“What do you want?” – I ask my coaching client.
“I want to advance in my field; to reach the top.” – he replies.
“Do you like what you do, in this field?”
“No, but that’s beside the point”.
I listen, I ask more questions, I try to understand him. Turns out he wants to advance in his field because he believes once he gets to a certain place in it he will obtain the recognition of those around him. And getting that recognition will give him a sense of validation, of self worth.
“What if you don’t really need to go through all this process to feel worthy?” – I ask him. “What If you just need to work on your self-esteem and sense of intrinsic worth, which is a more direct and effective road?” He looks at me puzzled.
I find that most people are going on roads which are not really necessary to get what they want. They struggle working jobs they don’t really like, dealing with people they can’t stand, having a vague thought that this is the only way. But they really haven’t thought things through. It is more of an automatic reaction to the world they live in. And if they do think things through, they often discover that their struggle is pretty much unnecessary.
This happens because most of us chase things like money, fame, status, without asking ourselves two very important questions:
- Why do I want these things, what is the final destination?
- Is there a better way to reach this final destination?
When you ask yourself these questions and take some time to explore your motivations, as well as your options, you often become amazed at how much simpler, less stressful things can be, and how much you may have deluded yourself.
I think that it’s a fundamental trait of the society we live in, the fact that it teaches us to delude ourselves. Schools, families, commercials and public figures try to get us chasing all sort of stuff, thinking that it will make us happy and there is no other option. Look just two feet beyond their common messages, and you will often see something else.
In particular, I think there are a couple of messages we consistently get, either explicitly or implicitly, which are actually myths and tend to put us on roads we don’t really need to take in order to reach our destinations Messages like:
- You always need to work hard to get what you want;
- Work is by its nature un-enjoyable and you just have to tolerate it;
- More money will make you more happy;
- The respect and validation of other people is the most important thing to strive for;
- Your health and your needs come second to the needs of others.
- You can’t really be happy. Grown people live lives of struggle and compromise.
Do any of these messages sound silly to you? That’s because they are. I can’t name one person I know, who guiding herself by these ideas managed to have a rich and fulfilling life, in a sustainable way. Not even one.
I believe that the best thing you can do is to stop every once in a while, look at the road you’re tacking, fully realize where it’s heading and what alternatives you have. Doing this and acting on your realizations, you will set yourself on a path which is significantly different that the path most people are on, and also much, much more rewarding. It is the path of the wise man.
Image courtesy of Stuck in Customs
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hy eduard,
many people consider that only if they have a good positionm a luxurious car or a lot of money they succed in being appreciated more bythe others.what they don t know is that acqiring self esteem
depends firs of all on us on our attitude regarding othersm on how we see we treat and help the others we can t hate everybody and consider them some fools and in exchange complain that the others don t appreciate us. everything is in our power
let s offer more let s help more the others and we ll see that with every little thing we do for the others we ll feel better more appreciated and happier
Hey Lumy,
I agree. Helping others is a good way to get appreciation and feel good. At the same time, even this can be a long or unnecessary road to get to our destination. We can learn to feel good without depending out how others feel about us.
Had you asked me the same questions 5 years ago I would have said the same things thinking about it now. Thankfully I lifted my head out of the rat race and realised that there was more to life than this.
I think many people drift through the life and work feeling just this way, that they want to achieve success but don’t actually like what they’re doing.
This is where self-reflection comes in isn’t it? The ability to reflect on what you’re doing, where you’re heading and why you’re heading that way is so critical.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Friday’s Personal Development Homework =-.
Ben, I wish more people would lift their heads out of the rat race. I notice that a lot don’t even know they still have enough strength to lift their heads.
Too many people get messages like (as you said)”The respect and validation of other people is the most important thing to strive for” that they never question this belief(s).
Many people have goals that are not theirs. These are the goals that they see on television. Literally. Without question, they accept such goals and intentions. And then they wonder why they are not happy.
I agree with your suggestion, we really should stop sometimes and examine our own beliefs and intentions.
.-= Marko — Calm Growth ´s last blog ..Why Some People Make Mistakes And Still Have Success =-.
Hey Marko,
I chuckled when I read what you said about television. How what you see in a commercial or movie became the main guide in deciding what you’ll do with your life amazes me.
When was your moment of clarity? I mean, when did you stop using patterns and started developing your own ideas and opinions? Was there a certain catalyst of some sort – a book you read, a speech you heard, or something like that?
Ioana, I don’t think it was one moment. My awareness sort of grew slowly but surely. There were a couple of leaps, but most of them were triggered by conversations with very wise people, not by books or speeches.
Hi. I just read your article from another web site and decided to check out some more of your work. It’s really good and hits on key topics that effect a lot of people, if not all.
Anyways, I just wanted to point out the particular relevance of the second question — is this road necessary?
I had a very knowledgeable person point out to me that the incredibly challenging path I was on, albeit very noble and worthy, may not have been the best course FOR ME. And that’s a very important thing to consider. At first you’ll be taken aback, perhaps offended. But once you let that pass and give it more thought you may just realize your path is about to diverge.
Hey Robin,
Welcome aboard! I think that ‘for me’ part is very important. When you put your own needs and likes in they equation, your perspective on what road to follow can change radically.
Eduard, very good point. Too many people climb the ladder to the “top”, only to find out that the ladder is standing against the wrong wall. Asking these questions at the beginning of the climb will save a lot of heartache in the end.
Well said Steve. That ladder on the wrong wall analogy made me laugh. 😉