In my view, you don’t have awesome people skills until you understand honesty and you apply it effectively in your social interactions. Which most people I believe, do not.
Yesterday, I was working with a client on improving one of those key people skills for getting a top job: his interview skills. He was asking me stuff like: What do I answer if they ask me about my career goals? What do I answer if they ask why I left me job? What do I answer if they ask me about my hobbies?
And I was answering: The truth. The truth. Yeah, still the truth. After about 3 questions like these, I started realizing a very common problem: my client was in a limiting mindframe about honesty, and the questions were coming from this mindframe.
Let’s do some theory. I think there are generally two mindframes (or philosophies) you can have about honesty in relating to others.
1. The mindframe that pleasing is the rule. These people believe that what comes out of their mouth must be what the listener wants to hear, must get the listener’s approval and appreciation.
Before saying anything, the people in this mindframe will ask themselves: what will please the other person? Then will say that thing, disregarding the concept of honesty. For them, honesty is only the exception to the rule, and they allow themselves to be honest only in a few cases, with safe people.
2. The mindframe that honesty is the rule. These people believe that integrity is the most important thing and what comes out of their mouth must be in correspondence with the facts.
Before saying anything, the people in this mindframe will ask themselves: what is the truth? Then they will say it, assuming the consequences of their honesty. For them, dishonesty is the exception and there will be very few cases where they will refrain themselves from being honest.
I’m not saying there are people who are liars all the time, and I’m not saying there are people who are honest all the time. I’m not saying lying is all bad, honesty is all good. That would be a bit extreme for my rational nature.
I am saying there are different philosophies in life, which will make you more oriented towards lying as you natural communication style, or towards honesty. And I am saying that the second one is a far better option.
When you live life with the mindframe that honesty is the rule with people, as well as the skills of honest communication, two very important things happen:
- You don’t complicate and you don’t make social interactions a burden by trying to come up with what the other person wants to here almost every time;
- You have credibility and you build much stronger relations with others, personal and professional, which are based on trust, respect and authenticity.
From some points of view, honesty with people is risky. Looking at things in perspective, I believe the gains substantially outweigh the loses. This is why, when it comes to people skills, I go for a philosophy of honesty.
[adrotate group=”5″]
Wow, you explore deep topics. Being honest all the time about your true career goals or life goals (which are tightly knitted into the career goals) is not easy especially if you are trying to balance common sense and wild ambition – 🙂 but point very well-taken in that at the very least, we must be truthful with ourselves and perhaps someday we can all do what we dream of doing for a living. Nice write-up!
Eduard,
Just found your blog and what a great way to start off my reading. I agree with your points. Honesty is key. People trust you and feel comfortable with the honest. I used to say things I did not mean, just because I did not think about it. Maybe I was just trying to please. That has very much changed. It is a very different feeling
.-= Alex´s last blog ..The Virtue of Obsession =-.
Eduard –
Right on. We are at our most powerful when we are authentic and tell it like it is. That doesn’t mean we have to be a battle-axe and cut other people dead – however we can be powerful and sensitive. I always try to walk my truth and be straightforward and encourage my clients to do the same – it creates so much less weight to carry around. Thanks for a great post.
Phil
.-= Phil – Less Ordinary Living´s last blog ..What we can learn from children =-.
@Farnoosh – I hope I explore deep topics. It seems to be one of my strengths (or weaknesses, depending on how you see it).
@Alex – welcome aboard! That comfort you can build with people when you’re honest is what I treasure a lot.
@Phil – yes, it means to be honest, yet still remain tactful in the way we say it.
At work we use a simple frame for balancing — “connection and conviction.” The mark of an effective leaders is keeping conviction while balancing with connection.
.-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..My Top Ten Lessons In Life – Ali Hale =-.
I talk about balancing honesty and tact JD, you talk about connection and conviction. It seems we’re on the same page, using different words.
If I was totally honest with all my pupils all the time I would often be in danger of undermining their confidence. I have to frame my suggestions for improvement in ways that leave them happy and motivated. While agree with your division of people as geared to either truth or pleasing I think that sometimes it needs both to achieve the best result.
You know you just explained a very powerful concept in a simple way. Honestly is not just a good idea, it actually makes your life more simple, less stressful, and most often has a beneficial outcome for how others view your. It just helped me get my perspective straightened up and with a clear reason as well.
Honest people grew up with convictions, guided by what older people have imparted to them. No matter how competent a person is, if he is not honest with his dealings, it means he is not a good employee. It is as simple as that.
“You don’t complicate and you don’t make social interactions a burden by trying to come up with what the other person wants to here almost every time.”
I’m thankful for this. It made a lot of difference in the relationships I have with people. The bonds that I have with my friends and family are now tighter because of this. I learned that I don’t always have to please them with things that they want to hear, that I can also talk to them about things that they have to work on even if it’s not really the exact words that they would want to hear.