November 14, 2018

Why Trying to Look Cool Fails and What to Do Instead

A lot of people wanna be cool, and even more people want at least to appear cool to others. This is probably why much of the self-help advice out there focuses on how to adopt the external demeanor of a cool person, in order to create the perception of being cool.

It’s not an entirely bad strategy; a “fake it till you make it” approach can work sometimes, in some situations. However, there are some serious problems with trying to look cool, which I’ve discovered both through my own experience and those of my communication coaching clients.

So I wanna talk about these problems, and provide a much better alternative to trying to look cool. The major problems are three in number:

1. Improper Social Calibration

Successfully appearing cool is not only about adopting a set of edgy behaviors; it’s also about using them at the right time and at the right intensity. These behaviors need to be properly calibrated to the social situation you’re in. And if they don’t come from the inside, good social calibration is very hard to pull off.

It’s very common for men and women trying to look cool to go over the top with some actions and gestures. For example, many guys read online that, in order to look cool or “alpha”, they should take up a lot of space, especially when sitting down. But they’ll seriously overdo it. That’s how you’ll see some guy at a party, stretching on a sofa like a pancake, taking up three spots, and thinking he’s being cool. He’s not being cool; most likely he just looks like a weirdo.

2. Behavioral Leakage

Behavioral leakage is a very interesting psychological concept, which says that if you try to act out of character, your true character and emotional state will tend to come out in subtle ways. They will leak out, and do so repeatedly, despite your desire to repress them.

For instance, during a conversation with a member of the opposite sex, maybe you act confident and cool, and maybe they buy it for a few minutes. But at some point they make a teasing remark about you (maybe comment on your beer belly or something), and for a few seconds, your true insecure self involuntarily comes out. It can be something subtle like breaking eye contact, fidgeting, or nervous laughter. Either way, the person will probably tell that you’re actually not as confident as you initially seemed. Even if you get back into your act really fast, your insecurity has leaked out.

3. The High Energy Drain

Since trying to appear cool through deliberate actions entails playing a role, it will be very demanding on your mental and physical energy. It’s hard to keep up an act, even for a short while. Many of my coaching clients have shared with me that when they were acting out of character, even a 45-minute conversation with another person for a coffee was exhausting.

Since the energy drain of trying to look cool is high, it means you can’t keep up the act for too long. Eventually, the large part of your real self will come out with bells and whistles, especially as you interact repeatedly with someone and you end up having longer interactions. And even if you can keep up the act, it takes all the fun out of socializing.

So, due to improper calibration, behavioral leakage and the high energy drain, trying to appear cool to others is not a good strategy. What’s the alternative then? There is a very good one, which takes more time, but has a huge return on investment.

Develop the Mental State of Cool

Our mental state influences our behavior to a large degree. People who naturally behave and look cool do so because they are in a mental state conducive to that, which I call the mental state of cool.

What does this state imply? First and foremost, I’d say it implies feeling confident and composed in social situations. That’s the main thing. It also involves liking yourself and having a positive self-image, which relates closely to social confidence. And it’s also about feeling okay being yourself and expressing your unique side in social settings, while at the same time seeking to stay connected to other people’s needs.

When you have this kind of a mix of attitudes, your social behavior simply oozes cool. And it’s not the kind of superficial cool that comes with having the latest fashionable smartphone; it’s the kind of meaningful cool reflected in a centered, expressive and appealing demeanor.

Developing the mental state of cool does not happen overnight. It takes some time, and perhaps some guidance. You need to work on your beliefs system and automatic emotional reactions to reach a perpetual mental state of cool. But it is definitely worth it; because actually being cool is 100 times better than just pretending to be cool.

I’ve been helping people develop their social confidence and the state of cool for almost a decade now. If you wanna learn how to do it, I encourage you to check out right now this instructional video I created, in which I’ll share with you some of my top psychology advice for building social confidence and becoming a cool, charismatic person.

Also, join my free social success newsletter, where I share regularly tried and tested techniques for improving your confidence and your social skills.

Personal development usually works best from the inside out. Build your social confidence, learn how to manage your mental state in social situations, and the right behavior and right results will follow naturally.

Filed Under: Attitude, Communication Skills Tagged With: , , , Leave a Comment
February 28, 2017

The Difference between Confidence and Arrogance

“Arrogance and self-awareness seldom go hand in hand.” – M, Casino Royale

You probably wanna be confident, and for people to see you that way. But you don’t want to be or come across as arrogant. Nevertheless, while striving for confidence, it’s easy to slip into arrogance, and thus get a negative reputation instead of a positive one.

This is why a discussion about the difference between confidence and arrogance makes sense. In it, I’ll be drawing from my know-how in psychology, as well as my 8+ years of experience as a confidence and communication coach.

Right from the start, I wanna state that there is no clear distinction between confidence and arrogance. These two traits run on a continuum, and to some extent, where one ends and the other begins is a matter of personal opinion. What one person may see as confident, another may see as arrogant.

However, there are patterns of social behavior that will be seen by most people as confident, and patterns that will usually be seen as arrogant. In order to understand them, it’s best to first get a good idea of the distinct mental foundations of confidence and arrogance.

The Confident Mindset vs. the Arrogant Mindset

Confident people typically operate from a very different psychological mindset than arrogant people. By understanding their mindsets, it’s much easier to tell them apart.

Confident people tend to see themselves as unique, capable and likable individuals, which gives them the courage to be outgoing and put themselves out there authentically. But they also know they have flaws, and they can be okay with them. They also know some people will simply not like them, and they can accept that too.

Arrogant people on the other hand, tend to see themselves not just as able, but as perfect. They think they are superior to everyone else, everybody should like them, and they deserve special treatment, all the time. It’s an exaggerated mindset, which leads to exaggerated social behavior.

Behind this self-image of perfection, deep down, arrogant people are often quite insecure. Many lack self-esteem or have an inferiority complex. So acting as if they’re perfect and deserve special treatment is just an attempt to get attention and social validation, in order to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy.

If you see yourself even partially in the arrogant mindset, I recommend you check out this special presentation, in which I’ll show you how you can shift your mindset effectively and build solid social confidence, using my own tried & tested method.

Based on these two distinct mindsets, you can deduce some of the differences between confidence and arrogance yourself, as they manifest in people’s behavior.

To visibly enrich the picture though, I will add my own practical conclusions.

The Behavioral Difference between Confidence and Arrogance

Here are some of the 7 key ways confident people and arrogant people typically behave differently:

  • Confident people are generally friendly and willing to talk to a variety of people.
  • Arrogant people are much more selective regarding who they talk to, often based on surface traits such as looks, clothing, or status symbols.
  • Confident people are talkative and they like to share themselves, but they’re also good listeners and they like to get to know others.
  • Arrogant people like to talk constantly in conversation, and they rarely care to listen. For them, conversation is all about them.
  • Confident people disclose themselves wholeheartedly. They talk about the good and the bad about themselves.
  • Arrogant people actively hide their flaws, but they constantly bring up their accomplishments, often embellishing them. They don’t so much talk, as brag.
  • Confident people compliment and appreciate others, but they can also give them a negative feedback when useful, or tease them playfully.
  • Arrogant people only do the negative part. They frequently judge, criticize, mock or put others down, whether present or absent, so they can feel superior.
  • Confident people ask for help, but they also give help back. Their relationships run on fair, reciprocal support.
  • Arrogant people demand, take, take some more, and even expect to be given without asking, but they rarely give back. They see their mere presence as sufficient reward.
  • Confident people are honest and they keep their promises. They often feel remorse when they hurt others and they try to show it.
  • Arrogant people lie, manipulate, break their promises and make excuses. They rarely apologize when hurting others, as they never see it as their fault.
  • Confident people have an assured but relaxed and open body language in social settings, most of the time.
  • Arrogant people have a body language that’s typically inflated, meant to convey superiority and dominance. A slightly raised chin is like their trademark sign.

Taken together, all these differences in behavior between confident and arrogant people form two very distinct pictures. Pay attention to these differences, and you’ll be able to accurately tell apart arrogance from confidence.

If you believe you’re on the arrogant side, you can work on deliberately changing your behavior following the list above, to lean more towards the confident side.

Keep in mind though, that your behavior is ultimately a result of your feelings and mindset. So, by far the best way to be able to regularly act like a confident person is to actually be a confident person on the inside.

Becoming this person means overcoming deep personal insecurities and acquiring the right mindset, at both a conscious and subconscious level. This is a whole process and it will take some work, but it is well worth doing.

To help you take the right steps in this confidence gaining process, I’ve created this instructional video, which I recommend you watch right now.

In this video I will show my step by step method to change your mindset and build a strong level of social confidence, which others around you will plainly be able to notice. This method has helped hundreds of people I’ve coached privately, and I’m certain it will help you as well.

Confidence is a great trait to have, but when it slips into arrogance, it become toxic. That’s why it’s essential to stay on the right path.

For more practical advice on confidence and communication from me, please join my free newsletter.

Filed Under: Attitude, Psychology Tagged With: , , 1 Comment
August 31, 2016

Beware the Simplistic Logic of Most Self-Help

The self-help industry is booming; and it’s been booming for years. On one hand, I think this is great, because it provides people useful tools and advice to help them grow, flourish and make the most out of life.

One the other hand, not all the tools and advice being provided are actually valuable. In fact, based on my own personal development experience for well over a decade, and nearly a decade of training and coaching experience, I dare say that the vast majority of the self-help literature consists of naive guidance and ineffective solutions.

The biggest issue I see in most self-help is what I can best refer to as its simplistic logic (and I use the word “logic” hesitantly).

The dictionary defines the term “simplistic” as: “treating complex issues and problems as if they were much simpler than they really are”. That’s exactly how a lot of the self-help literature treats people’s complex life problems, and thus offers crude, superficial solutions for them, solutions which inevitably fall short.

So I wanna share with you some ideas on how this simplistic logic works and how to not fall prey to it, so you can find and apply the best self-improvement tools out there, and see the best results.

I distinguish two major manifestations of simplistic logic in self-help. Let’s tackle them individually.

1. Reducing the Solution for a Major Issue to a Single Variable

Most self-improvement issues are multifaceted and complex. It makes sense for the proper solutions to them to not be too simple either.

Whether you wanna have more confidence, better relationships, better health or more money, you’ll probably have to address and tweak several variables to reach the desired outcome. Because success in such areas involves an array of factors, many of which are necessary, but not sufficient individually.

That’s not what you’ll read in most self-help literature though. On the contrary, you’ll often be presented one-simple-step solutions to reach your goals, which address a single variable. It’s the all too common “just do this and you’ll get what you want” approach.

For example, many self-help authors say that all you need to be happy is love. Or that all you need for a relationship to work is honesty. Or that all you need to have a thriving business is to care about your clients. I can see how such ideas can be appealing, as they make success seem straightforward. But they are gross oversimplifications.

There’s a popular book out there right now that asserts the one secret to outstanding achievement is a mix of passion and perseverance (referred to as “grit”). The book does a good job of showing that grit is important, and it offers inspiring examples of people who achieved great things with aid from grit. But it fails to prove that grit is the only big factor that matters.

Indeed, grit it is as a necessary factor, but not a sufficient factor for great success. For every person with grit who achieved great things, there are probably hundreds who only achieved moderate success at best.

Grit alone does not cut it. Other factors play key roles as well. Choosing goals that match your natural strengths and learning from mistakes are two more such factors in my view, but there are likely more.

So, whenever you see a book, course or article stating there is one simple key to getting something, be cautions. It’s probably exaggerating the role of one factor for success, while ignoring the others.

2. Failing to Explain the Process of Changing a Variable

Not only that a lot of self-help insists that a single variable is all you need to change in order to achieve a meaningful result, it also assumes that once you know that, you can just go and do it.

It treats changing that variable as a simple, straightforward action anyone can do with little or no additional instructions. Thus the term “just”, which is very common in self-help advice: “just think positively”, “just love yourself”, “just be confident”, and so on.

What many self-help authors either fail to recognize or deliberately ignore is that such changes are not basic, simple actions. Rather, they are complex psychological processes, which entail a set of steps and integrated actions that need to be taken.

For example, loving yourself is not something you can just start doing one day, because you’ve realized it is important. If that were the case, there would be no people with self-esteem issues on this planet.

Loving yourself involves taking a series of steps, at the cognitive and behavioral level, which if taken correctly create long-term positive changes in your self-image. I talk more about this process in this confidence video. Telling someone to just love themselves is like telling them to just build a harmonica. Hard to do if you lack any training or guidance.

That is why in my work as a confidence and communication coach, I focus on properly teaching people the actual process of becoming more confident or communicating better, with all the relevant underlying psychology. My experience has consistently shown me that it is not only the best approach, but the only approach that works.

By the way: if being more confident in social situations is something you seek, I highly recommend you check out my Conversation Confidence guide, from which you’ll learn my step-by-step method for achieving this, which draws from my almost a decade of training and coaching experience in this area.

Improving yourself opens up amazing new possibilities in your career, social life, and dating life. But you can’t do it effectively with a simplistic approach.

As alluring as simple tips & tricks type solutions can be, it’s crucial to recognize they will probably not benefit you, and seek a more mature, complex approach to self-improvement. If a solution to bettering yourself and your life sounds too simple to work, it probably is.

For more non-simplistic advice from me, especially on improving your confidence and communications skills, I invite you go here and join my free newsletter today.

Filed Under: Attitude, Personal Development Tagged With: , , , 1 Comment
October 20, 2015

Why ‘Never Give Up’ Is Not Good Advice

If you read self-help or motivational literature even occasionally, you’re likely to have come across the advice to “never give up”. It’s a very popular piece of encouragement. Unfortunately, like much mainstream self-improvement advice, it’s also not very good.

The usual idea behind the encouragement to never give up is indeed noble. It’s the idea that your dreams are important, and if you persist in trying to make them come true, you eventually will, and that is all that matters.

But noble doesn’t mean accurate. This idea disregards some crucial aspects of reality, human life and human psychology, which makes the resulting advice really impractical and even hurtful.

3 Problems with Never Giving Up

I believe there are 3 main issues with never giving up.

1) It ignores the harsh but undeniable reality that you may simply be unable to achieve certain goals, no matter how much you try. Some things truly are outside your reach. The fact a few people have done them doesn’t necessarily mean you can do them as well.

Take the example of fame. According to a major survey done in the US in 2005, 31% of American teenagers believe they are going to be famous someday. But by its very nature, fame is something extremely few people can achieve: one in thousands or less. So clearly a lot of these teenagers will never become famous. This goal is unreachable for most of them.

2) It disregards that fact that the resources invested in reaching some lofty goal may be better used some other way. Even if a goal can be achieved eventually if you never give up, the amount of time, energy, money and other resources you pour in it might be huge.

And since these resources are limited, it’s prudent after some trial and error to sensibly consider if it’s worth further investing your resources in trying to reach that goal, especially if reaching it will not make you that much happier, or you might better invest them in pursuing some other goal. These kinds of practical computations are very important.

3) Your motivation system if setup to prevent you from pursuing unattainable goals, and that should tell you something. Have you noticed how when you fail at something big time, you feel down and lack motivation to try again? Contrary to conventional wisdom, that is actually not a bad thing.

You see, feeling down is, among other things, a way for your mind to try to make you disengage, reassess the situation, and possibly let go of an unrealistic goal. The problem is that we often ignore our feelings, and we keep striving for something we can’t get or we can only get with too much sacrifice. Then when we fail again we feel even worse, and worse, until it develops into a full blown depression.

It is true that we often become disheartened and give up too fast, and that’s when we wanna fight against the discouragement, but many other times it’s trying to tell us something true and crucial, and we should really listen.

When To and When Not To Give Up

So it is wise sometimes to give up. I don’t wanna create the impression though that every time you fail at something, it means you can’t do it and you should just quit. Certainly there is the common problem at the other extreme, which is that of the many people giving up too fast, because they make too big of a deal of any failure.

The message here is that you wanna have a sensible, pragmatic relation to your goals. Set big goals, seek to achieve them, and assess any failure rationally. Sometimes failure in reaching a goal is a sign you need to keep trying, and maybe adjust your strategy a little. Thus, it’s not wise to give up on a goal if:

  • You have only made a couple of tries to achieve that said goal;
  • There are lots of feasible routes you can still try to reach it;
  • Each new attempt doesn’t cost you much compared to the potential payoff, or
  • You’ve made visible progress towards your goal and you’re still moving forward.

Other times though, failure is a clear sign that your objective is farfetched or not worth it, so you might as well drop it. In the face of repeated, costly failure, when you’ve exhausted nearly every route and made almost no headway, it’s time to cut your losses and give up.

And giving up on a goal doesn’t mean giving up on life. Even if you fail at something, you are still a person filled with potential, and there are many other things you can achieve in life.

Even your initial goal, if you rework it a bit, you can usually turn it into one that’s more suitable for you, and you’ll achieve that one. You may not achieve the objective of becoming a millionaire, but you can still make a good income, doing something you enjoy.

On the social side, you may not end up with hundreds of friends who adore you, but you can still have a solid group of cool friends. You may not get some former-supermodel-movie-star to be your partner, but you can still have a meaningful relationship with a great person.

As a social confidence coach, I assure you these are realistic social goals, even if you’re very shy or socially awkward right now. You just have to find the right approach to improve your social confidence, social skills and social life, and use it some time with some consistency.

Speaking of which, check out this free social confidence presentation, and join my free social skills newsletter as well. I share lots of proven social advice in them to help you improve in these areas.

As you let go of unrealistic goals and you focus your ambition on bold but realistic ones, as you learn to recognize when to give up and when to keep going, you put your life on a path that’s certain to produce a lot of joy and fulfillment.

You hold the reigns of your life. Just bear in mind that not all roads are equally accessible to everybody.

Filed Under: Attitude, Success Tagged With: , , , , 1 Comment
September 20, 2015

Is It Okay To Be Shy?

So you discovered that you’re kind of, sort, of, maybe, definitely shy. How do you feel about it? What are your thoughts about it?

As a confidence and communication coach, I’ve talked and worked with hundreds of shy and socially anxious people. I’ve discovered they have all sorts of attitudes towards their shyness, and their attitudes drastically affect what they do about it.

There are clearly attitudes towards shyness I would call healthy, realistic and useful based on their effects, as well as ones I would call unhealthy, unrealistic, and mostly useless. I’d like to talk about some key attitudes of the former type, which I encourage you to adopt. They constitute a constructive, reasonable way to answer the question: “Is is okay to be shy?”

Being Shy Does Not Make You a Loser

Many shy individuals feel like complete losers because they are shy. At some level, some even deem they don’t deserve to be happy, loved or successful since they are shy. To them being shy is worse than being a leper.

This is a faulty way to view shyness. If you think about it, shyness is merely a personal trait that creates some negative consequences for one’s social and emotional life. Call it a flaw or a shortcoming if you will. Nevertheless, it’s only one single flaw, even if it can carry a heavy cost. It does not define you as a person and it does not make you a loser.

In fact, most shy people I coach have a bundle of amazing qualities. They are often intelligent, well-educated, creative, hard-working, reliable and caring individuals. And they are also shy. It’s just a flaw in a whole constellation of personal traits; nothing more.

By thinking that being shy makes you a loser, you’re only adding pointless frustration, guilt and sorrow to your life. Also, this belief makes you even more insecure socially (because, you know, you think you’re a loser not worth talking to), so it adds another layer to your shyness. If you have this belief, it’s crucial to let go of it.

Shyness Does Create Complications in Life Though

Although many people think they’re losers because they’re shy, there are also many people in the mindset that being shy is not a flaw in any way, so they shouldn’t try to do anything about it.

Some of them almost try to wear their shyness as a badge of honor. Some claim that “people are stupid and boring anyway”, so there is no point in trying to become more social, and they attempt to make themselves feel superior for being loners.

In my view, this attitude is even worse. It’s one thing to accept shyness as only a shortcoming and not feel ashamed of it; it’s another to deny entirely its negative consequences.

Shyness does create real problems in life. Shy people have a hard time building deep, genuine relationships with others, which are critical for our life satisfaction. They often feel lonely and depressed, they squander their potential in the workplace because they don’t make themselves heard or noticed, and they miss out on a lot in life.

As for the idea that other people are too stupid to be worth socializing with, that’s a sweeping generalization some shy individuals use as an excuse and a shallow source of solace. The truth is there are many cool people out there. But it’s much easier to judge others than to face your fears and work on overcoming them.

Do not attempt to deny the cost of shyness. It will make you miss out on so much in life, hiding behind a wall of rationalizations, when you could be doing something about your shyness and enjoying life much more. Which brings me to my next point.

It’s Possible and Worth Trying to Overcome Your Shyness

Fortunately, personal traits can be changed. The human psyche is fairly flexible. We can develop new thinking and behavioral habits, and with them new emotional reactions. More specifically, we can successfully overcome shortcomings such as shyness and social awkwardness.

Many shy people struggle in trying to overcome their shyness, but many of them succeed as well. As a confidence and communication coach I’ve seen hundreds of shy people who’ve entirely freed themselves from the shackles of shyness. The difference that makes the difference is twofold:

  1. The latter type of shy people had the right techniques and advice, whereas the former just used cheesy, simplistic and ineffective self-help tips.
  2. They applied this advice consistently over a period of time, until they achieved the level of social confidence they desired.

I’ve been coaching shy people since 2008. Based on my years of experience, I’d like to show you how you can overcome your shyness as effectively as possible.

This is why I’ve created a special instructional video in which I discuss the sources of shyness, as well as my tried and tested, step by step method for overcoming shyness. Go to this page to watch the video right now.

Also, I suggest you join my free social confidence newsletter for regular and practical advice from me, which I’m sure you’ll find very useful as you work on improving your social life.

Being shy does not make you a loser, and shyness is not a disease. However, it is a psychological condition with many nasty consequences, and it’s worth working to overcome it. You can do it. It all starts with making a firm decision to do something about your shyness, and do something smart.

Filed Under: Attitude, Psychology Tagged With: , , , 2 Comments
August 5, 2015

You Don’t Owe This World a Thing

I am psyched about the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie. I loved the recently released trailer, which I must have seen a dozen times so far.

There is one scene in particular in this trailer that caught my eye. It’s the scene where Martha Kent, Superman’s adoptive Earth mom, tells him: “Be their hero, Clark. Be their angel, be their monument, be anything they need you to be. Or be none of it. You don’t owe this world a thing. You never did.”

To me it’s obvious that many comic book movies are moving in a new direction with the message they’re sending. And, personally, I love this new direction.

Some years ago, comic book movies like Spider-Man used to tell us that “with great power comes great responsibility” and try to instill in us the idea that we have an obligation to use our strengths to help, even save, humanity.

Now the message is shifting towards what I see as a more rational and mature message, which suggests that we are free to do what we want in life. Thus, we should use our strengths to help others if that’s what we want to, but we don’t have an obligation to do that. I’d like to talk about why this idea makes a lot of sense and why it’s useful to live by it.

superman

Our Existential Freedom

This emerging idea in comic book movies that we are free to choose our own path in life can trace its roots in the thinking of prominent philosophers such as Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Camus and Sartre. I have no doubt that film directors Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan, who are responsible for the current wave of Batman and Superman movies, are drawing some inspiration from these guys.

The ideas of philosophers like Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Camus and Sartre were grouped in a philosophy known as existentialism. The main premise of existentialism is that life is intrinsically meaningless. It has no objective meaning or purpose, and our notions of good and evil are subjective as well.

This lack of objective meaning can be a source of dread, but it’s also highly liberating and empowering. Because it implies that we have no preset obligations in life; that we are free to give our life whatever personal meaning we want and live it in alignment with that meaning.

I find this existential perspective quite accurate. One could even say that “man is condemned to be free”, as Sartre puts it. But it’s not too bad of a sentence, considering how valuable the freedom to live how we want is.

Of course, we are born in society, which brings upon us a set of basic obligations, as part of a basic social contract in the absence of which society would not be able to function properly. But this is a very basic contract, with obligations such as not killing, not stealing, not beating people up. Beyond that, I don’t buy into anything else as a given obligation in life.

Overcoming the Savior Mindset and Living Freely

Many of us have been educated to think otherwise though. Parents, teachers, religious leaders, and many old-school superhero movies have taught us that we have some sort of immense duty towards other people. We have to help them, fix their problems, save them from difficulty, and generally be very nice to them.

I think this idea is simply unsubstantiated. Why do we have the duty to help others? No sensible reason is ever given. Sure, helping others will improve their life, it can also benefit us eventually, and it’s wise in many cases. But that doesn’t mean it’s an outright obligation.

Also, in practice, this idea backfires in horrible ways. As a confidence and communication coach, working frequently with men and women who live feeling they have a strict duty to help others, I witness this all the time.

Such individuals become pathological people pleasers. They always put others first and sacrifice their own needs for them. But they never feel like they’ve done enough for others and they constantly feel the heavy pressure of obligations. Ironically though, they often get very little in return when they need help, and they are often seen as insecure, clingy or needy, which is why they frequently have very few real friends.

One way or another, their bottomless sense of obligation towards others brings them much frustration and disappointment.

Again, this is not to say that helping others doesn’t make practical sense sometimes, because you will get help in return when in need, or that it cannot feel very good at times, even if you get nothing in return. It’s just not an obligation. Martha Kent is right: you don’t owe this world a thing.

If you’re used to thinking and feeling that you owe this world something (maybe, a lot), as well as acting accordingly, it’s gonna take some work to change this mindset. You’re gonna have to dig into your beliefs system and make some crucial changes there. But this is doable, and definitely worth doing.

If you wanna learn how to change your beliefs effectively, free yourself from the burden of a strong sense of obligation and radically improve your social confidence, I suggest you watch this special presentation, where I discuss just that in more detail and share some of my best advice.

Also, join my free social confidence newsletter, where I share regular advice on this topic. The help is out there. You just have to grab it and use it.

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational Tagged With: , , , Leave a Comment
July 12, 2015

Why Anxiety Levels Are On the Rise and What to Do About It

We live in a peculiar society. The level of prosperity we have is higher than ever in recorded history, our degree of freedom and possibilities is also higher than ever, and yet our levels of anxiety are higher than ever as well.

And it’s not just my experience as a confidence coach, which may make me biased considering that I work with anxious people on a regular basis. I’ve seen several important scientific studies that point to such a conclusion.

One interesting study for instance, shows that normal children today experience a level of anxiety that would have been considered pathological in the 1950s. And the study was done several years ago. Things have only gotten worse since.

Since high, recurring anxiety constitutes a serious health issue, I’d like to talk about the 4 factors I believe contribute greatly to this rise in anxiety levels in our society. I’ll also suggest some ways to deal with them, so you can lead a more peaceful and fulfilling existence.

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Nearly everywhere I go, I meet people expecting to live these glamorous, extravagant lives worthy of a best-selling novel, filled with fame, riches, power and adventure. Not just hoping, but expecting; and expecting all of this to come easy.

People get sucked into this dream of having it all and doing it all. And for 99% of them (which probably include me and you too), it’s just not a realistic dream. Not everybody is Bill Gates or Brad Pitt.

I’m all for aiming high, but it’s important to know your limits as well. Because when you don’t, down the path in life you run into heaps of conflicts between expectations and actual results; which is what’s currently happening to lots of folks in their 20s, 30s and 40s. And such conflicts are a major source of anxiety.

So keep your expectations in check and use some common sense when forming them. It will spare you a lot of senseless distress.

2. Negative News in the Media

The media knows that, sadly, people pay a lot more attention to negative news than positive ones. Which is why it bombards us with such news, and now it does so more than ever. And since mass-media news consumption is still a major pastime for most people, it means they’re right in the middle of this onslaught.

Exposed to bad news in large quantities, our minds easily start to over-generalize, and they come to perceive the world we live in is a much more dangerous place than it truly is.

Thus, many folks seem to think that poverty, disease, crime and violence are on the rise, when according to real statistics, they are nearly universally on the decline. And their bad views lead to irrational fears and lots of anxiety.

So, if you wanna make your life much more pleasant and your perspective on things much brighter, cut down your consumption of mainstream news and media to a minimum.

3. Less Focus on Deep Relationships

sleepDeep, fulfilling relationships are a powerful anxiety moderator. People with an abundance of such relationships typically experience significantly less daily anxiety than the rest.

Today though, we seem to be much more focused on money, career and status than on spending quality time with others and building meaningful relationships.

And when we interact with others, it’s often in shallow, restrictive ways, like the use social media websites, which does little in terms of enhancing the emotional connection with others. Posting a couple of pictures on Facebook for your friends to see is nowhere near as fulfilling socially as actually conversing with them face to face.

So it’s important to dedicate your social life a decent amount of time, and to focus on building and maintaining deep relationships.

If you feel you lack the social skills or social confidence to do that successfully, I suggest you check out this free presentation where I’ll teach you how to boost your social confidence, and also join my free social success newsletter. A lack of confidence or social skills needn’t be a permanent obstacle. You can do something about it.

4. The Allure of Quick Fixes

I can definitely see a high propensity for people today to seek quick fixes to their problems, even major ones. I suspect this issue is getting worse, especially when it comes to dealing with anxiety.

People often seek to solve serious anxiety problems with just a few tips and tricks. They look for fast techniques that will effortlessly get rid of all their worries. And many marketers are eager to cater to such desires with false promises and ineffective courses.

When easy tricks for eliminating anxiety don’t work, people often revert to the ultimate quick fix: medication. Anxiety medication usage has been on the rise for decades. But alas, meds often don’t produce improvements either, when they do it’s often short-lived (as the body builds tolerance to them), and they frequently have dangerous side-effects.

You definitely have reasons to trust that you can overcome anxiety issues, including generalized anxiety and social anxiety. But not via quick fixes. The truth is that you need a reliable psychological solution, which you’ll have to put into practice for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. Only thus you’ll genuinely solve your anxiety problems.

Interested in learning such a solution for overcoming social anxiety, which has been used successfully by hundreds of shy and socially anxious individuals I’ve coached personally? Then check out this special presentation I created. You won’t regret it.

Our world isn’t perfect, but it does offer some amazing opportunities. Life today is definitely worth enjoying. So if anxiety issues are preventing you from enjoying it fully, working on taking care of these issues may just be one of the most crucial things you’ll ever do. Take action.

Filed Under: Attitude, Lifestyle Tagged With: , , , , Leave a Comment
March 8, 2015

Why So Serious? 5 Ways to Loosen Up and Enjoy Life More

I’ve always appreciated considerably people who are upbeat, optimistic and generally unperturbed by the hassles of everyday life; people who don’t seem to take anything too seriously and are able to fully enjoy life as it is.

Such people aren’t very common though, and a lot of folks are actually quite far from being that way. I certainly wasn’t that way growing up and in much of my youth. But I admired this laidback life attitude so much that I put a lot of work into developing it and making it my own, which over time I did.

Nowadays, learning to take things less seriously is also something I often help my coaching clients achieve. Drawing from their experience and mine on this journey, I’d like to share with you 5 key insights for loosening up and enjoying life more.

1. Get Some Temporal Perspective

Whenever something pisses you off or stresses you out, it’s good to adopt a wide timeframe and ask yourself how much that thing will matter as time goes by.

How much will it matter one year from now that you said something somebody found rude and they got mad at you? Not much, I’m sure. What difference will it make 5 years from now that you made some banal mistake at work and your results were suboptimal? Almost none, I bet.

The truth is that on a large timescale, very few things truly matter. This is why looking at things in perspective helps you relax and not take minor issues seriously. It weeds out the unimportant from the important and helps you focus on what truly matters, so you don’t pointlessly strain yourself.

2. Look on the Bright Side Too

I know that looking on the bright side seems like a trite piece of advice. But despite this, it’s one of the most relevant pieces of advice for people who take things too seriously.

You see, one major reason why they take things so seriously is because they look at everything that goes wrong, and they lose sight of all that goes well. They see the cup half empty in any area of life, and this makes it hard for them to enjoy themselves.

So in order to relax and have more fun, you wanna consciously practice finding and acknowledging the positive in your life: your qualities, your achievements, your opportunities, the things you do well and the things worth being grateful for. It doesn’t mean to deny the negative; it just means to see the positive as well. Your happiness will improve significantly.

3. Laugh and Make Fun about It

There is something subtly powerful about laughing at a negative event and joking about it. It sort of tells your mind that the event isn’t that bad after all, since you can laugh about it. And once that idea has entered your mind, it will start finding reasons why, indeed, the event isn’t that bad. So you’ll detach emotionally and feel more joyful.

why so serious

People who are optimistic and upbeat do this all the time. Some of them can laugh about anything, and that helps them immensely. I’ve seen people laugh even about the sternest situations, such as having a terminal disease. Because they have this mindset like: “This is what is; I can’t change it, so I might as well enjoy myself while I still can”. And so they do.

We have a lot to learn from such people. If they can joke about a terminal disease, I’m sure we can joke about the casual hassles of daily life.

4. Work on Overcoming the Deeper Attitude Issues

Typically, taking things too seriously is only a symptom of much deeper issues. Often people who take things too seriously are perfectionists and they can’t tolerate imperfection (their own or that of others). Many times they have visible self-image issues, and often they really lack self-confidence.

When having such issues, even a minor failure, flaw or perturbation in your life can seem like a very big deal and have a strong emotional echo, even though at some level you may realize it’s not that big of a deal. The only way you can change this effectively is to address these deeper issues and fix them.

Fixing these deeper issues will take some time and require proper guidance. I don’t have the space here to go into details on how fix them, but I’ve created a special presentation where I explain just that. In it you’ll learn how your confidence and self-image issues arise, and how to overcome them step by step. So go here and make sure you watch it.

5. Have a Rich, Active Life

People with a rich, active life rarely take things too seriously. They’re too busy doing stuff. They don’t have the time or energy to dwell on negative events and worry. In a way, you could say that worrying about minor things is a luxury, afforded by people with too much free time on their hands.

So an effective way to stop taking things too seriously is to fill your life with activities and keep yourself engaged. Learn, get a job, pursue your passions, find new hobbies, do some volunteer work, do something. It will keep your mind too busy to worry, and it has many other perks as well, like making your lifestyle more exciting and making you a more interesting person.

Life is too short to worry about stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter. But that realization is not enough for you to stop worrying. You need to take the proper steps to change your thinking patterns, fix the deeper attitude issues, and learn gradually to enjoy life more. It’s up to you to do this self-improvement work and make the most out of life.

For more help from me in improving your attitude and your life, check out my free social confidence newsletter.

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational Tagged With: , , , , 4 Comments
December 29, 2014

Fixing the Issue of Coming Across As Shy

Working as a confidence and communication coach, many of my clients are shy and socially anxious people. Many of them express to me big concerns about coming across as shy to others around them.

They tell me that they often get comments like “You don’t talk very much”, or “You’re really quiet”, or plain bluntly “You seem really shy”, and they fear that being perceived as shy makes others dislike them. So they wanna know how to not come across as shy.

Of course, the reason they come across as shy is because they indeed are shy. They feel nervous in social settings, they keep to themselves, and they hardly contribute to conversations. So when their chief desire in social situations is to not come across as shy, it is in truth a desire to hide their shyness and seem this confident, outgoing person, which, for now, they are not.

This is an intriguing subject in my view, which is why I thought I’d address it and express what I consider to be some critical ideas on it.

The Deeper Issue Here

First of all, it’s worth saying that, clearly in my mind, the even bigger issue than coming across as shy is actually being shy.

Shyness, although not something to feel ashamed of, is detrimental to you and your social life. It makes it hard to enjoy social interactions, to express yourself as you are, to connect with people and to build meaningful relationships. Acute shyness is often linked with high levels of social isolation, loneliness, depression, and even physical illness.

That’s the real issue. The fact you also come across as shy is less than ideal, but it’s only a minor, superficial issue in comparison to the rest. Being shy is the major matter.

You Can’t Fake It

shySecond of all, it’s worth mentioning that you can’t really fake social confidence. Shy and socially anxious people would like to believe that they can just act as if they’re not shy, and that will quickly fix how they come across, without the need to address the deeper issue. But that doesn’t really work.

You need to understand that being shy and not talking much is mostly an emotional issue, not a behavioral issue. It occurs because one feels nervous and uncomfortable when interacting with other people. You can try to act socially in a way that’s different from the way your emotions dictate, but one way or another, your emotions will come out on top and they’ll reveal your true social tendencies.

If you wanna fix how you come across socially, you have to change how you behave habitually. And in order to change how you behave habitually, you have to change your emotions.

How This All Got Started

It’s useful to note how all this shyness stuff even gets started. Shy people wanna know how to not come across as shy because they are extremely concerned with their reputation. And it’s this very concern with their reputation that makes them shy in the first place.

What happens is that, because they care too much about their reputation and they have certain limiting beliefs, the shy person will fear that if they express themselves in social situations, they’ll make mistakes, or seem stupid, or something similar, and get a negative reputation. So they hold themselves back and they don’t talk much. Thus, they end up getting a reputation as a shy person, which is also a negative reputation for them.

So the shy person ends up stuck between a rock and a hard place. If they talk, they may go wrong and gain a bad reputation, if they don’t talk they gain a bad reputation. All of this arises because they are so extremely concerned with the way they come across to others.

So How Do We Fix This?

Ultimately, shy people need to put aside this concern with how they come across. Instead they need to put their focus on actually developing social confidence and overcoming their shyness. That will naturally take care of how they come across as well.

As I already alluded to, overcoming shyness entails learning to not care so much about your reputation, as well as overcoming several other limiting beliefs. This is what will free you to be confident, authentic and outgoing in social situations.

Working with shy and socially anxious people over the past 6+ years, I’ve developed a step-by-step method for overcoming shyness and social anxiety, which goes to the very root of the problem.

I describe this method to beat shyness and social anxiety in this free instructional presentation, which I suggest you check out. The confidence advice you’ll gain from it is practical, unique and to the point. So go here and watch it right now.

Also, for more practical tips from me on building social confidence, social skills and a fulfilling social life, get onboard my free social confidence newsletter.

Shyness is something you can deal with successfully. There are now fast and reliable solutions for overcoming it. You don’t have to concern yourself with faking social confidence. You can truly be a confident person others enjoy talking to. But you have to make becoming confident the priority, not merely appearing confident.

Filed Under: Attitude, Psychology Tagged With: , , , 1 Comment