I got an interesting question a few days ago from a reader of the social confidence newsletter. He noticed that very frequently, in buses, on the street, in the supermarket, while waiting in line, people look intently at him. So he asked me: “Why do people stare at me?”
It’s not that “Dang! You’re hot!” kind of stare that a very attractive woman may get, it’s more like that “Wow! You’re weird!” kind of stare.
This isn’t by any means the first time someone asks me: “Why do people stare at me?” As a social confidence coach, I get this question a lot. In this article, I’d like to provide a thorough, qualified answer to it, and show you how to amend this situation to boot.
In my experience, there are 3 major reasons why people may gape at you. In more than 95% of cases, one or more of these reasons offer the complete explanation.
1. There Is Something Quite Odd about Your Appearance
First and foremost, your appearance may be markedly bizarre, and this is what gets people’s attention and makes them gawk.
I’m not talking about the way you look physically per se. Being fat, skinny, short, bold, Asian, Indian or whatever rarely gets stares in this multifaceted society. I’m talking about the way you dress and take care of yourself.
It’s common for people who get lots of stares to be utterly careless or clueless regarding clothing, grooming and personal style.
It’s like they never look in the mirror. They go out with unkempt hair and baggy clothes, they choose horrible clothing combinations, and their overall appearance is extremely sloppy. This is what gets noticed and it often makes others gawk.
Next time before you go out, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Note your clothes, their fit, your hair, your posture and your overall look. Try to observe yourself as if you’re observing another person that you’re seeing for the first time.
And notice: is something off about your appearance? Do you look eerie or unappealing in some way? If so, it’s time to start taking better care of the way you dress and present yourself visually.
You may be a very cool person on the inside, but if you dress sloppy, the first impression you create will be the very opposite of that.
2. Anxiety Is Messing Up the Message Your Project
It’s no coincidence that almost every person who perceives that others often stare at them feels nervous in social settings. Some of them have actually being diagnosed with social phobia or even AvPD.
You see, when you’re in a social setting and you feel anxiety, this will screw up your non-verbals, especially your facial expression. You’ll have this frozen, terrified look on your face, your eyes will be very wide open and your face color will likely be very pale.
This gets people’s attention and shocks them. So they’ll have the tendency to stare at you, perhaps even say to others: “Look at this guy/girl! He/she looks like they saw a ghost or something!”
Then you’ll realize others are gawking at you, which will make you self-conscious, which generates even more anxiety, so you look even more terrified, and the whole thing spirals.
In my experience, this is the most common reason why people stare at you. It is fundamentally an anxiety-related issue. And the only real solution is to deal with this root cause: to overcome your anxiety related to social settings.
Fortunately, effective, well-researched methods for overcoming anxiety exist today. Your job is to learn them and apply them.
I don’t want to go into this extensive topic here, but I do encourage you to check out this free presentation I designed, in which I cover this exact topic and I’ll show you the steps to take in order to build rock-solid social confidence. Please make sure you watch it.
3. It’s Largely Just In Your Head
It is also very possible that people in general don’t stare at you that much. No more than they stare at anybody else (yes everybody gets occasional stares), or at least not much more
However, your mind makes it seem that people stare at you all the time, when this actually occurs infrequently. What happens is that, since staring makes you feel uncomfortable, you notice it a lot and you remember it vividly.
You’re very aware of the situations when others gawp at you, but completely unaware of the many situations when they don’t. This makes your mind overgeneralize and create the erroneous impression that people stare at you all the time.
Nevertheless, the reality is far from that.
This is something you can overcome by paying more attention to the situations where others do not gawk at you or they don’t even notice you, bearing them in mind, and then trying to objectively asses how frequently do others truly gawk at you.
You’ll likely find out it’s only in a small number of cases.
That’s it: my answer to the puzzling question: “why do people stare at me?” Take this info, put it into practice and see what happens. I think you’re gonna love the results you’ll achieve. And above all, work on building your social confidence. I will make the biggest difference.
Image courtesy of Chibcha
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Just in general, your appearance doesn’t have to be unkempt or sloppy for it to be attention grabbing. You could just have interesting clothing/hair or nontraditional piercings or something along those lines. I think it’s silly to say attention-grabbing folks don’t care about their appearance; there are so many varieties of reasons to dress differently. Some people just like to express themselves outside traditional clothing.
I’ve notice that when I’m out in public people would look at me in a dumb founded way, where there mouth is open slightly and they have a glaze look in their face. I’ve tried to speak to them and wave at them, but they have a droopy look on their face that I just don’t get, of why they are staring at me. Was it something I did to them or said to them? I just don’t know…
I live in Mexico, and people here don’t consider it rude to stare. I think this is actually ok in many other countries. I feel it’s rude when people stare me down, an it’s very uncomfortable. I think that usually it is because of my accent or when I speak English, out of curiousity. Nonetheless, it is extremely uncomfortable when they stare, whisper amongst themselves and continue staring. If they are curious, they should just ask, it takes the level of anxiety down when they finally speak.
I just remembered how this guy had to stare at me during church today. 3 times and I’m pissed. What the heck is his problem??? Does he need to feel tough by staring someone down or what?? I hate it when people stare at me I hate it I feel like ripping someone up right now. And I gave 2 years of experience of martial arts. I’m going to have to start asking “WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME???!!!!!!!!!!” Straight up. I’m getting really tired of it.
For me its my Afro that gets me the looks, I like my hair but if I’m with friends around town, shopping or Because I’m shy it can sometimes make me feel really awkward ecspecially the faq’s I get from total strangers about how I get it to stay up this is REALLY awkward.
I love being stared at. People who stare at me brings up my confidence. It makes me want to dress better and look good. I am being noticed which is good and who ever hates being stared at than boo hoo for you. You will be stressed and mad all your life so live by letting people stare at you, staring is not a crime
It is rude to stare at someone. I hate going anywhere. I receive the most attention from men. When the women stare, they roll their eyes at me; However, I don’t even want the attention of certain men. I like to dress nice, but I am of afraid of unwanted attention. I would rather have receive attention from someone I actually like. I cannot live my life in the closet, but I don’t know what to do.
When it rains, you have to deal with the mud too.
I hate to say it but i cant stand some of my own race.Im black and my people are the most rude,ignorant, mean judgemental people you will ever want to meet..Cant stand to be around them.Some are so Stupid.I feel more comfortable around other races than my own.
Hi Shetee,
I feel the same i’m black and can’t stand their judgemental ways, i have had stress all my life for getting myself an education, good job and playing sports etc. I eventually realised the stress had changed me,my posture was terrible i walked with my head down and shoulders hunched. Which was making me look like i was angry, which is the opposite to how i feel, i had to change it with bodyweight exercises and Alexander Technique
Well I’m white guy and I feel the same about my own race. But at the same time I think of people as individuals so I chill with whomever I feel like I click with. But everyone’s different, especially me haha that’s why people state at me and that’s ok cause I know Imma good person and that’s all that matters.
You’re generalising and placing a whole race into one category. There are rude, judgemental, arrogant people of all races. I understand your point, though that’s based off of the people you’ve come across who just so happen to also be your race. Really it’s just a case of you having not mixed with the right people.
In some part of the world or country, where people are narrow minded, no well educated, stupid and self absorbed…they stare at people. According to them, they are superior. In face, it is inferiority is sugar coated with superiority crap. In low cultured societies, people stare more. They make it their business to tell people what to do, how to dress and how to behave…deep down it is all fear base behavior that they stare at other people. They are ignorant. Be like me or I make fun of you, this is their believe. They don’t know better. Just recently, I was in Tennessee and a woman from her car pointing towards me and saying laud that what is she thinking, she is wearing a warm vest in this heat and she was making fun of me in that thick Southern accent. When you consider the source, you know it doesn’t matter what they say or do. In most part of India, especially villages, people make fun of my sun visor. They call it a topee, meaning hat, in some other part of the world people are wondering, why I wear sneakers. They think sneakers are only for men. Women should wear high heal or some kind of feminine looking shoes…
It doesn’t really matter!
I have social anxiety and I always feel nervous and paranoid if someone stares at me, but if a good looking guy stares at me it doesn’t bother me as much. 😀
People stare at me,I hate it extremely. I consider myself as good-looking, so people gape at me.I have had forward head posture and hunched shoulders, eventually realised people used to gape for this reason.But, people still stare at me wherever I’m.
so I’m at a holiday in london and i’m randomly being stared at, and i’m not pretty and i don’t really wear anything other than blue and black, and i have REALLY low self-esteem and i’m super conscious, and i am stared at everywhere so i keep thinking there’s something wrong with my hair, and i keep needing to check my reflection and it’s really annoying.
I don’t know what it is but it never used to happen or I didn’t notice it, but now it is hard for me to even leave my house because I sense everyone staring at me and some people move away from me if I am on public transit and I guess its because I seem uncomfortable but its just so awful having it mirrored by other people, especially when it’s something I don’t feel like I can control (feeling uncomfortable). Social anxiety feels like having a disease or something I hate it. I have always been told I am attractive or whatever but this experience is making me feel horribly ugly.
I get starred at too and I thought it was only me but your posts have helped me. I think some people enjoy making others feel uncomfortable because they have low self esteem. I have to travel on the plane a lot to work and at the airport I look down to avoid the stares. I know I have been told I am attractive but the stares are rude usually from men I am married they can see that I think by my ring so I think they continue to stare to intimidate me and make me. So I hate going out when I do I just focus on something I like in my mind also pray. One person said they love people watching as a sport so to them this is just fun. Usually they look away if you try to look confident so I practice that which I am confident I just believe staring us rude. You can look at a person and acknowledge their presence without fixing your eyes in a gaze that they cant figure out why you are staring
I feel terrible when people stare at me.
I am a mixed culture background light skin girl with Liberian heritage living in Ghana, I have gotten stared at my entire life by these people, it’s like they never get used to me…. I have seen other lighter skin, even prettier girls than me, but they don’t get stared at, I dress mostly modestly, am plum shaped in the body, and pretty narrow face and kinda serious looking, but really friendly inside. I always dress decently before leaving the house, but I have no ideal why esp Ghanaians stare me so much, it’s causing me some emotional ????problems
I live in London , im a six foot, bald guy with fair skin and blue eyes with a small beard who gyms and swims everyday and i truly feel i dont stand out from the norm at all , but id say i get stared at ,at least three times a day …maybe more , London now has a massive arab population and in their culture its ok to stare ,but it grates on me loads , other reasons that people stare is because they find you attractive or you just “stand out” (my partner says the last one about me) ultimately , these people that stare dont really know the real you , and as long as your family, friends and partner love you , to hell with what people think
I always get stared at. I don’t know what it is about me, I dress fine, hair groomed and I smile. But people always stare and frown up at me for no reason at all. I don’t judge people, or look down upon people, or think about them in a bad way but it’s the opposite for me I get looked down upon stared at very rudely and sometimes even judged, but I don’t do to others not at all. I even get laughed at. What is it with people because it’s not me. I love the outdoors but the people are hard to deal with, I love being around people especially when my day is going along fine but people are so rude and disrespectful. Maybe something is going on in their life but you don’t have to take it out on me to by staring at me, frowning up at me, and laughing at me but please don’t take it out on me!!
I always feel like people stare too much and I dont know why. I have anxiety and that just makes me more anxious to the point where I pull out my compact to see if I have something on my face. It’s very frustrating. Sometimes it seems people are being rude and I want to tell them wtf is their problem. But I try to be calm and ignore it even though I can’t.
Keep in mind, a lot of people feel breaking eye contact is a sign of weakness so often times when you catch someone looking at you they will refuse to look away until you do. Most people brush this off or get into a staring contest until something interupts one of you, of course this could be confusing and traumatizing to someone who is already insecure and uncomforitable. Also keep in mind when you think people are staring at you, you actually look for it, you yourself make more eye contact than you otherwise would and end up creating the scenarios in which your being stared at because people may notice you looking nervously at them.
I’ve lived in Southern California all of my life. To me, it seems like you need to be a ’10’ for any man to notice you. Otherwise, you’re invisible to them. (Of course, I conveniently forget the men who are a little off.)
Though, lately, men AND women stare. I’m an introvert and have been isolating lately, due to some very harsh circumstances. My counselor noticed by (I think) my facial expressions or lack thereof that I have been spending too much time alone (hiding/ sleeping/depressed). She suggested some group therapy. I think that might help.
I was horribly rejected by some people lately and it’s beat me down. I feel as if there must be something very wrong with me for them to treat me like that. Maybe people stare because they see the hurt in my eyes or the despondency?
Anyway, it’s helpful to ‘verbalize’ this.
Reality is, the experience has left me shell shocked. I should have removed myself from the situation months ago. Now, too much damage has been done to my self esteem.
: /
People stare at me all the time as well and have been doing so since middle school days. I’m in my early thirties and reserved. I get stared at constantly everywhere I go from both men and women to the point that I really have to think twice about going out anywhere as it feels horrible and is aggravating. I know why the men are staring but the females looking me up and down constantly is not nice. If i’m in a queue and there are other females in the queue they will keep trying to sneak looks at me from a side view and will eventually turn around fully staring at me right in front of my face while I continue to ignore the fact that I’m being stared at! My friends and family enjoy my company but hate the fanfare that goes along with it. I always act like I haven’t seen the stares as I don’t want to give the females especially satisfaction in knowing that I’ve seen them staring but my friends and family always stare back at them and when they see this they look away in embarrassment. At first I thought I was paranoid but everyone who goes out anywhere with me say that everyone is staring at me. I have always dressed conservatively in long skirts because of the staring. Wherever I go other females are always breaking their necks to stare me in the face.
People stare at me ALOT, it’s not like my appearance is weird or sloppy or anything like that, the thing is I look like everybody else walking down the street, also it’s totally not in my head because I catch them staring at me and they don’t look away, it’s a bit creepy, because it is usually males (any possible age, from a kid to an old man LITERALLY) and it kind of scares me, I’m not even that pretty, I’m pretty average looking, maybe it’s my energy? Or my charisma? I really don’t know.
Usually other women are the ones who give me looks, i don’t know why, I do have social anxiety and sometimes get paranoid when other women look at me, but if a good looking guy looks at me, it doesn’t bother me as much,
for me well I’m skinny and wear big size clothes well that might be the cause of those stares but common even if I look bad or good if someone stares and turns head that’s really makes me awkward and makes me wanna a run away fast . it was this morning well I’m used to people staring at me so I always wear masks but this morning I hadn’t wore mask so this morning there was a lady in side of the road who stared so I walked fast passed her she even turned her head to my direction that gave me a creepy feeling is it bcz i look little foreigner or my dress is ugly or what cant understand
I’m at work right now and people are looking at me like I’m a freak show… I know that I have poor posture which I am working on daily.. it makes me feel like I’m a circus act or an alien. I would never went to make nobody feel the way they do. I feel that everyone is different and beautiful in their own right. Nobody is perfect but ppl. Love to judge or belittle things they don’t understand. I just wish I was normal And I could walk down the Street without ppl staring at me.. before I use to hate myself and beat myself up inside but I realized I am beautiful.. I learned that most ppl. That judge really hates something about themselves so they talk about you to feel better…
I get stares too. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, so Idk if it’s in my head. I’ve said this to friends and family members and they say maybe it’s cause I’m “pretty”. I’m 5’8, blonde, slim, dress nice etc.. but, since I have bad anxiety I can’t tell if it’s because of my looks or maybe people stare cause my face looks all weird lol
I feel more self concious than I used to. For me, it was some minor health symptoms that started making me self concious. when i turned 23 my hair started getting progressively more brittle and thinned down. it doesnt look bad at all but its so dry all of the time and it even hurts at times. i do get stares sometimes but as im a male but probably not as much as some women do, but i feel bad. because of my hair thinning, its hard to grow my hair out any more. my face used to be thin and taught, but now its the opposite. i even had one coworker tell me to my face, you have such a baby face. it was the first time in my life that i had heard something like that and it made me very uncomfortable. I also feel bad becuase eventhough im tall, i have had a really hard tkme losing weight. I try really hard but i cant quite get over the hump. I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel happy but my health doesnt cooperate and i get tired. other days its the other way around. I feel like im getting the anxiety part turned around at least. I just want to feel in control of my health again.
I think maybe it’s my makeup, skin color, the way I dress, and facial featured that get people to stare at me. It happened to me today on an escalator, the woman on the opposite side going down looked right at me and I stared back until she looked away. It’s so disgusting that people stare to judge you. I never make a point of staring at someone who looks differently. It really hurts my self esteem because I already feel like I don’t fit in.
I suffer from anxiety and thinking everyone is looking at me in a werid way. I am very self concious about myself and people looking at me funny all the time doesnt help my self esteem at all. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me the way i look physically. Im 29 years old turning 30 this year and i have suffered social anxiety since year 7 as a teenager. I now try not to let it bother me anymore i look the other way and always seem to be rushing, im always seem to be a nervous and im always stressing. But im a very nice person and dont tred to be out of place i try my very best to act normal and be a normal person but everywhere i go people give me werid looks.
Im a very small person for a 29 year old i look very young and only around 5 ft 3 in height and very petite and small. I am very self concious about how i look as a man.
I get stared at constantly. I dont know why. At the mall, restaraunt, work and at the gym. Im an average joe. Im clean and dress nice and mind my own business. I get the glares and dirty looks from almost everyone. They look at me like I have 2 heads. Maybe I give off a bad vibe. Im tired of it and ready to snap and rip someones headoff. Like mind your own dam business and keep your dirty looks to yourself.
I always say “HI!!!” when I catch somone staring. That’s how you can determine the intent of the stare and then decide how you want to handle it. If they say nothing back, it was malicious. In that case, be direct and tell them not to stare at people. Obviously you must fully assess the situation before coming to that conclusion. If it’s a bunch of thugs staring at you then its best to keep your head down.
I am an Asian guy. Not good looking, not bad looking either, not tall, but I do take care of myself, eg. The way I dress, I lift etc. I get stared by women a lot, most of the time black women would just blatantly stare at me. White and Asian girls would be more subtle. Latinas do not ever stare at me, or they are just really good at hiding it. I work construction and when I am wearing my work clothes and I am on the train, I get stared by EVERYONE. Not sure it’s because they’ve never seen an Asian tradesman or I have no idea what are they staring at because I am no Brad Pitt nor I am ugly to warrant stares coming my way.
I get a lot of stares from people almost any time I go out. I’m a 22 year old scottish girl, 5 foot 10 inches and quite broad at the shoulders so I think that is what makes me stand out. In my opinion I’m not that attractive, people often tell me I am beautiful but the media and all these magazines tell a different story. My parents have even said that it’s because I have natural beauty and because that is so rare nowadays some people equate it to being ugly or plain so it is probably that as well.
I got over this issue by being involved in theatre groups I have now been involved in 12 shows and been onstage I am now a dj with my own programme, I am also now incharge of a group of people in another voluntary job that I do.,
People look at me a lot, but I think everyone looks at everyone. I live in NYC and am a tall, slender, unique looking black woman. I’m a little lanky and probably have an odd walk. I’ve been lanky since puberty and now I’m in my 30s. People look at me, I think, because I am unusual. Most black women (and most women in general) are not as tall as me (5’10’) or as slim. I’m just a noticeable person. Probably tall blondes and tall Asian girls get lots of looks too because they are rare as well.
STARING, however, is extremely rude in my city and unacceptable- especially on the subway. So if someone stares at me too long, I will blatently return their stare, directly to their face without blinking, until they look away. I’m not afraid of confrontation. The only people I find really STARE are tourists visiting NYC, like from Italy. Maybe there it’s cool to stare.
People stare at me all the time and it’s annoying and rude IDK if they stare because I’m tall or I have that much of a resting bitch face that they think I’m glaring at them or something witch I’m really not some times I’m just looking around and people stare at me or they look back at me and whisper to their friend like WTF why? Like I’m literally just minding my own business especially if I’m in a bad mood and someone’s staring at me I smile and wave and they looked so shocked it’s actually funny like yeah I can see you staring at me
About a year ago I was out to dinner with a beatuiful woman I met at a hostel in Hawaii and on our way from the hostel to the resturant she commented that a lot of people were staring at me. I joked and said something to affect of “They’re probably staring at you. You look absolutely stunning”. But ever since I’ve noticed it too. Everywhere I go now I notice it. I’m not a bad looking guy but not overly attractive and afaik I don’t have any really odd physical characteristics that would draw random attention like that. I’m a confident person but I like to think that I’m not overly confident to the point where I’m conceded. I also get the feeling that people seem to get nervious with me walking behind them. That can be a bit frustrating because I never mean anyone any harm. I told my grandmother about this is a conversation just before she died and her response was a little troubling. She said “sheep are always nervous around a wolf and you are a wolf”. I don’t like the idea of thinking of others as sheep and myself as something that would prey on them but those words seem to be stuck in my head.