November 21, 2011

How to Be More Social

If you tend to be shy, quiet or anxious in social situations, learning how to be more social is one of the most important things you can do.

Put into application the right know-how on how to be more social and you’ll see outstanding transformations. You’ll find it easier to make friends, get noticed and have fun in social settings.

As a social confidence coach, most of what I do is help others discover how to be more social and implement this understanding effectively. I want to share with you some of the key ideas that have helped these persons without fail.

I discuss them in more detail and also provide other powerful advice in this free presentation.

Approach Being More Social Progressively

The common mistake that people who want to be more sociable make is that they try to achieve this all of a sudden.

I know you may crave to be the person who talks with everybody at a party, tells captivating stories and mesmerizes others. And you can become that person. But not overnight.

It’s essential to approach this as a gradual process and take it one day at a time.

For example, you may start by simply getting out of the house more; or asking more questions during conversation, and once this gets easier, move on to something more challenging.

Focus on making progress, not on radically changing yourself in an instant, and you’ll get very far. Anybody who wants to teach you how to be more social and promises a total transformation in a flash is just trying to swindle you.

Learn the Rules and Play the Game

I big issue for many people who want to find out how to be more social is that they don’t have a minimal understanding of the basic social etiquette.

For example, they often don’t know if it’s OK to ask a work colleague a personal question (the answer is: yes) or when is it proper to do so (the answer is: after you’ve gotten to know each other a bit at a professional level first).

Now, I typically don’t give a lot of heed to etiquette. But there are some fundamental norms for social interaction that it’s good to understand. And once you understand them, you can feel more confident in social situations and be more outgoing.

So I encourage you to ask yourself: what do I feel I need to understand better about social interactions. Then seek this understanding you require.

Sometimes just asking some questions to a few more socially savvy acquaintances is enough. Other times you may want to actually pick up a book or do a course on social dynamics and the art of conversation.

One small warning here: don’t overdo it. The point is to learn the basic etiquette and try to comply with it most of the time. Don’t try to become the perfect conversationalist who always follows the rules. That’s impossible and frankly, it would make you quite boring.

Focus Externally, Not Internally During Social Interactions

One thing I often notice at people who are reserved is that they’re regularly inside their head while interacting with others.

They scrutinize their behavior, try to find ways impress, or criticize themselves in their inner dialog. It’s no surprise that many times they seem to not be paying real attention to the interaction.

If this sounds familiar, then a crucial step forward for you is to focus more externally during social interactions. Pay attention to the other person, what they’re saying, and sometimes observe the context you’re in. But avoid being in your head.

This switch in your focus will achieve two things: it will lower your nervousness and it will allow you to have better reactions during the interaction. In time, this will make you more confident to initiate interactions and express yourself.

Work On Your Self-Image

Whenever I coach a person and we explore their desire to be more social, we reliably discover that there is a deeper issue that doesn’t permit them to be as sociable as they would like to be.

Many times they have some sort of an inferiority complex, self-image issues or a lack of self-esteem. Having a hard time interacting with others is just a symptom, but it is not the core problem.

In this case, it’s essential to work on the deeper issue in order to get rid of the symptom. You need to change your thinking patterns about yourself, and weed out those limiting beliefs you have about you. Change your thinking, and you change your entire social life.

You’ll find more in-depth guidance on how to do this in my free presentation on conversation confidence. I recommend you go and watch it right now.

You now have the basic guidelines on how to be more social. In order to see real results, it’s important to capably put hem into practice.

Ultimately, it is proper action that separates the winners from the losers; the people who revamp their social life from the people who just complain and dream of a better day.

Image courtesy of Mark Sebastian

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: , , , , 3 Comments
October 31, 2011

How to Be Yourself

Knowing how to be yourself in social interactions is essential for building a rich social life and rewarding relationships with others.

And like many other people out there, you may need to learn, or better said, re-learn how to be yourself.

Well, I’m gonna guide you on this path towards confident and authentic self-expression.

The Journey of Learning How to Be Yourself

A friend of mine once went to a therapist and told him he wants to be himself more. The therapist asked him: Well, who else do you think you are?

It’s a thought-provoking question. As a social confidence coach, I think for many people, the answer is that while they are themselves most of the time, during lots of social interactions, they put up a front.

They don’t reveal themselves authentically and instead they create this fake social person which they show to others. This persona typically tries to embody all the qualities that others will like and approve of: niceness, chivalry, humor, competence, confidence, a good mood and so on.

Usually this tendency to hide the authentic self is grounded in some kind of insecurity, perhaps an inferiority complex or a negative self-image.

Essentially, learning how to be yourself is the process of dropping this fake persona, replacing it with your genuine person, and becoming comfortable with expressing it.

Now, I’m going to teach you a 3-step process for being yourself, which has been used successfully by my coaching clients.

If you want a more thorough understanding of this process, check out this free video guide.

1. Get In Touch With Yourself

I find that many persons have lost touch with their authentic self. They’ve gotten so used to putting up a fake self in social interactions that they don’t really know who they are anymore.

They don’t know what they truly like and dislike anymore, what they want, or what their real opinions are. Sometimes, they feel seriously alienated from themselves, which can be a source of anxiety or depression.

So the first key step in learning how to be yourself is to get in touch with yourself; with your passions, values, opinions and natural inclinations. The main way to do this is through personal reflection.

Ask yourself questions designed to reveal to you your real self. For instance ask yourself:

  • What movies do I really like?
  • What are my opinions about the current economy?
  • What subjects do I enjoy to talk about?
  • What values do I treasure the most?

Take some time to really think about these things. The better you know your true self, the more you can bring it out in social interactions. This leads me to the second step.

2. Make Small Steps Forward Towards Authenticity

The big practical issue regarding how to be yourself is that most people try to do it all at once. They wanna completely drop their mask all of sudden and be totally authentic with others.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You need to identify the specific ways in which you are inauthentic in social interactions and then correct them one by one.

You need to gradually get out of your shell and become more authentic. And you do this by setting small change goals for yourself and working on achieving them.

In time, these small goals add up and soon enough, you find yourself behaving in a radically new way when dealing with others.

In fact, many people may actually say to you: “Wow, you’ve changed!” Becoming more authentic leaves external clues, and this is definitely one of them.

3. Calm Yourself Down

The vast majority of people who have a hard time being themselves feel somewhat anxious or tense when interacting with others. And when they even think about being real in a context, their anxiety shoots up.

The trick here is to calm yourself down and assure yourself that it’s OK to be yourself. Nobody else is going to do it for you, or at least not forever.

You do this through your self-talk. The fundamental skill to master is talking to yourself, in your inner dialog, in a manner that’s constructive and reassuring.

For example, when you feel anxious and the need to hide your true self, you can say to yourself something like: “Is perfectly fine to be myself. This person will probably like me as I am, and if they don’t, that’s their problem.”

This kind comforting self-talk will make the anxiety slowly dissipate and make it easier for you to be yourself during a social interaction with somebody.

You can find out more details about changing your self-talk and enhancing your confidence in my free conversation confidence guide. Make sure to check it out.

As you implement these three steps, you’ll create a positive shift in your self-image and you’ll become a lot more confident in social settings.

How to be yourself is something that’s absolutely learnable. The important thing is to take the right steps, to execute them effectively and to be committed.

I’ve seen numerous persons dramatically boost their social confidence and become truly genuine when dealing with others. If they can do it, so can you.

Image courtesy of I’ethan

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills, Relationships Tagged With: , , , 5 Comments
September 29, 2011

The Truth about Being Weird

Me, I’m an oddball.

I follow a healthy eating plan although I’m thin as a rail (which most people find strange), I believe in polyamory, and I often say some of the most retarded stuff you can imagine in conversations.

Many of the persons I coach have this belief that they are weird and that if most people would know them as they are, they would ridicule them or reject them.

So they frequently keep to themselves in social interactions and they avoid showing their true personality.

I want to shed the light once and for all on this weirdness issue. This will help you embrace your weirdness and accept yourself as you are.

Pretty cool, ha?

Everybody Is Weird

Whenever I talk with a person that believes they are quirky or strange, I realize they have this mistaken feeling of being the only one like that. They think just about everyone else is normal, except for them.

In my experience, things couldn’t be further from the truth.

We all have are own peculiarities, we are all deviations from what is routinely considered a ‘normal, respectable person’.

Let me tell you something: that normal person doesn’t exist. It’s a made-up social concept.

The only reality about weirdness is that:

1) Some people’s weirdness is easier to notice because it has to do with the way they look, dress, talk or commonly behave, while other people’s is harder because it relates more with their intimate life.

2) Many individuals are really good at hiding their bizarre side and putting on what they deem as a socially acceptable facade. Get to know them better, and you may find out they attempted suicide twice this year, or who knows what.

The suicide example is a true story, by they way. I recently met this girl who seemed so normal, until… well… I dug deeper. I’m good at that.

Weird Is What Makes People Bond

Okay, some perilous types of weird, like attempting suicide or being a wife beater, can be a turnoff. Although, you’d be surprised how even a trait like that will make you more endearing in somebody’s eyes!

But the general rule is this: it is our weirdness and vulnerability that makes us bond as human beings.

When a person seems to fit the standard pattern too well, they may appear like a quality individual at an intellectual level, but at an emotional level, it’s very hard to bond with such a person.

It’s our peculiarities and our rough edges that make us human and allow us to connect at a deep level, not fitting some unrealistic social standard.

Here’s something essential to know about those individuals who seem (and I stress the word ‘seem’) to be very ‘appropriate’.

You know the type: great job, perfect physical shape, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t offend anybody, has all the correct opinions, etc.

Most people I talk with have one thing to say about such individuals:

Booooooring!

Unleash Your True Self

Now, taking into account all that I’ve emphasized so far, there is one proper course of action regarding weirdness:

Bring it into play!

Instead of hiding your true self because you don’t want others to judge you, consciously open up more and express that side of your personality you traditionally hide.

And I don’t mean express it just with some people, if they seem to approve of it. I mean express it with everybody, no matter what they may think of it. This is how you build your self-acceptance.

This only thing that should matter to you is whether you’re OK with that side of your personality. If you are, anything else is secondary.

In my case, I know that I have some bizarre opinions or I make some lifestyle choices that many don’t understand. But I understand them, and they make sense for me. So I have no hesitation in displaying them.

Ultimately, embracing your weird side comes from putting it out there more and changing the way you think about it.

More on this changing your thinking part coming soon, in my social confidence newsletter.

In the meantime, remember that everybody is an oddball in some way; and at the end of the day, those that show it confidently and unrepentantly have the most to gain.

Have fun and stay tuned!

Image courtesy of rishibando

Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle, People Skills Tagged With: , , 10 Comments
September 14, 2011

The Secrets to Conversation Confidence

It’s here!

Today is the public release of my free video guide, The Secrets to Conversation Confidence. Check it out here.

The FREE Video Guide

I’ve put in this 30 min. slide video some of the most powerful lessons that I have to share on how to become a confident conversationalist and live life to the fullest.

And this is not self-help babble. It’s very practical advice that I’ve seen work consistently in my 5 years of experience a social confidence coach, plus it’s well documented by the scientific research. In other words, you can count on it to really help you.

In this free video presentation you will learn:

  • The 3 fatal mistakes you’re making that sabotage your conversation confidence.
  • The no. 1 secret to gaining enduring conversation confidence.
  • The truth about positive affirmations and other such gimmicks for boosting confidence.
  • And the proven formula for becoming a confident conversationalist.

The Extended Audio Guide

This also marks the launch of my audio guide, Conversation Confidence. It’s a no-nonsense guide to making authentic, confident and effortless conversation, and consists of 4.5 hours of high-quality audio content, jam packed with actionable information.

You can find out more about it on the same page with the free video. Just scroll down.

Usually, when a person seeks my coaching services, they’ve already read a lot of stuff and tried a lot of tricks or techniques to improve their confidence in interactions with other people, either people in general or particular types.

And they’ve seen minimal progress, if any.

After just a few sessions with me, the typically testify that they’ve seen for the first time in their life incredible enhancements in their confidence and they’re getting visibly closer to the social life or their dreams.

Well, the Conversation Confidence audio program describes the entire method I use as a coach to help my clients develop their confidence in conversations. I’ve spend the entire summer developing it, and the method in presents has been no less than 5 years in the making.

The Top Advice for Confidence Enhancement

Moreover, the free video guide reveals some of my best ideas on becoming a confident conversationalist. I’ve made an early launch of the video to part of my new list, and I’m already getting emails of praise in my Inbox.

So, go here and watch this video. Watch it completely, and I promise you that you’ll learn powerful ideas from it.

This being said, this is the last email you’ll receive from me via Feedburner. If you want to keep hearing for me, join my new list here, if you haven’t already done so (yes, it’s the same page).

From now on, a lot of the stuff I write will no longer appear on this blog. It will only be available via email to the people who are subscribed to my list.

Stay cool!

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Filed Under: Attitude, News, Psychology Tagged With: , , Leave a Comment
September 6, 2011

The Ingredients of a Fulfilling Social Life

In the last few years, I’ve given a lot of thought to the question: What makes one happy? I think there is a lot of variation, as each person is different, but there is at least one common thread. And that thread is good relationships.

I think that, on the whole, the people with the most meaningful relationships tend to also be the happiest.

Thus, it’s no surprise that, for example, people with social anxiety, who tend to have few or no friends and rarely go out, are often also diagnosed with depression. Loneliness is not only boring; it’s also detrimental to your mental wellbeing.

Most of us lack a proper map for what to look for regarding our social life. It’s not enough to go out and hang out with people. A social life needs to fit some criteria in order for it to be rewarding.

Therefore, I want to talk about what I deem as the three key ingredients of a fulfilling social life.

1. Quantity

Yes, quantity is important. I don’t believe in having one friend. I also don’t believe in expecting your romantic partner to play all the important roles you want in your life: lover, collaborator, friend, mentor, therapist etc. You’re putting too much pressure on one single person.

The thing is that we have an array of similar but distinct social needs. We want companionship, but also romance, and fun, and deep conversation, and guidance, and support, and a massage at 2 AM in the night.

So the best way to go is to find a palette of people, each one with the ability to fulfill some of your needs. Typically, the more individuals you have in your social circle, the more of your social needs you can satisfy.

2. Connection

Obviously, quantity is not enough. You can know a lot of people, but if the dynamic of the relationships is not adequate, they don’t bring any perceptible value in your life, and vice versa. Quality is also key.

At a psychological level, the measurement of the reciprocal value two people bring into each other’s lives is something I like to call connection. A good relationship, in my book, is defined by a strong and rewarding connection.

This connection can be casual, romantic, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and so on, depending on the nature of the relationship. But it must be there. When you feel that connection interacting with a person, you know it’s a relationship worth having.

You want to have a social life with lots of people in it, but more importantly, with people you truly connect with. At the end of the day, you’re much better off with 10 strong interpersonal connections in your life than 100 barely manifest ones.

3. Authenticity

As a coach, a lot of the people I discuss with tell me they don’t enjoy socializing and interacting with others. As we explore this topic, what I discover almost every time is that they believe they must get the approval of others, and they act in a fake way during social interactions.

Well, when your social interactions are mostly about playing a role in order to get approval and avoid disapproval, of course you don’t enjoy them very much. Who enjoys being fake and on guard all the time?

This is why I see authenticity as a fundamental ingredient. The point it to behave in a genuine way around other people, instead of faking it. Thus, whatever connections you build with people, they are authentic and you can truly savor them.

I find it a lot more productive to meet lots of people, and hold on to those you genuinely connect with, instead of meeting a few people and clinging on to them no matter what. The later kind of relationships is simply not rewarding.

Conversation Confidence

I always notice one common quality that all people with fulfilling social lives have. This quality is what allows them to bring quantity, connection and authenticity in their relationships with others.

And the quality is conversation confidence: the ability to engage others in a comfortable and genuine matter, without making excuses for who they are. With conversation confidence, you can interact with others easily, express yourself and simply unveil the relationships that are meant to be.

Next Tuesday, on September 13, I’m going to release Conversation Confidence: a 4.5 hours audio guide, based on scientific research on the psychology of confidence and my 5 years of experience as a coach.

If you want to be a confident conversationalist and have a rich, fun and fulfilling social life, this guide is the cornerstone. With its release, I’m also gonna launch some cool free bonuses, as well as another website and brand.

Stay tuned. Big things are coming.

Image courtesy of Lulz Photography

Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle, Relationships Tagged With: , , , 4 Comments
August 30, 2011

An Empowering Way to Look At Social Interactions

I was recently watching Mark Sisson’s talk about The Lost Art of Play. Mark, who is the author of The Primal Blueprint, takes an interesting viewpoint on playing.

He says that play, in any of its forms, entails three key qualities:

  • It’s not directed towards an outcome;
  • It’s in the moment, and;
  • It’s fun.

So if you look at how many of the things you do on a regular basis have these three qualities, you can get a pretty accurate image of how much time you spend playing and how much time you spend being a ‘serious’ adult.

I think that in our society, we have this propensity of turning play into non-play (or if you like, work). We take a regular form of play, let’s say running, we turn it into a severe competition, we make it about performance and winning, and thus we take the unpolluted fun out of it.

Social Interactions as Play

What does this have to do with social interactions?

Well, I believe that social interactions are fundamentally a form of play.

I didn’t always have this perspective. As a pragmatist, I used to think that you should have a goal in a conversation, and ‘work’ during that conversation to achieve it.

I didn’t realize that from a pragmatic perspective, the goal of most social interactions is an intrinsic one. Paradoxically, the goal is to have fun and be in the moment, without any other extrinsic aim.

Looking back now, I guess I was defining social interaction in an approval seeking and superficial way. And I notice that a lot of the people I interact with as a coach define it in a similar way.

They make social interactions about being liked, being accepted, impressing the other person and so on. They attach a lot of meaning to them and consequently, they feel pressured to ‘perform’ well in any interpersonal interaction they have.

I’m not talking about salary negotiations or a speech in front of 500 people. I’m talking about regular, everyday conversations with friends, people they’ve just met, acquaintances, colleagues or neighbors.

Putting Play Back In Your Social Interactions

If you often feel tense during a normal conversation with other people, you can lay a wager on the fact that in your mind, you’re not treating it as play, but as something very grave.

Thus, you stress yourself during social interactions and you do so pointlessly. Well, it’s time to put play back in your interactions with other people. Here are four tips for this.

Tip 1: Start by consciously recognizing that most social interactions you have are not as serious as your mind mechanically makes them out to be. They’re not that big of a deal. You can allow yourself to relax and act in a more aloof manner.

Tip 2: Breathe. When you take something too seriously, you focus so much and you feel so anxious that you forget too breathe. So, consciously focus your breathing; make it slower and more regulated. This will allow you to relax and get more perspective.

Tip 3: Remind yourself that it’s play, not work. During the interaction, you want to constantly bring back in your mind the concept that it’s not that serious; it’s only a form of play. With practice, this will get easier and you’ll need to do it less.

Tip 4: Treat it as a game. How would you treat an interaction if you deeply believed it was only a game? Maybe you would joke more, be more spontaneous, slouch, or take off that silly tie. Well, do any of these things, and as you change your behavior, your feelings will follow.

Becoming a New You in Social Interactions

If conversations often make you anxious, learning to see them as a play and to have fun without seeking approval is not a walk in the park.

I just gave you a few tips. You need to acquire a new way of thinking and a new way of behaving, as well as a method to practice it systematically, until it becomes a part of you.

In less than two weeks, I’m going to release “Conversation Confidence”: a practical audio guide to making authentic, confident and effortless conversation. If you want to become a confident, relaxed conversationalist, and have more fun with it, this is definitely for you.

Conversation Confidence will teach you step by step how to transform your thinking and behavior related to conversations, and become a self-assured conversationalist who enjoys conversations like a 5-year old enjoys hide and seek.

I’m currently fine tuning this guide, and preparing it for the exciting launch. Stay close.

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Filed Under: Attitude, Lifestyle, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , 1 Comment
August 24, 2011

Where Does Social Confidence Really Stem From?

Social confidence is the term I use to describe the type of confidence that concerns social situations and dealing with other persons.

I think most people have a profound misunderstanding of what it takes to develop social confidence. The problem is that they treat social confidence like any other type of confidence, and they believe developing it requires the same approach.

But it doesn’t. And so they end up going on this strenuous and unnecessary journey towards social confidence. Ironically, they often don’t even reach their destination, because they took the wrong road.

Social Confidence vs. Mechanical Confidence

I refer as mechanical confidence to the confidence regarding certain tasks or roles, and how well you can perform them.

Confidence as a singer, as a football player, as a car driver, as a lawyer or as an accountant, these are all forms of mechanical confidence.

Mechanical confidence in a certain area is reliant on the education, experience, results and appraisals that you’ve received in that area.

For instance: if you work as an accountant and you’ve received training at a top tier accounting school, you have over a decade of accounting experience, you have done correctly all sorts of convoluted accounting tasks and your clients habitually praise you for being such a good accountant, it’s reasonable to have ‘accounting confidence’.

And it makes sense, as you’re likely a very good accountant, with first-class accounting skills.

In the realm of mechanical confidence, skills and confidence go hand in hand. The way to develop your mechanical confidence in a specific area is typically to increase your skills in that area.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t excellent accountants who lack confidence as accountants, but still, the fact they have those excellent accounting skills creates a solid foundation to develop that confidence.

Social confidence is different. Although for the most part, people treat it the same as mechanical confidence.

By this I mean that they think social confidence needs to be based on social skills and social likeability, so they try to increase these elements in order to become more socially confident.

Most people I work with as a coach believe they need to learn how to be funny, how to make captivating conversation or how to impress others in order to feel confident in social settings and become more outgoing.

But they’re making a profoundly wrong assumption.

The Truth about Social Confidence

The fact of the matter is this: social confidence is not dependent on social skills. You don’t need to be a master conversationalist and a charismatic person in order to have social confidence.

Sure, these factors can elevate your social confidence and it’s a good idea to develop your social skills, but don’t believe for a second that without good social skills, you can’t have and shouldn’t have social confidence. Because that’s a bunch of bullshit.

Social confidence is something you expand from inside yourself. Its foundation is not in your social skills, but rather in your thinking.

Some of the most socially confident people I know are complete slobs with no goals in life, and little intelligence, creativity or allure to bring out. They have little that other people can passionately like them for, apart from their confidence in and of itself.

Yet they can feel confident in a social setting, not because the people in that setting like them, but because it doesn’t truly matter to them whether these people like them or not. They don’t need other people’s approval.

If you’re trying to develop your social confidence by trying to become a better, more likeable person, you’re pointlessly taking the long wrong.

Really, the best way to go is to just work on your social confidence directly. Focus on weeding out your limiting beliefs, embrace the notion that you don’t need the people around you to approve of you, and your social confidence will rise naturally.

And it’s not that unreliable confidence you have during a conversation when you know the other person is fond of you. It’s a lasting and reliable confidence that comes from your outlook on yourself, others, the world and life.

Once you have this natural social confidence, developing yourself and becoming more socially skilled is just an afterthought.

Image courtesy of iChaz

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, People Skills Tagged With: , , 3 Comments
August 7, 2011

The Magic of Making Up

Romantic relationships: the epitome of complicated.

Once in a while, I like to surf on various personal development forums and read some of the recent threads. I can’t tell you how many threads on these forums are started by people who just broke up or they’re on the verge of breaking up with their partner.

They’re scared, frustrated and desperate for some guidance. It’s puzzling how most of us are so evolved in terms of the technology we use daily, yet so primitive in our understanding of intimate interpersonal relationships.

Over the past few days, I’ve been reviewing The Magic of Making Up, by T.W. Jackson (aka T Dub). This ebook is the leading guide for people who want to get back with their ex and save their relationship. It really got me thinking about this topic.

Feel free to find out more about this ebook here.

Is Getting Back Together The Best Move?

I know that many people, under the emotional turmoil of a break up (read: being dumped), have the automatic impulse of trying to make up with their partner.

It’s a natural reaction. Your mind is trying to get rid of the pain, by getting rid of its perceptible source: the break up.  However, before acting upon this impulse, it’s best to ask yourself: is this the best course of action for me in the long-run?

Sometimes it’s better to accept a relationship ended and move on, as hurtful as it may be at first. T.W. Jackson makes a good point about this in The Magic of Making Up:

The truth is, if you get back with your ex and it truly brings you the long-lasting happy ending you want, then the book has served its best purpose.

But if getting back together with your ex is only going to take you down a long and messy road of misery and unhappiness, it’s probably better than you don’t get what you want this time.

The First Step to Stopping a Break Up

Many relationships are worth saving. If you believe your relationship is in this group, the good news is that you can take concrete, strategic steps to stopping a break up or making up.

This video by T Dub has some powerful pointers on the mistakes to avoid doing in the context of a break up, and the first step to actually implement if you want to save your relationship.

Personally, I found the video not only insightful, but also amusing. Because the mistakes to avoid are the exact things I believe most people tend to do in a brash attempt to salvage a relationship and make the pain go away.

The best action steps are often counterintuitive. This is why, frequently, the utmost thing you can do is to resist your first instinct, think things through and act in a lucid, not emotional way.

Rebuilding the Connection

I believe that ultimately, making up is about recreating a lost emotional connection. That’s the only constructive approach to it.

Trying to guilt your partner into making up with you or to plead your way back into a relationship is either A) not going to work or B) work but get you right back where you started from in just a couple of months.

Manipulation is not a productive method to build any relationship, least of all a romantic relationship.

If you got into a relationship with a person and you both enjoyed it once, it’s because you had some sort of an emotional connection. But that connection either dwindled away in time, or it shattered all of a sudden due to various reasons.

Find a way to restore that emotional connection, and you have a healthy relationship again.

This is what I like about The Magic of Making Up. The best thing I can say in my review of this book is that it doesn’t teach you how to trick your way into a relationship, out of desperation. Instead:

  • It helps you understand what caused the breach in your relationship and decide if salvaging it is the best step;
  • It teaches you an effective, step-by-step strategy to reignite the flame, rebuild the connection and get back with your ex;
  • It provides pertinent advice on how to strengthen your relationship after making up and avoid ending up in the same situation again.

Check out The Magic of Making Up here.

If you have a relationship you want to salvage, you definitely need to read this ebook. It’s the best product on the market on the topic of making up and it will not disappoint you.

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Filed Under: Lifestyle, News, Relationships Tagged With: , , , 1 Comment
July 28, 2011

Feels Like You’re Running Out Of Time?

I think that one of the most dreadful feelings to have is the feeling that you’re running out of time. That life is passing by you and you’re not doing the things you want to do, you’re not living it the way you could be living it.

Really, apart from physical pain, I can’t think of any worse kind of pain than the sadness resulting from the perception of wasting your life. And if like me, you don’t believe in life after death, reincarnation or any of that stuff, and you believe this life is all you have, it only magnifies it.

Where does this very common feeling of sorrow stem from? In my view, there are three major sources.

1. Failing to Achieve Your Goals

The first source has to do with your life not turning up the way you want it to turn out.

Maybe you don’t have that high-level job you’ve always dreamed of, or you don’t make the kind of money you want to make, or you don’t have the relationship you want to have, or you don’t look the way you desire.

Considering that in the society most of us are living in, we are encouraged to set lofty goals for ourselves and build our lives around them, this source of discontent is quite widespread.

However, it’s worth pointing out that not achieving certain goals in and of itself does not lead to unhappiness, unless you attach yourself to your goals. Which takes me to my next point.

2. Attachment to Your Goals

Fortunately for me, I’ve met quite a number of people who are able to enjoy life extensively despite not having achieved their goals. I say fortunately because this kind of people tends to be the exception more than the rule.

Yes, they have goals and they work at achieving them. But not having achieved them doesn’t make them feel sadness and regret. Why? Because they are able to draw satisfaction from life in itself, not just from reaching goals.

Reaching their goals would temporarily increase their happiness, but that doesn’t stop them from having fun each day, doing things they enjoy, being self-amusing and making the best out of life as it is.

Ironically, this attitude of detachment, as most psychological studies suggest, will only increases their chances of success. Happiness breeds success even more than success breeds happiness.

3. Perfectionism

Last but not least, I think one of the central issues that prevent people from being happy is the tendency to aim for inflated ideals and only allow themselves to be happy if they achieve them.

It’s not enough make a good living; you need to be a millionaire. It’s not enough to have a nice house; you need to live in a mansion. It’s enough to have cool friends; you need to hang out with P. Diddy. It’s not enough to have a lot of qualities, you need to be perfect.

This kind of perfectionism creates the staggering situation we see today in developed countries: people have more money and more options than ever, yet the depression rate is sky high.

What gives? It’s only another shred of evidence that it’s not what you have that matters; it’s how you use it.

Stop, Look and Listen

Ultimately, I think in order to truly enjoy life, most people need to make a shift in attitude. They need to stop focusing exclusively on chasing increasingly higher goals and learn to embrace life as it is.

Now, notice I used the word ‘learn’. This is because it’s not something you just do. It’s a way of looking at things, at yourself and at life. It’s a way of living and a way of being. And it requires adequate practice and commitment to assimilate it.

Perhaps it’s time to put some distance between your goals and your happiness, and not let the later be dependent on the former. Aim high, but don’t be a perfectionist. Act to reach your goals and improve your life, never give up on your goals, but don’t let the fact you’re not reaching your destination dismay you.

Focus on enjoying the journey. The destination is secondary.

Image courtesy of wowyt

Filed Under: Attitude, Inspirational, Lifestyle Tagged With: , , 5 Comments