is on you, provided that you work with a good coach, makes coaching one hell of a learning experience. I have rarely seen people improve and have such breakthroughs as they did in the coaching process.

2. Revealing blind spots is the key benefit of coaching

If there is one positive effect you can get in coaching better than through any other self-improvement process, it’s seeing your blind spots: revealing ways of thinking or behaving you had no idea that you had, or realizing their real impact. Often in working one-on-one with a person, the moment when she sees one huge blind spot she had is very meaningful and emotionally charged. It is an opportunity to make big decisions and create great change.

3. If you don’t follow-through, you are making a huge waste

One of the fundamental roles of coaching is to help you discover things which set the foundation for solid and effective future improvement. This is why strong follow-through is very important. If you don’t apply what you discovered through the coaching process and you don’t practicing between and after the coaching sessions, the results you’ll get will be considerably lower and less impressive. It’s like buying a Ferrari and only driving it at 50 mph.

4. Specialization is power

I don’t do coaching on anything. My niche is helping people put their best foot forward in communication and improve people skills; my approach is based on developing underlying attitudes just at much if not more than actual skills. This specialization helped me grow very fast as a coach and learn how to create the best result for my clients. After working with 100 clients, I feel that I am a true professional in communication coaching, and I have the real-world results to back it up.

5. Honesty is money

I once told a friend that one of the reasons a person or company is paying you in coaching is the fact you are willing to tell and show someone things others are not. For example, to the intimidating manager with poor listening skills that nobody is willing to give some honest feedback about. I am now even more convinced that honest feedback is one of the most valuable things you can provide as a coach. I think it’s a pity that such a scarcity of honest feedback exists, but that’s where a big coaching opportunity lies.

6. Communication skills are the thing to invest in

Sometimes I am asked why I chose to help others improve their communication skills instead of improving something else. It is because I believe that cutting edge communication skills are the thing worth having and worth developing. The right people skills in general and the right communication skills in particular can skyrocket your career, your relationships and your life. Everyday, I see the huge difference having and sharpening them makes.

7. The big difference comes from working on attitudes

You can’t really have awesome communication and people skills without the right attitudinal foundation. This is something which I think applies for many other soft skills as well. At the end of the day, your attitude will make or break your aptitude. This is why I put a lot of emphasis on attitude transformation and I work with many of my clients on changing beliefs, thinking patterns and emotional reactions. Often, it’s all downhill from there.

8. It’s about creating a unique social style which matches your strengths

I don’t believe there is one exact style of interacting socially which works best. I think there are multiple styles, with common patterns between them. This is why I don’t teach exact formulas for communication and social interactions, but rather principle and guidelines. The thing is to find a social style for yourself which capitalizes on your strengths instead of ignoring them or opposing them, and to develop that style.

9. A huge part of the improvement is expressing yourself

Most of us don’t really express ourselves authentically, outside of very specific contexts. We have learned to play games, to put on facades as a way to try and get the approval of others. This rarely works and it does a lot more harm than good in the long term. What we really need to learn more of is how to put our real selves out there, more and better: our needs, our dreams, our ideas, beliefs and feelings.

10. We need to teach people skills methodically from the age of 5

Well, we don’t really need to; we would definitely benefit tremendously from it however. Many of the problems our society has are the result of people not knowing how to relate to other people effectively. Even some of the problems which seem caused by poverty, corruption or crime at a first glance are often generated and maintained at a deeper level by people having bad skills with people.

For me, coaching others to improve their communication and people skills, combined with tuning my own skills is a very fulfilling process. One I will definitely keep at for many years to come. The journey continues…

Image courtesy of Voj

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