Social confidence newsletter reader Mike asks: “I would really love to know what to say to a girl I like. There is this cute girl at work who often drops by my department with various tasks. She always smiles at me and I’d very much like to talk to her, but I don’t know what to say. Would you please give me some advice?”

Well, Mike, and everyone else who wants to learn what to say to a girl, talking with a girl is not exactly rocket science. I know it may seem that way to you right now, but this is not because it’s something complicated, it’s because you’re in the wrong mindset about women.

Enter Pedestalizing

Almost every man I’ve coached who had trouble talking to women had this habit of pedestalizing women, especially the ones he finds attractive.

He will make them seem in his mind much better than they really are, almost perfect frequently, and he will put them on a pedestal way above himself. Then he will believe than he needs some special approach in talking with this girl, in order to blow her mind.

But this mindset is inaccurate. And worse, it does not work. It generates anxiety around women, coyness, needy and clumsy behavior, which ultimately makes women slip away or it drives women away.

The best approach as far as what to say to a girl goes is to talk to her like a normal person. Even if she’s very attractive, even if you like her a lot, just make casual conversation with her.

Now, if you don’t know how to talk to people in general, that’s a different issue altogether and you’ll have to learn that. However, once you know how to make conversation on the whole, that’s precisely what you’re gonna do with any girl.

Some specific things that you can do include:

• Asking her open-ended questions to learn stuff about her;
• Trying to relate to what she says based on your own experiences and knowledge;
• Talking about yourself and your own life, passions, ideas, etc;
• Bringing up conversation topics that interest you and chances are will interest her as well;
• Being genuine in conversation and being willing to take risks.

All of these are perfectly reasonable ways to talk to a girl you like. No need for fancy lines or gimmicks. Just be a normal, relaxed conversationalist.

In order to do this though, you need to stop pedestalizing women and to develop your social confidence around women. This is the most important change you can make.

If you want to learn how to make it, then I encourage you to check out this video presentation I created, which addresses this precise topic.

In it I’ll explain in more detail what makes you insecure around women and how to become socially confident. And believe me, there is nothing more attractive and empowering than social confidence.

The Special Ingredient

All of the above considered, there is one special ingredient that you’ll want to add when talking to a girl you like, something you clearly won’t do with guys or with girls you don’t like. And that ingredient is flirting.

Flirting lets the girl know that you see her as more than just a friend and it gives the interaction a sexual vibe. If you won’t do this, she’ll probably just see you as a cool guy that she likes to chat with. Which isn’t bad, but if you fancy her it’s not how you want her to see you.

Flirting can entail a lot of things: giving her sexual compliments, talking in a sexual way with her, telling her you like her, joking around, bringing up intimate topics, strong eye-contact, initiating lots of touching, and so on.

The key however is to flirt in a confident way. You can say to a girl “You’re cute” and depending on how you say it, it may seem needy or it may turn her on. And the one variable that dictates how you say it and thus how she’ll perceive it is your level of confidence.

Confident men flirt in a bold, but detached way that other man simply can’t mimic. And this makes them exhilarating. I wish I could tell you that you can just copy this way of flirting, but like I just said, this cannot be done. Good flirting comes from within.

Again, it’s a matter of developing real confidence. Beyond having real confidence, as long as you’re willing to flirt and you understand some flirting at a basic level, you will do it well. One more reason to watch this presentation on gaining social confidence.

That’s it, really. The basic framework regarding what to say to a girl you like is quite simple. Know how to make casual conversation, flirt with her and be confident. Everything else will happen naturally.

Women will naturally respond to you and become attracted to you. You’ll have plenty of options in your dating life, if some women sporadically won’t like you it won’t matter to you at all, and you’ll enjoy a romantic life like you wouldn’t believe.

It’s up to you to make this happen.

Image courtesy of Kam