My understanding about confidence and how to improve it, especially in relation with people skills, has evolved slowly but surely most of the time. But every once in a while, I had big leaps forward, rooted in personal revelations about self-confidence.
I want to share with you a big revelation I had a couple of years ago, which I think is very relevant for anyone interested to improve their confidence and skills with people. It came to me from some experiences which created a boost in my confidence that took me by surprise.
The Story
I had been going through a period of figuring out what I wanted exactly in life, what was important to me, and then acting on that knowledge. It wasn’t easy, especially the part about acting on it, but I decided that it was a noble cause so I stuck to it as much as I could. Eventually, I reached a point when:
- I was living healthy lifestyle;
- I was working in a field in which I was helping people develop;
- I was only dedicating the amount of time I wanted to my career, when I wanted;
- I had close friends that I considered to be very cool;
- I was more honest and straightforward than I had ever been;
- I was continuously learning and growing;
I didn’t make any of these things happen to improve my confidence. I did it because they seemed normal manifestations of my most important values: health, developing others, balance, friends, honesty and personal development. I wanted to live a life aligned with these values.
But, as I achieved this and I became aware of it fully, I also got this empowering sense of self-respect and self-confidence. People would start telling me that I stand differently, that I walk differently, that something has changed in my attitude. They would ask me if I had won the lottery or something, because they couldn’t understand it. But I did. Understanding what was happening is the big revelation I’m talking about:
Living a life by your own values is a major confidence booster.
The Explanation
When you live the way you want, when you live in harmony with what you think is important, your confidence naturally and visibly improves. You feel proud, you feel you’re life is meaningful and of the highest virtue. But when you don’t, even if you have things others may envy, you feel like a fraud which is just waiting to be discovered.
The bad news is that many people do not live their lives by their own values. In a way, you could say they are not authentic. Having been on both sides, I now realize why this is happening: in order to live by your own values, you need to fight with enemies like: social stigma, inertia, fear of failure or procrastination.
These enemies can put huge pressure on most of us to live the sort of lives that probably are not the kind we want. Faced with this pressure, many people abandon the fight or they never really engage in it in the first place. They prefer to choose the comfort of living their lives in the ways easiest to them.
I find this to be very sad, and I constantly make a point in my articles, communication coaching and trainings about how much you miss out when you don’t live your life by your own values. It’s one hell of a way to sell yourself short!
As you do live your life by your own values and you’re fully aware of this, not only that you improve your self-confidence and from there your people skills, but you get this appealing shine in your eyes.
Those around you will often detect this shine subconsciously and wonder: “What’s up with him/her? Has he/she discovered the secret of eternal life or something?” In a way, you did.
Image courtesy of hcii
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Self-confidence is a topic that interests me a lot. I think the confidence is one of the most important factors of massive growth.
Good point Eduard. Values are very important for building confidence. I have nothing more to add. 🙂
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..What Everybody Ought to Know About Self-Confidence – Part 3 =-.
Meeee tooo Marko 🙂
Hi Eduard: I’m so happy you left a friendly comment on my guest post at Steven’s because that’s how come I was able to become acquainted with your blog and more importantly with you.
You hit on such a vital matter in this post, the matter of being true to our values, true to ourself. As I read your post I was thinking of my father who was a reporter in London all his life, a well-known and well-respected reporter. There came aq time when he was broughgt before a government spy tribunal that wanted to know the name of one of his sources. It would have been against all my Dad’s journlistic ethics to submit to the tribunal, so he didn’t — he ended up in aq gaol for 6 months but tht was a small price to pay for being true to his own integrity…
All the very best to you Eduard.
Hi Christopher,
Wow, that’s cool to have real stories of integrity like this one so close to you. I think few men are able to make that kind of sacrifices for their values. But those that do…
Gassho Eduard,
A decade ago I started, in earnest, practicing The Noble Eightfold Path.
NOW today it is my litmus test for every action I take.
A by-product of doing so, that surprised me, was self-confidence.
Perhaps it may only be obtained as a by-product. Yes?
In Metta,
Jalus
Namaste’
Yes. Thanks for the Buddhist words Jalus.
[quote]When you live the way you want, in accordance with what you think is important, your confidence naturally and visibly improves.[/quote]
I have been researching sites that speak about building self confidence for a project that I am working on. As of yet, I have not run across a more succinct(?) way of describing how self confidence is attained than this quote above.
Most references that I read had to do with “doing” particular things or going through processes. I am sure that these are very beneficial and helpful to the majority of people.
However, focusing on “being” who you are inside would seem to allow all of the other “doing” to be more authentic, enjoyable, and a natural result of the “being”.
Thanks for the insights
Hey Bryan,
That’s really flattering to hear about my quote. I do try to state things in a clear and simple way. I’m checking out your blog right now. I’ve been looking for articles on your topic.
Hi!
I really enjoy your articles. They are very helpful for me.A lot of great ideas 😛
Lovely 🙂
Great post. Great wisdom. Thank you.