When I was in high school, some people used to say about me that I was mysterious. I kind of liked it. This was the result of me keeping mostly to myself, talking about facts and stuff I read but not talking a lot about myself, not expressing my feelings or my beliefs, especially if they differed from those of other people present.

I was also… shy. Over time, I realized that being mysterious was just the flip side of being shy. And since the negative effects vastly outgrew the appeal of my mystery, I decided to shed it altogether. As part of improving my people skills. Now, looking at the trait of being mysterious in general, I see its benefits as vastly overrated.

For a lot of people, a mysterious person has a sort of charm and it gets them interested. There are some psychological phenomena at work here which fascinate me. Firstly, humans are naturally very curious creatures, interested in the unknown. We are drawn to mystery and we seek to solve it. Secondly, mystery often makes our part if the brain which creates fantasies go wild. We start to imagine all sorts of things about a mysterious person and what she has to hide.

All fine and dandy so far. There is only one problem: the appeal of being mysterious doesn’t last. And this happens for one of two reasons:

• Either we solve the mystery, we discover the real person, and then the source of the appeal is gone;
• Or we don’t solve the mystery, but we quickly get used to it and it becomes boring, uninteresting.

Whichever road you take, the result is pretty much the same. Being mysterious ends up in being a blur. This does not mean you should start pouring your heart out in the first 30 seconds of every interaction with a new person. That can be traumatizing. And it doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea to keep some parts of you and your life private, at least to some people.

What it does mean is to not be mysterious as a person, as a whole. It means to be more open and expressive than mysterious. I means being (do I dare to say it?)… authentic.

One interesting thing I discovered is that the correlation between mystery and shyness is very common. Most people who are very mysterious are actually shy. They don’t think they’re good enough to put themselves out there, they think they have bad people skills and they’re afraid of being rejected.

On the other hand, a confident person, who is comfortable in her own skin and trusts her people skills, will usually be very expressive in social interactions. This person will talk about her experiences, her life, her belief and her feelings. Good or bad, conventional or unconventional. Self-expression is a natural thing for human beings. But a lot of us have learned to fight it.

When instead of being mysterious, you are expressive, what you create is not a short lasting appeal and interest in you. What you create is lasting appeal, based on your confidence, and a deeper, more intimate connection with other people. This is what I think we need more of in this world. Not being mysterious, like in a romance novel.